A Place of Safety
I expect simple behaviours here. Friendship, and love.
Any advice should be from the perspective of the person asking, not the person giving!
We have had to make new membership moderated to combat the huge number of spammers who register
















You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > Eothain, let's have anew thread
Re: Morocco  [message #22712 is a reply to message #22701] Sun, 31 October 2004 23:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Eothain is currently offline  Eothain

Likes it here
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108



Well, tommorow is school again. Seems like bloody ages since I was last there. Also, it will be the first time I would have seen the year 7s in about 10 days. No doubt they will have forgotten me or something, as all it was was, no doubt, a brief fling. I don't expect I'll talk to them or play football with them tommorow, as they'll probably be too busy doing their own thing and forgetting about me. They probably didn't like me in the first place... "We never liked you!" "But what about the football and sitting next to me at lunch and talking to me?" "That was all just pretend. To make you think we did like you. As if that was ever true!" And that would be a more deadly blow than any with a knife. And then I'll go back to being alone again... Oh well, perhaps I can get used to it... "Theres not to reason why, theres but to do and die..."

Let's see what tommorow brings (though I can guess, and it isn't a happy predicition)...
Re: Morocco  [message #22713 is a reply to message #22712] Sun, 31 October 2004 23:42 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Eothain is currently offline  Eothain

Likes it here
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108



But then, what the hell was I thinking anyway?! Friendships with year 7s?! Yeah right! Like that's ever gonna work... There's a bloody five year age difference between them and me! I'm stupid for wanting any sort of platonic relationship, I'm stupid for being persistant, I'm stupid for spending £8 on presents on them from Morocco... Perhaps I'd be best if I did what I did with Steve... Just walk away and turn to a different path... It's pointless to continue... and like Timmy said in the opening post of this thread it's "more than unusual for a 16 year old to befriend a 12 year old, and it is probabaly more unusual for a 12 year old to befriend a 16 year old." Or 11 in this case, not that it matters... Considering they started it... there is/was probably some plot or something... not that it matters... I was stupid to have hope, I was stupid to have feelings... Stupid to have emotions... Stupid to be so naive... stupid to think that I could pursue this hopeless cause... Just like Steve except backwards... Eurgh...
Re: Morocco  [message #22714 is a reply to message #22712] Mon, 01 November 2004 01:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
trick is currently offline  trick

Getting started
Location: uk
Registered: September 2004
Messages: 24



hope all goes well for you.dickle
Re: Morocco  [message #22717 is a reply to message #22700] Mon, 01 November 2004 05:09 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Pyro is currently offline  Pyro

Toe is in the water
Location: Calgary Alberta Canada
Registered: September 2004
Messages: 87




Nice pictures...looks like a pretty cool place to visit.

When i looked at these pictures though it was today at a friend's house because my internet explorer is being a problem again. Well anyway, my friend is a cool guy but very straight. I was sitting at his computer checking out your pictures and he was sitting behind me watching over my shoulder and when i got to the picture of you with the camel, he all of a sudden said "whoa who's that?" and i said, "that's Hugh." And he said "no, i mean the girl in front of him." LOL. Sad)

Well anyway, i'm glad you had fun on your trip. I hope you have a good time at school and all the younger kids remember you (i'm sure they will.)

Take care,


Pyro.



Do what you love, changing the world is incidental.
Re: Morocco  [message #22721 is a reply to message #22712] Mon, 01 November 2004 07:21 Go to previous messageGo to next message
blue is currently offline  blue

Likes it here

Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131



HEY!! No freaking out and calling yourself stupid. Alright, so you're anxious about going back to school after the trip. Fine. You didn't drop off the face of the planet, and you haven't been forgotten. So if it takes them a while to notice. Then again, your friends at school may be really glad to see you again. -- Look, you're borrowing trouble, when you don't know if there's any problem. Don't make yourself miserable by convincing yourself of some bleak scene. -- A few people here posted to keep this thread active. We did that because we *like* you, Hugh, and we wanted this to be here when you got back. Sure, people were having a bit of fun too. -- But remember that you have people here who like you and are concerned. I am sure you have people at school who like you too.
Ya know something.....  [message #22723 is a reply to message #22712] Mon, 01 November 2004 16:32 Go to previous messageGo to next message
marc is currently offline  marc

Needs to get a life!

Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729



For months now, you ramble on and on about no one liking you and no one wants to be your friend and on and on and on.....

Then out of the blue, a small group of nice kids latch on to you and for a time played games and listened to your council and joked and generally had fun,,, and then a short separation and you create the illusion that they "used you" for some sort of diabolical tormenting that they plotted against you.

Bull crap!!!!!

