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okay -- i decided to post it so i can get brutal feedbacks, so feel free to criticise, suggest, rip it apart, or praise.  this is just the first draft, i know there needs to be a bit more to "show" the un-named character's mindset and inner conflicts. i whipped this up in a 10 minute class free-write that we had to read aloud, and decided i want to make it flash fiction, or less than 1000 words. which means short and intense and hitting ALL of it, somehow. so here it is:
Something isn't sitting right in his stomach when he leaves the building. It's a mixture of fear and adrenaline, yes, but it's also the gutteral-twist that overrides our insides when we've gone against the grain. This, he realizes, is something else.
He uses the north-lot driveway to leave the premesis, just like he planned. Two minutes earlier it was the north hall fire escape; seven minutes before that, it was all second guessing, and angels and devils on his shoulders. The latter won out, just like they always do, despite the gossamer allure and pull of the former, and the deed was done.
It's five to midnight, and he makes it to the 2nd St. alley with time to spare. He runs a last check: did he grab enough? Yes. Was he seen? No. Are they properly packaged? Yes. Are --
"--they the right blood type?" The vampire he both loves and fears steps up behind him, having slid out from the shadows tossed by concrete and dumpsters.
"Yes," he lies, handing over the box of thermo-packed pouches. The darkness of the hour does not steal the way he averts his eyes upon that one syllable, but the vampire is too desperate tonight to care.
He hopes that the virus buys him enough time to escape, to run to the next town with a hope just as immortal as the vampire he can't ever seem to escape from -- a hope that maybe this time, he'll be left alone.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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I scanned through it once, and I think it's good.
To-morrow at school I'll rip it apart, okey?
You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but He stole you away from me
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Need I say more?
OK here is the ripped to shreds part. I liked it. Sorry that is the best I could do without lying.
Be happy, your good,
Kevin
::-)
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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thank you! the hardest is trying to figure out a way to flesh out the main "he," and like, more of the love/hate deal, without making it TOO much longer. my CW prof is all about "writing tight" and basically hindering the entire class' style, so i will write so tight and short it'll hopefully hit him in the throat. uh. HEHE!
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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awwww. *HUG* reaching goals and being good though, doesn't award C's on stories i poured my soul into, though ... ah well. can't please them all, right?
i hope you're well, kevin. :-*
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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The problem is that I never warmed to the main character. OK, so he has to appease a vampire. But I never cared about him. Make me care and the rest works well
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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and heard a few seconds of a relativly good story....
With such a short interlude, it is hard to like it or not.....
It is just there.... nothing more.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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thanks. unfortunately that *right there* is the hardest part to flash fiction. i know it's got to be intense intro to make the reader go, 'oh my...' and fall in line with the character.
now i just have to find a way to do that .. it can't be more than a page, or a page and a half to be flash. and i've got a 7 page story and a 4 page one going in on monday as final drafts, this just has to be rough (this one's not due until week after this coming monday), but then i nailed all common lengths.
hmm .. this will be a challenge. thanks!
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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gotchya.
might either of you have any suggestions as to how you might go about getting reeled into the character *himself* in such a short piece? like what is it that you, as a reader, would like to see happen in the first paragraph that would have you hooked?
i know i have to do that, AND nail just why he's in this love/hate situation; why he adores the vampire (hence the angels on his shoulders telling him not to steal the wrong blood), and why he hates him (devils saying either don't steal it at all, or steal the wrong kind). and in one intro paragraph so that the rest can let the story unfold.
hmmmmmmmm. i really, really appreciate this. if workshops/peer editing in class went this way, it'd be so much easier. people there either don't read, or only read words and say, 'i like your words,' and don't look at elements. so this is VERY helpful. i appreciate!
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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No Message Body
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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In the first para I need to understand that I identify with him.
I am not afraid. I observe. I don't know his motivation until the final full stop. I need the terror up front
Something isn't sitting right in his stomach when he leaves the building. It's a mixture of fear and adrenaline, yes, but it's also the gutteral-twist that overrides our insides when we've gone against the grain. This, he realizes, is something else.
OK, Sentence one. He has indigestion.
Sentence two "gutteral-twist". Ok, but that is not the right use of "gutteral". I think you mean a wrenching in the guts.
Sentence three. OK. But what does it mean.
If you trash para one you lose nothing. But you want para one. So it has to say something.
He uses the north-lot driveway to leave the premesis, just like he planned. Two minutes earlier it was the north hall fire escape; seven minutes before that, it was all second guessing, and angels and devils on his shoulders. The latter won out, just like they always do, despite the gossamer allure and pull of the former, and the deed was done.
