|
|
|
|
Hey guys- My name's Michael and I'm new at this forum.
I really have no idea what's going on here but...
Well, since they DID say this was a place where one could air out sentiments or seek advice, then I hope you guys wouldn't mind if I ask a question.
What's the next thing to do after being rejected?  ??
This only happened recently and my life's at an all-time low right now. :'-( Somehow, I feel like nothing in the world's the same anymore after what had happened. The usual things that used to make me happy no longer do. To me, everything's dull- it's like' all I wanted in the whole wide world is for this guy to love me and now, knowing he can never be mine- I feel like everything's just so' useless.
Perhaps you would ask why I decided tell him. Well, it took a lot of guts, but somehow, I just felt like I had to tell him, otherwise, I might have regretted not telling him- and also not knowing whether we could've had a possibility. Along with that, I was kinda desperate I couldn't hold my feelings anymore. We've been friends for more like 4 years now and it was only last year that I started feeling something for him. Since then, I've tried to drop hints here and there. I finally had the guts and told him how I feel but... well, he turned me down. I felt like crying at that time but I tried not to. 
Thankfully, we're still friends and talk to each other the usual way. While it makes my heart jump with joy seeing him- it also sinks with frustration of never being with him. :-[ Pretty ironic, huh? So near yet so far- hence, my signature. It just... irritates me! I want to hold him, I want to hug him, I want to always be with him but I can't! I'm having trouble accepting that fact. If you've ever fallen in love, you KNOW it isn't easy to let love go. How does he look like? Check out the pic in my avatar. If you can't see it clearly, I've attached a file. It's Vanness Wu- he looks a lot like that guy- honest. Especially the eyes and the air- and the smile! How can you let someone like that just go?
Unrequited love- real love unrequited is the most painful thing that could happen to a person. I've lived nineteen years of my life here on earth and not one thing has ever hurt me this much. It's been months since then and my throat still hurts every time I think about it. :'-( So, what's the average, nineteen year old, straight-actin' gay boy to do? How do I cope? Please- no "it will pass away" or "you must let it go" or "go wank somewhere" answers. I know it will pass away- but that takes time. And by that time, I might be crazy already. I also know I must let it go- but it isn't easy. No matter how I wank away the problems, it doesn't help. How will I come to let it go? What do I do? I'm still hoping for a miracle---
You can fool around with the answers if you want. ;-D It's just the life of another loser we're talking about here anyway... -_-... Thanks in advance. ^__^
-
Attachment: vw_2.jpg
(Size: 47.90KB, Downloaded 266 times)
-
Attachment: f4032.jpg
(Size: 34.76KB, Downloaded 317 times)
-
Attachment: vw_lyre.jpg
(Size: 84.82KB, Downloaded 309 times)
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
robert bryce
|
 |
Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
|
|
|
You dust off your backside and climb back on that horse until he and you come to an understanding,just remember there are lots of other horses out there to take you to your dreams....rob;-D
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
 |
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
|
|
|
Now, let's be practcial.
You have achieved something vitally important. It just feels like crap right now. If we go back(!?) to me and my own life story, you achieved at 19 what I should have achieved at 19. Only you are one better than I was. You have a friend.
Only it feels like shit.
OK, you love him. But he either does not or can not return those feelings in a way stronger than affection for a fellow human. In short as a friend.
This is vitally important to start to hear and to accept. you have neither been dumped, nor, unelss he is gay, "rejected". You have simply been told "I like you, but not in that deeper way".
The wound feels recent. I can hear the tears. I know it was a while ago, but it is renewed each time until you can find a way of changing the way you look at this problem.
The next part of the answer is tough as hell to hear. So, I'll dress it up a little in fancy clothing.
You know when a pet dies that some fool asks you if you are going to "replace it"? And you know that you can never replace it? So it is with him. What you can do is to divert the feelings for him into other people. Actively.
Just for a moment look at str8 friends. They love, or lust. They get accepted and get rejected. They weep and scream, and they move ahead. The "lost love" is lost, so they find the next.
You need to look at and learn from that example. Or you can do what I did and screw your life up by wondering......... Except you know the answer. It is "No, thnak you" So you have closure on the outcome, you "simply" need to close the love off. I don't mean stop loving him. Hell no! I mean put it in a compartment and close it. And open it when you want to look, and then close it again. And gradually keep it closed. And be his simple friend.