Dude get a grip and stop seeing spectors under every shadow. Take their friendship for as much or as little time as realistic and relish in its pleasant simplicity. It's just that simple.

Your friends will most assuredly read all the self doubts and projected judgments you set forth in your post through a bit of body language or complacency that only you placed in your own mind.

To boil my rant into a syrup.... Try your best to think goodly of yourself and others will as well.



Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
Re: Morocco  [message #22727 is a reply to message #22717] Mon, 01 November 2004 18:07 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Eothain is currently offline  Eothain

Likes it here
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108



Well, seemingly they did not forget me as such. Walking down a corridor to lunch today, one of them (didn't see who) walked passed and said 'Hey Hugh'. I didn't respond because I was quite suprised by this and it was a busy corridor filled with people and it happened so quickly. Anyhow, had lunch and then I was like pacing around outside, watching them play football then for some reason, I can't remember exactly why, I walked fowards a few places and they noticed me, I think. They called several times as I turned away and was walking in the other direction, but I just kinda ignored them and said "Nah, I'm fine thanks," but probably not loud enough for them to here. Anyhow, I can't become friends with them anyway. There's a huge age difference between us. It would be simply better from all's POV just to step away... They're year 7, I'm year 12... It's certainly more than unsual, as said earlier... I might as well just go off and leave them be as, well, they're just kids... to be in a friendship with them would no doubt be trouble and as Timmy said earlier: "the world of a 12 year old is different from the world of a 16 year old. Many different concerns, different interests, different emotions." It simply lacks logic... Okay, I admit it probably wasn't some evil plot or anything, but that does not matter. It also wasn't a very strong paranioa, despite what I may have given the idea of. Regardless, they're still on the other side of a wall I can not cross. If I was to cross it, it would only bring trouble. I can't bloody well be obsessed with year 7s all my life. Year 7s stick with year 7s (and maybe year 8s), year 12s stick with year 12s (and 13 and maybe year 11s). That's the way it's meant to be, that's the way how I'm meant to be...
Re: Morocco  [message #22728 is a reply to message #22727] Mon, 01 November 2004 18:18 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



ok, you are now swinging to extremes. Read what XXX said. It makes sense.

If the kids want to be friends, BE a friend. Rejecting them is unpleasant and ludicrous. You were just rude to them today, really, now weren't you?

There is a whole adult grip to get here. If you want to be a decent mentor, get on and do it. It's not as if you want to get into their trousers after all.

Now you avoided very carefull the idea of youth organisations and being a leader. What's wrong with that?



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Morocco  [message #22729 is a reply to message #22728] Mon, 01 November 2004 22:24 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Eothain is currently offline  Eothain

Likes it here
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108



Bah. Most things are unpleasant and ludicrious! But in all honesty, it probably would be better for everyone, them especially, if I was just to keep my distance... Still, I guess I don't have to... yet... they are just kids... and if like on of them wanted me to... 'get in their pants', then I'd have to say no for the same reason as to decline their offer of friendship... They're kids, much younger than me and are too naive or whatever... And I wasn't rude to them today! Well, maybe I was slightly but it wasn't intentional... I admit I did feel slightly bad after sort of rejecting them... But I doubt they really care or mind... But then perhaps I'm just being an irrational idiot... Why don't I just accept their friendship... I dunno... just... it's not very proper is it? And I guess I'm just being paranoid or overly foolish. After all, there's nothing wrong with befriending people five years younger than oneself... I dunno, I'm so confused... It's like the bloody US Election going on inside my mind...

As for getting a grip on things, I'm 16. And teenagers arn't known to be the most rational beings. Most my age are busy having sex in various places or getting high on various things... As for being a leader... I can't lead. Ever. I don't have the charisma or confidence or level-headedness to be a leader. I am not a leader, I've never been so and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. Every leader needs a band of followers. I shall be one of them, and perform to the best of my ability at that role... k?
Re: Morocco  [message #22730 is a reply to message #22729] Mon, 01 November 2004 22:35 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



Eothain of Rohan, Child of the Riddermark wrote:
>As for being a leader... I can't lead. Ever. I don't have the charisma or confidence or level-headedness to be a leader. I am not a leader, I've never been so and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. Every leader needs a band of followers. I shall be one of them, and perform to the best of my ability at that role... k?

The checkout at Sainsbury's beckons, then.

To lead we have to learn to lead. It has been said that a "leader as a boy does not often makee a leader as a man". Different qualities in adulthood are needed from those in our childhood. Youth organisations do not just "find leaders", they make leaders. And they make them from seemingly strange material.

