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well here goes.... a little backrground first (like the quiet drum roll..)
I am 41 years old, and have told you about my kids. I am a very responsible person, faithful to a fault, and a very strong lover. I am single, am just now ready to begin dating, and have not sexually active at all... not until Mr. Right shows up... which is where my quandry lies...
Mr. Right... let's call him Michael (because that is his name), asked a mutual friend if he would set us up on a date. I think it is cute, because Mike thinks I am too cute to approach (his words, honestly !!!!!! Look, I am just trying to be honest !!!!!!)
I have met and talked with Mike a few times, and he seems like a great person !!! We have had great conversations and all, but have never formally dated.
I am interested in dating him except for one thing: Michael has not been in a relationship for almost 7 years since he cheated on his last partner and they broke up. He also had a history of cheating on his previous 2 boyfriends, too...
My situation and challenge: I am a very faithful person. I would never cheat on another. Mike has not had the chance to cheat on anyone since his last partner... not being in a relationship since then... so...
Is it possible for someone to move beyond having a cheating mentality??? That is the only reason I would not date Mike. I refuse to date someone who has a history of this kind of behavior...
I know... you are going to say "Well ask him !!" and "Talk to him about it." But we all know what he would say either if he was true or still a cheating person...
So... please, can some of you put in your dollar's worth of advice to help me look at this issue from eyes other than mine???????
In advance, thank you all... I love all of you very much !!!!!!
Hugs, Smiles, and Peace......
BamBam
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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hmm. this is a hard one. it's been my experience that, once a cheater, always a cheater. however, this is just *my* experience--i've known people who have been cheated on, and then the person swears 'never to do it again,' and to my knowledge and theirs, they haven't.
also, my experience with it has only been one person. i won't say just talk about it, no, because it's very easy to say "oh no, i don't do that now, i learned my lesson especially with being so lonely ever since..." and so on. however, if after some casual dates you feel this guy is worth it, then yes. i *would* mention something, perhaps in idle; or more serious if you choose. if you start out by saying, "look, i know the thing to say when this comes up is that yes, you will be faithful, but i have these concerns..." very gently, you just never know. but i'd wait on anything (and yes, we all know how hard that is, sometimes) that would require this being an issue. just date and have fun, get to know him so that you can hopefully read him, should this conversation come up. and most importantly, TRUST your gut instinct. 9 times out of 10 that instinct is never wrong. being hurt in the end is, sometimes, worse than feeling lonesome, and having to wait a little longer for someone who will value YOU for YOU.
hugs,
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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I agree with Heathyr...get to know him a bit by dating...that's the only way you'll ever know if he's changed. If it were me, I'd announce right off that you know his history, and that it's not acceptable to you, and will be an immediate deal-breaker if it happens again...that way he can't ever say he wasn't warned. I also agree with trusting your instincts about him as it develops.
"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...?"
Basic question I guess is whether you're the kind of person who needs to play it safe (which is fine, of course) or whether you'll look back on it and wonder what would have happened if you'd gone ahead and taken the risk. I have done both, and one route is just as legitimate as the other...it just depends on your needs and personality make-up.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13783
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I think tackling him over it is counter productive.
He wants you. Maybe you have simply to say that you commit for the duration of the relationship.
HIV is a serious issue. Hepatitis is more serious still. Safe sex is vital. And, at least if cheating happens protection is a norm for both of you. Sudden use of condoms where there was none before..... So infection is far easier in what one partner thinks is a monogamous relationship and the other doesn't.
A 7 year laspe doesn't mean 7 years without sex. Both go for a full sexual health audit. Tigether and separately.
If you love him, you need to take him warts and all. If his warts are ok.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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No Message Body
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Ok .... Here we go.....
First, going out on a date is just that.... a date....
Which is the first step in getting to know someone....
If a meaningful relationship is to flower then it must happen mutually.
If a person has no reason to seek "greener pastures" then they will (usually) be content with their own back yard.
Go and have your date.... Have fun and dont bring any preconcieved notions along with you.....
You might be pleasantly surprised... and if not at least you had a night out.
Marc
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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Anybody with a nickname Bambam has GOT to be an awesome date..Just drop off that cliff and come on down to Florida and ill be your dream date..hehehe...rob;-D ;-D ;-D
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Heathyr... thanks for the advice... as always, you are such a sweet girl... always caring, and always beautiful.. I will hold what you said in close regard to my heart....
Hugs and Love...
BamBam
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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I do like what you have said here. Yes, I am a cautious person now. I used to not be... but after years of being in a relationship where my ex wife was unfaithful... and now that I am out.. I have decided that I would rather be single than be with someone who I have to do double takes on.
I do believe people can change. However, the reason I asked this question here is because I needed to see things from another vantage point.. and so far, all the points of view are great !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for caring, David...
BamBam
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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Thanks so much for the advice here... Sexual health is very important... but nowhere as important as sexual safety.
I don't believe I mentioned anywhere on the board in all my ravings and musings that I had a brother who dies from complications with AIDS. He got sick in the early days, and was actually quite healthy (or so we all thought) when he passed away. In the end, the final infection took 4 days to take him....
Thank you so much for reminding me of the importance of sexual safety and health... a very important message for everyone here...
Lots of Love and (((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) from me...
BamBam
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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That way I don't have to read your mind so far away.... LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, a date is just that. However, I still need to see things from other vantage points... and thanks for your point of view..
I am just a cautious person now, Marc. After having been cheated on for so long, I just have to be able to stand back and look... through someone else.
Thanks for your wonderful insight....
Huge Hugs and Sunshine !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BamBam
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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Contrary to what you may think... BamBam comes from me hitting my head on the wall to stop the stupidity of dealing with the company I work for... not because of what you are thinking !!!!! LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have only one cliff here... about 70 feet high, on the other side of the lake...
And, I am coming to Florida... after the first of the year... to visit a friend in Orlando (well, Deltona, really).
You are a hoot !!!!!!!
Lots of Love !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BamBam
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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i'm sorry about your brother, paul. love and light for him, and you and your family.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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I have been told by powerful forces that I am also a Toot and a Hoot....rob;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D
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My dear friends and family, may I have some (dating) advice? 
Re: My dear friends and family, may I have some (dating) advice? 
Re: My dear friends and family, may I have some (dating) advice? 
Marc... yes, you do need to enter text before hitting submit 