I like the timings. But I am not out of breath, nor am I slinking. I seem to be walking. Should I be walking?
"second guessing, and angels and devils" and "The latter won out". OK, I got lost there. I took "the latter" to mean "angels and devils". Latter is the later of two. You gave me three choices, so I chose what was logical to me, not to you.
The rest suddenly changes gear and becomes a story.
I could have identified with him in para one, if you had let me.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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wow, it's a lot to work with, but i *need* that. it IS supposed to be short and the surprise of what he stole/who for isn't supposed to come to the end, but i think i have a better understanding of what to do in the beginning, now.
i've saved this post, btw. thanks timmy.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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The surprise works. But only if you stop me from reading ahead. Some people read letter by letter. Others "scan read", and pause at interesting parts. No, not "interesting". At parts that insist on being read.
So your hardest audience is a scan reader. Lose them in para one and they go right to the surprise. "OK, that insisted I read it. So what was the beginning about?" And if the beginning is non insistent, (a) they missed it first time around, and (b) they gace up on the intervening paras.
The letter by letter readers? Different problem. They may drift off if paras one and two don't gel. This stuff is intuitive, really. Your prof should ooze this at every pore.
Now I'm going to dare do something. And it may well not work for you or anyone else.
Something isn't sitting right in his stomach when he leaves the building. It's a mixture of fear and adrenaline, yes, but it's also the gutteral-twist that overrides our insides when we've gone against the grain. This, he realizes, is something else.
He uses the north-lot driveway to leave the premesis, just like he planned. Two minutes earlier it was the north hall fire escape; seven minutes before that, it was all second guessing, and angels and devils on his shoulders. The latter won out, just like they always do, despite the gossamer allure and pull of the former, and the deed was done
God he was scared. Elated? Sure. But scared. It was like all the hounds of hell were after him. Guts churning, eyes bright, senses in overload. Sure he was doing right, afraid he was doing wrong.
Half running, half walking as though he belonged there, he left by the north lot driveway. He was on track. He'd crept down the fire escape two minutes ago; seven minutes before that he was battling with right, wrong and his own conscience. He wanted to do right. He thought he'd done right... But was it wrong? Was his conscience right or wrong?
OK, now that was a liberty, and I am not sure it worked at all. I tried to take your third paragraph with the urgency and write it into the top two. And I think it is a first imperfect try. It has a "right and wrong" overload in it. Which is, I think, your message with angels and devils. I lost your beautiful imagery of gossamer and replaced it with what I hoped was him holding his breath.
And it's just an idea. An example. A thought.
One thing I have fun with is using punctuation to create atmosphere. Not classical punctuation. Incomplete sentences; phrases instead of clauses; urgency. Like this paragrah. How many verbs?
[Updated on: Wed, 22 October 2003 23:34]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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i like your dare. in a way, that's kind of what i've done with it so far, along with an idea that marc gave me in email.
more urgency straight up front, right in the beginning, and then more of the indecision ... AND why. a connector, if you will.
i kept some of my imagery words, because that's just my style, and how i write. but your dares in blue are just what i've shot for, AND will continue to do so.
and you know, i LOVE playing with punctuation also, except it seems english teachers don't get, or understand that. and i get docked for fragments and the like.  you would think a creative writing teacher would not do this (as opposed to say, english 101 and such), but he DOES, and it angers me. if i want an A in this class (or hell, even a B now...), i apparently have to play by his rules.
if you (and others) don't mind, i will post the finished product by sunday, if you'd like to see how you've helped me, and what it turned out to be.
you're amazing timmy. you've been a big, big help. i saved this post, too. you bring up a lot of things, different reader perspectives, i've never thought about.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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I liked your story, but I only have a few questions...
What is the importance of the correct blood-type,
and can you explain the end to me a little bit more?
It was kind of hard to understand.
You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but He stole you away from me
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the vampire can only drink a certain type of blood. i realised i have to work in, somehow (while still keeping this flash fiction, aka below 700 words), why he doesn't just kill victims. it's a vampire who actually has some semblance of a conscience, and doesn't want to kill to survive.
however, he can only have a certain blood type. of which the main character is stealing.
but what the main character did was steal the wrong blood type, and it's diseased no less -- cancer, or something viral, it matters little, just that it's wrong, and poison. he did it because though he loves the vampire, he is tired of being a slave.
i will try to make these things more clear in as short of wordings as possible. thanks for reading. as said, that was a first draft written in less than 15 minutes in class, and now i want to flesh it out into flash fiction, but want to do it RIGHT so that maybe i can pass this class.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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And what have you done to it?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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You accomplished your goal 
The bloody critigue. 
when does the finished work get handed in? 