You weren't nice to those kids you know. You are going through some odd self rationlisations at the moment. One of those created your being negatively pleasant



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Morocco  [message #22731 is a reply to message #22730] Mon, 01 November 2004 22:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Eothain is currently offline  Eothain

Likes it here
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108



Oh come on. Just because I'm not keen on being a leader doesn't mean I'm going to be some git who works at Sainsbury's untill I'm 60, then retires and dies. That's really harsh! I can still be sucessful in life without having to be a leader...

And sure, I may not have been paticularly nice to them, but it's not like I was paticularly mean. Not like I said "Piss off and die, you annoying little bastards!" I just kinda waved away their cries... So what? It's not gonna lead to anyone's death. Just a small thing... Still... even now I sit here and think that I am being rather heartless... Maybe I am not deserving of such friends... Maybe I deserve no-one... Those kids deserve better. Better than me, better than anything I can provide. Better than my whole fridgid nature, as described by numerous people online... Fine, I'm bloody fridgid! I admit it! I don't bloody mean to be! I can't help it... I'm sorry... Though surely I haven't always been so... Nevertheless, I have so many vices... I'm just a disgrace... Self-centred, selfish, more frigid than an icecube of oxygen, lazy, heartless, cruel... It just goes on... Where ever did I go wrong?
I just have to ask.......  [message #22732 is a reply to message #22729] Mon, 01 November 2004 23:05 Go to previous messageGo to next message
marc is currently offline  marc

Needs to get a life!

Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729



All throughout the myriad of marathon threads I think one important thing has slipped into the abyss.

Just what is it that you want?

It is apparent that whatever you get isn't enough or not good enough or not meeting your lofty expectations.

Just what is it that you want?

I think it is important to define exactly what that is.

Once that is accomplished then there is a glimer of hope.

But not until......



Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
Re: Morocco  [message #22736 is a reply to message #22727] Tue, 02 November 2004 08:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
blue is currently offline  blue

Likes it here

Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131



Guys, give Eothain some credit, please. And let's retain some perspective ourselves, in giving him advice. Alright, so he didn't say much to them on his way to class. That isn't really so unusual for a 16 y.o. toward younger kids, or even toward his classmates. Especially, it's not unusual when you're a teen, and a little flummoxed by what to make of such friendships. Yes, it's somewhat rare for a 16 year old and a 12 year old (or 11, let's not be picky) to be friends. But it does happen and it is just fine and it isn't automatically sexual. Frankly, I'm a bit perplexed that some people, or that Brits generally, seem to immediately assume that there is a sexual component to any and all such friendships, especially at private schools. I am not deliberately ignoring the possibility, nor Eothain's past history, nor his worries on the issue. Those are real. But there is no certainty that such a thing is going to happen. Come on, don't tell me none of you had even one friendship with younger boys when you were teens, neighborhood kids or at church or cousins or brothers.

Eothain, it's fine that you were a little distant answering those boys in the hallway. But it is also just fine for you to have friendships with them or your own age or older teens. It doesn't at all mean you're thinking of them sexually. It means you are big-hearted enough to be nice to others. Don't get so anxious over whether you might get attracted or whether one of them might. That isn't as likely as you think. Just let it go. You won't do something you are strongly against. Look, of course you're a teen and horny and confused about life, that's the job description. Given your past, it makes sense you're a bit insecure about the whole thing, being friends or being sexual, maybe with anyone. It's OK! You will find the friends and love that you need; it isn't your fault that several things made having either worrisome for you. Believe me, I do know what it's like to want friends, want love, want sex; and yet be fearful of closeness, of fully opening up; and to worry about it all. Alright, enough of that. Just bringing it up is aggravating you, isn't it? It would've made me mad and embarrassed the fool out of me, for someone to talk so bluntly.

Leadership. Relax. It's nothing more than helping out, guiding, even mentoring. Don't get caught up in thinking it's some big hero and pomp and circumstance. Mostly, it's not. The best leaders, you'd hardly know they were anything special. Some of the best qualities a good leader has are the ability to follow well; and to put himself in the shoes of the people he leads; and to have a big enough heart to care about people, like those younger kids, who are less advantaged in some way. I am uncomfortable in leadership roles, and I don't feel like I'm very good at it. Yet it is something you ~can~ learn, and as someone who is intelligent and sensitive to others' needs, you are going to be put in leadership roles in life.

Prior to your trip, those boys invited you to play football and eat and talk together. It didn't feel like being a mentor or a leader, but I bet they looked up to that older teen who liked being with them. You needed it and so did they. And that is being a leader or mentor (and a friend) as simple as that, even though none of you thought of it as such. -- Please don't deny yourself the normalcy and simplicity of things like that.