Meanwhile, be the str8 acting gay boy you are and meet other guys who are to your taste. That means dipping your fishing net where the fish swim. What facilities exist near you for gay young men? And which ones might you want to check out? They don't all contain flaming queens. Manmy guys like you look for real commitment too.
And keep talking here.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
hi michael, and welcome to the forum.
i really cannot say it better than timmy just did, and believe me, i've sat here and tried. i am willing to bet we've all been in this kind of situation, and so we all know, or well i know, since i don't want to speak for anyone else, that when still in the rain and puddles, it's very hard to see or believe that the clouds will clear.
definitely keep talking here; this place is amazing. i don't know if it would be helpful to remind yourself that you still have this boy as a friend, whereas in most cases if a confession comes and is refused, it ruins whatever bond was there. it's not a matter of counting lucky stars or anything, but he at least cares for you to still value your friendship, knowing your feelings for him. it means he appreciates you, and that should count for something, when sometimes it's hard to count anything at all.
i wish you luck, and here, you won't be alone on this road, i can assure you.
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Michael,
Welcome, and peace to you... especially as you work through this love loss that you feel.
I came out of a long term relationship about a year and a half ago.. and after over 17 years of stormy life... albeit my life that I knew... it was over.
The one piece of advice I can give is simply to take life as it comes. If that means living through each thought as it comes so you may deal with it then so be it... if you have to live every hour one at a time... then do it.
You sound like a very kind and intelligent person. You also sound like you are making progress, but just not enough to be comfortable for you. It's ok. It is your life, and you are living it out the best way you can. Please come by and ask for help any time. We are here to love you and care for you as you walk through life.
Two other suggestions... please read the latest thread started by Marc that asks: "Can you love too much?" and also, read Timmy's suggestion in this thread as well as what he wrote to Marc in the other post...
And take care, Michael.. You are loved.
Hugs, Peace, Smiles and Sunshine....
BamBam
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
You're suffering a loss that feels a lot like a death, for sure. But do try and understand what Timmy and the others have said...you will always have some pain when you remember what happened, but the more LIFE you can add to your life from now on, the better you will feel. And maybe loving your friend as intensely as you did will help you when you allow yourself to fall inlove again!
Are you in Metro Manila? I sometimes go there to see friends and on business or visa runs...maybe we could chat on the phone or something.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hi Timmy!
Just read your advice and thought deeply.
And you know what? YOU'RE RIGHT! I have neither been dumped nor rejected, but rather told, "I like you, but not in that deeper way."
And it made me think about Stephen even more. About how lucky I was he didn't tell anyone about me bein' gay- and even had me- us, keep our friendship. It made me think of how much our friendship meant- to a point of almost crying. And I was like, thinking... "God, he is so sweet."
You guys've made me re-realize why I fell in love with Stephen in the first place. It still hurts- and I never know when it'll stop hurting, but it's probably the best outcome achievable.
Will I ever be able to stop loving Stephen?
I don't know. Even if he has a girlfriend now, I still can't help feeling jealous. But hey, whatever makes him happy makes me happy too. :'-( Ever had those times when you feel like crying hard and laughing out loud at the same time? Feels like shit, huh?
Divert the love to someone? Hmm... I don't know.
Unless I find a clone of Stephen, probably. Man, love doesn't make the world go round- it makes it go crazy!
And unfortunately, living in a place like the Philippines, it's hard to tell who's gay or who's not. Those who are obvious are what you call flaming queens- not my type. It's pretty hard- especially if you mix in how your other friends'll react and worse- my parents!
I'll try your suggestion and dip my fishing net where the fish swim- but I don't know where the fishes are! There ARE places for gay young men here- though not a lot of them.
Thanks again Timmy. 'Course I'll keep on talking here- FOREVER!
There's no better place on the web than here! Not even my own site! )
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
|
|
|
Now, you are awesomely lucky. Not "becuase he didn't tell" but simply because he is your friend. Of course I have no knowledge of the culture in the Phillippines (nor even how to spell them), but I will say that the reality of being out is almost always easier than the fear of being outed.
You have local knowledge, so you can vary that as you need to.
