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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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I've been gone for awhile learning how much it hurts when you find out that people can hate you simply because you aren't like them. I've learned how fear of being gay can make a nice boy horrible. I've learned how easy it was to blame me to hide from being gay. I've learned that I am proud of being gay while other people are too ashamed to even consider it.
I want to apologize if I've been rude or uncommunicative. I've been in a dark place and am just getting the lights back on. Writing is my only outlet for stress and emotions and I haven't even been able to write.
smith
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Never mind about being gone sometimes...it happens to all of us.
Glad to hear that you're back amongst the living, tho!!:-* :-* :-*
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Ena
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Getting started |
Registered: January 2004
Messages: 23
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Welcome back, smith. We missed you. I was just wondering where you were.
Congratulations in getting the lights on even if it is only the first step.
I have been into a whole lot of dark tunnels lots of times in my life. It's part of life journey, I guess. Just remember you will come out of it eventually if you keep moving and looking out for the light. Looking back (way back), I am grateful for those dark periods for it is where I am push to grow (for better, hopefully).
The dark periods will be always be lurking around the corner. During the good times, I just try to make sure that I build my strength/ faith strong enough to carry me through these hard times. Also, I have learned not to let my emotion expounded on already bad situation.
Sending you good thoughts.
Ena
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You know what, smith? I suspect these are all things you knew all too well already (you're simply too wise a person not to know). The thing that remained for you was to actually feel it over and above simply knowing it. Sadly, it is an unfortunate fact of life that this realization so often comes at a price, one which it seems you are now paying (something else I suspect you already knew all too well); and you being the kind of person that you are, you're feeling the impact of it that much more acutely.
You don't know how to be rude; and as for being uncommunicative, well, that is of course your right (although your absence is always keenly felt). I'm so sorry you had to pass through such a dark place, but it's most reassuring to know that you're emerging from it. If it's any consolation, the experience is leaving you an even better human being than you were before; and, as always, your sharing it here can only serve to be a significant help to somebody in a similar situation who happens to find his way here.
May your muse follow you on this re-emergence into the light. smith has ben silent far too long.
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I'll be 52 in August. I discovered I was gay when I was 13 years and 6 weeks old. I rejected and denied it, despite all the available evidence (never one image of a girl in my head during solo sex, for example. No erotic dreams about girls) until I was 48. I found that I am also proud of who I am at 51.
Now, people tell me that I help them come to terms with their feelings about themselves. But actually they help me at least as much as I help them.
So, smith, as one who has helped me, I thank you and am able to stand with you to say "I, too, am proud of being gay"
[Updated on: Thu, 01 April 2004 11:25]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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May I have the honor (and I do mean honor) of joining you gentlemen in that?
Thanks.
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
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Hey my young friend.
It is so good to see you back here. I have missed seeing your post and wonderful writing talent. I am so sorry to hear that you have not been doing well. You were not real clear on what has had you down in the dumps, but speaking from past experiences I know the hurt you feel by being rejected by people just because you are not like them. Fortunately time does heal all wounds and you will move on and those people will be just a bad memory.
The realization that you are gay does not come easy to all people. For most young people it is a scary time. They try to cope with it as best they can but for some they deal with it by lashing out at other people and trying to prove to themselves that they are not gay and this sometimes comes at the expense of other people. I know this from my own past experiences.
I think it is wonderful that you are proud of being gay and that your parents molded you with the self-confidence and strength to be that way.( especially with a southern Baptist upbringing) but for some it is not that they are ashamed of who they are but for personal protection it is necessary for them to hide the fact that they are gay. I know it is hard for some openly gay people to understand this fact but we all come from different backgrounds and must deal with our personal lives in our own way.
I am happy to see you back here and know that you will be back to your old self again soon and doing what you love and that is writing. Hugs to you my friend
BTW it took me ages to say that also8-)
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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It is good to see you back. I was afraid we might have lost you.
Those are some pretty horrible realizations, but it is part of life. Fear and anger are closely related. A former psychology professor taught me that depression is anger turned inwards. But I believe that depression is not the only result of turning anger inwards. Hatred results when that depression is projected outwards. Fear is a key component to both.
Anger can be a legitimate feeling, but fear prevents it from being addressed appropriately. Thus it cannot be dealt with and causes feelings of helplessness or hopelessness that result in depression which is turned into hatred of what is feared. When that which is feared is seen in others, they become the hated. That hatred can fester (it may never be expressed due to fear) or it can overcome the fear and be unleashed with all the anger that caused it in the first place.
This can cause a "nice boy" to do horrible things. With all the stigma that is attached to being homosexual, it can be a horrible thing to realize that one is gay. Such a realization can trigger the anger and fear that causes depression and hatred.
You may or may not have experienced this when you realized you are gay. If you did, then you were able to overcome it as you are now proud of being gay. Just understand that this "nice boy" probably is frightened, depression, angry, and feels like he's alone. He may not be in an emotional place where you can help him. In fact, because you are gay, he may view you as the enemy.
I didn't start out to write an essay on hatred. What I wanted to say is that you've got my support and that of many others around here. Even if you are in the darkest of places.
{{{HUGS}}} and more {{{HUGS}}}
Think good thoughts,
e
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I've been missing your unique blend of wisdom and wit.
I envy the certainty you feel as the lights come back on and wish I was able to share a similar certainty, one way or the other, instead of sleepwalking through life, wanting to believe in the Hollywood romantic dream of boy meets girl, but still unsure even after all these years, of whether those rules apply to me.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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The certainty is not gender specific. The rules, such as they are, get muddied every time love is fallen into.
Some loves are transient, others deep and abiding. But gender has very little to do with them. Basic heterosexual men love other men. They just don't wish to make love to them.
If you open yourself to looking in the right places there are people whose jigsaw piece fits with your jigsaw piece. They are there, boy, girl they are there.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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You're a great guy and you will find the light again, it might hurt as you stumble around trying to find the switch, but you're strong and you'll be able to find it as you search with all your might.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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Oh JAMS, you always know I will be there for you. The dark places in our lives are when we need to rely on our friends the most.
Don't forget you have many.
Much Love,
Kevvy
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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Find people who you can love (= people who fit with your jigsaw piece) rather than find people who you can make love to?
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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absolutely.
Making love is a consummation of emotionmal love. Sex is also making love, but it is not vital that each person loves the other for sex to be enormously pleasant and satisfying. And sex for sex's sake is very pleasant with no emotional involvement.
When you find a matching jigsaw piece that may be all you ever need for emotional fulfilment. Imagine two people with a passion for shopping. If they are also friends their mutual passion may be sufficient to sustain them. If they find each other physically attractive as well, then bedroom athletics are also indicated.
Equally physical fun does not require love. It does, really, require "like", but not love.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Re: Hey smith! 
Re: It took me ages to be able to say that 
Re: Hey 
So what you are saying is ... 