Those other things, both the ones you want, and the ones that worry you, will work out in time. It does help to talk with people about them. But even that is something you can work up to.

~Blue // I sent you an e-mail the other day, Eothain.
Re: Morocco  [message #22744 is a reply to message #22736] Tue, 02 November 2004 23:58 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Eothain is currently offline  Eothain

Likes it here
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108



Yes, Blue's right. Give me some credit. And XXX, my expectations are not lofty. They're far from it. Don't think of me as some demanding fool. As for what I want, it's just friendship with this young boys, a close friendship maybe reaching brotherhood type closeness but I'm aware that would take time. The thing is, however, I'm not sure if that's a wise thing and perhaps it'd be better not to pursue such a course. That's the main sticky wicket in this case.

Anyhow, today I spent most of the day being depressed (no change there). They weren't playing football at lunch on the field or in the lower school playground (but that's mainly just year 8s). And at lunch, on a Tuesday I have a double free period before lunch so I always go to lunch at quater to one, the same time as the year 7s and 8s. So, I go and sit down at lunch (alone), hoping that they'd come over to sit with me like they have done several times before but alas it was not to be so forcing me to sit alone (most of the other year 12s come into lunch later at around 1 as that's when morning lessons end). Well, untill some random year 8 (though I'm confused as signs point that he's in year 8 when I always thought he was in year 9) kid called Chris sat next to me, though I've never spoken a single word to him, despite having seen him all the time and sat on the same table as him at least twice at lunch. To be honest, I don't think I saw that paticular group of year 7s once during lunch... So anyhow, I spent lunch being depressed, then had history where I can never remain properly depressed for long. Anyhow, after that I got my bags and walked over to the biology lab, and the year 7s in general were walking towards me coming from ceramics, and Ali came up to me and said that they'd be playing football on the field tommorow and asked if I wanted to join, to which I said sure, seeing no reason to decline. Sure, I have an ECA tommorow, but screw it. What's the worst that could happen? Detention? Community service? Such things must be sacrificed in love... So yeah, perhaps the last day or two has only been a slight mishap in the entire relationship thing and everything will continue from normal. With all this talk of drives and such, it must get confusing imaging my school. How about a nice map?

..............-------------------------------------
.....__....__.#######################|
....|oo|..|oo|#######################|.........................................|RRRRR|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
....|oo|..|oo|#######################|.........................................|RRRRR|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
....|ooo---oo|#######################|.......................................|RRRRR|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
....|--------|----------------.------|............................................................|RRRRR|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
....|00|..|00|......~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~|............................................|RRRRR|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
....|00|..|00|......~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~|............................................|RRRRR|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
....|---|.|00|......~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~|..............................................|RRRRR|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
.........................|.__|______|__....................................................|RRRRR|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
.........................|.|~~~~~~~~~~~|...........HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...|RRRRR|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
.........................|.|~~~~~~~~~~~|...........HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...|RRRRR|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
.....................~~~~~~___________||.......HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...|RRRRR|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
.....................~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~...HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...|RRRRR|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
.....................~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~........................................|RRRRR|F________________________
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRCeramics->RR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTESLESLESL........................................RRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG...........__________RRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.............................RRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.....SS...???......???RRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.....SS...???......???RRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.....SS...??????????RRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.....SS...??????????RRRRR
_____________________________________________________________________________|RRRRR


As you can see, rather hectic. Now for the key:

o= Lower school class rooms
O= Flottage classrooms
R= Road
#= Lower school playground
~= Science Labs
S= Sixth form studies
T= Toilet
ESL= English as a second language classrooms
G= Gardens
?= First school class rooms
F= fields (the one shown (there are a few more) is the one where we play football)
|= Generally means a wall or a fence
.= Empty space, used for floors in big rooms or just to space everything out
H= Teacher's houses.

Not shown on the map is the main school building (where the girls dorms, lunch hall and a few other places are) which may come tommorow, and the ceramics, art and cdt center and PAC and dance studio but that's labled being down the road as just ceramics.