Now, the fishing expedition. Gay young men exist online at placeslike Planetout. Check it out. Clubs are probably not your thing, but go and look. Do you think Stephen might go with you to act as a safety perosn for your nerves? With his girlfriend, of course!
You have to remmeber that Stephen becameyour ideal when you fell for him. That ideal didn't exist before then, and was created around him. So, someone else can become your ideal. I grew up wanting blue eyed blonds. I find it very easy now to find a brown eyed, dark haired boy attractive. I allowed myself to see the beauty, you see.
Try not to be jealous of his girlfriend. You see you can't have him that way. His body is off limits to you. But love him without condition and want him to be happy, and you will find joy in knowing him.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hi Michael,
I went through something almost exacly the same though is was quite a few years ago. He is married with 4 kids now but we are still friends. At first it was a bit overwhelming, but with time my heart healed and I moved on. It might not seem like it now, but it will get better.
Hope my family here helps you through this difficult time. In the meantime, you are welcome here with open arms.
May love and happiness find their way to your heart,
Kevin
BTW are those pics of you?
::-)
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yeah- I know. Timmy's really good at giving advice.
He makes complicated things sound so simple! ;-D
Really, from the bottom of my heart, thanks, you guys.
I feel a lot more at home now.
Anyway, girl misplaced, you know what? You've made me realize a very special thing here. You're right- in most cases, confession would sometimes indeed destroy whatever bond was there. In my case, at least it wasn't that bad at all. Timmy said I was lucky too, and I agree.
What you said about Stephen valuing our friendship, and that he appreciates me and all that- that was the best thing you've made me realize. Thanks.
Yeah- I do believe the clouds will clear someday.
For all of us.
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
As much as I had wanted to, NO- the guy in the pic is not me. ^_^
He's great, isn't he?
That's Vanness Wu- a pretty popular guy in Asia, specially in Taiwan, and in the Philippines also. I posted his pic there so that you guys can have a clear picture of what Stephen (the guy whom I fell in love with and who eventually dumped me) looks like. Stephen and Vanness are almost exactly the same, except Vanness looks a lot cooler.
So why did I post Vanness' pic and not Stephen's pic instead? Well, I don't want to jeopardize Stephen's life by posting his pic here, and he probably might not like the idea. ^_^
Anyway, Kevin-
yeah... I agree with you that- well, one of these days I'll get over him and find the right guy for him. But... as for the moment, he's really the only guy. That's probably why I get frustrated. I don't know- but I find it hard to get attracted to anyone else. It's like- Stephen's Stephen and there's no other guy like him. YOu know what I'm sayin'?
And thanks for welcoming me to the family.
Glad to be here.
VERY GLAD! 
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Man, friends here are the greatest.
It seems like two hours isn't enought to answer all the posts-
and I don't want to stop talking!
Thanks for the advice BamBam.
Yeah, I'm trying as hard as I can to take life as it comes. Quite hard, but I know I'm gonna be able to to it. Especially with friends like you! ^_^
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
i'm very glad i could help, somehow!
i know i've had cases where i confess a like, or even a love, and after the refusal (not necessarily shot down, or ridiculed, just 'no, sorry, but i don't feel that way either..') i'm told we'll still be friends. but i find out in following days and weeks that's not the case. like a slow let down, then total cut-off.
and i bet if you guys are still going on as good friends and all, that is NOT the case here. it doesn't seem to be, anyway! so just know you're definitely not alone in trying to patch up the holes this left in your heart.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I hope you will find the peace and love that your looking for.
oy Bakla, hehe
Kevin
::-)
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hey- it seems that you guys know quite a lot of Tagalog terms. ^_^
I'd bow if you knew how "I love you" is said in Tagalog! Heh-heh!
Pretty basic. When people travel, it seems like the most popular sentence they want to learn is to learn to say "I love you" in different ways.
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Nope, I have had two 'Flip' boyfriends in the past. Please excuse the term, it's not meant to be derogatory. I guess I like the people there, who knew? hehe
Peace and love to you,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
After being dumped, what's the next thing to do? 
Re: After being dumped, what's the next thing to do? 
Welcome, Michael! Nice to have another voice from Asia here 
Worse indeed... 
Well it's nice to meet you here. 