Anyway, perhaps you didn't need that or want that. Perhaps it's hideious, but meh, it was fun to do and may give you something to go by when I say stuff.
Re: Morocco  [message #22745 is a reply to message #22744] Wed, 03 November 2004 00:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
trick is currently offline  trick

Getting started
Location: uk
Registered: September 2004
Messages: 24



hey fella hope things start to run smoothly from now on
if not just know that many of us have been & still go
thru similar circumstances not that thats much comfort to you.friendships with seemingly big age differnces when your a teen may appear hard to justify but that doesn't make them
wrong.most of my friends are 5-7 years younger than me some are even more i seem to just look out for their wellbeing &
it works but i had many years of lonliness & depression aswell.even though my close friends seem to think i have all the answers in reality i don't & if i did i probably wouldn't have the confidence to give them out.
if iv'e gone off on a tangent then i'll blame the painkillers for this broken ankle of mine. thinking of you dickle
Re: Morocco  [message #22754 is a reply to message #22745] Wed, 03 November 2004 23:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Eothain is currently offline  Eothain

Likes it here
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108



Well, today was substantially better than the previous days. Didn't speak with them on the way to or from morning talk, which was a bit dissapointing, but I never actually saw them, therefore they wouldn't have seen me and it's hard to talk to someone you can't see. Anyhow, then there was another free period, then history. Then lunch. As I didn't have a free period before lunch, I got to the lunch hall at around 1 or 1:05 so I missed them (but didn't sit on my own for lunch). Anyhow, I ate lunch then I had a huge decision to make: play football and develop my friendship or go to chess... Huge because the former would have quite big risks of detention or community service while the latter would risk my friendship. But me, being the type of person I am, decided to go for the former, screw chess! It'll take more than a detention to stop me! Much must be risked in war. Or friendship. So yeah, I decided to join them at football, uninvited, but I've done that a few times. The greeting I recieved was really nice, rather heart warming. So we played football, and stuff. 'Twas fun. Then I spent the rest of lunch trying to avoid the physics teacher. Then one time I was walking out of flotage, she walked past and didn't seem to notice me, but I nearly had a heart attack! Anyhow, there was the rest of the school day which wasn't too exciting. Had sixth form games and I was in goal and make some pretty rubbish saves, but oh well. They kick substantially harder than the year 7s! Anyhow, that was my day, not too bad. Brings a beam of hope. Ofcourse, there's one slight problem... Basically, it's my whole sexual 'desires'. Not to say I want to have sex with them. Fine, I kinda of do, I admit it, but in a loving way. It would be nice to have romantic loving sex with them... However, it's not something I'd actively persue or seek, and I wouldn't like initiate it, they'd have to start it. But regardless of that, I have never in any way thought of them erotically or in any sort of sexual manner, it's not that I think of them sexually, just I'd like sex with them. Ofcourse, it's probably not gonna happen or and I'm not gonna rape them or abuse them or force them into something. I'd just like romantic... oh lord, I can't believe I'm saying this. XXX will rip me a new one... I can't believe I'm feeling it either. So long as my thoughts remain pure. I... I just want something passionate... But... Oh please don't hurt me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my thoughts. I'm sorry for feeling this way. I'd never harm them, but can you blame someone for wanting romantic sex? I'm not a pedo... I'm not... I... don't think of them sexually! I've never once imagined them naked or in any sort of acts, it's just something I'd like but wouldn't pursue. If the occassion rose up... I'd never harm anyone, really. I'm not a pedo! *bursts into tears*
Re: Morocco  [message #22760 is a reply to message #22754] Thu, 04 November 2004 07:47 Go to previous messageGo to next message
blue is currently offline  blue

Likes it here

Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131



I'm glad you had a good time at football (soccer) with both groups. Fantastic!

Maybe you could change your schedule somehow, so skipping out on your chess ECA to play football wouldn't make you risk detention or community service or whatever.

Eothain of Rohan, Child of the Riddermark wrote:
> Ofcourse, there's one slight problem... Basically, it's my whole sexual 'desires'. [ ... ] So long as my thoughts remain pure. I... I just want something passionate... But... Oh please don't hurt me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my thoughts. I'm sorry for feeling this way. [ ... ] can you blame someone for wanting romantic sex? [ ... ] it's just something I'd like but wouldn't pursue. If the occassion rose up... I'd never harm anyone, really. [ ... ] *bursts into tears*



You're 16 and male: Smile that alone means you could almost find a rock sexually attractive. Surprised

Eothain, you're allowed to have sexual thoughts and desires. God or nature gave you sex organs. It's no surprise, then, that they respond somehow, even in your sleep. Don't let it worry you, there were things I'd never do in real life.

It is not your fault that you have bad memories that resurface.

I have more to post on this subject, but I keep trying to fall asleep. I'll post more, later.

~Blue
Re: Morocco  [message #22765 is a reply to message #22760] Thu, 04 November 2004 22:24 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Eothain is currently offline  Eothain

Likes it here
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108



Well, you have to have at least two ECAs and go to them, the two I have are football and chess. Football I only went to once (but ironically I often play football on a monday with year 7s anyway), but it was actually really good I did because the year 7s actually met me from that. I don't get any fuss from that as the person who takes that is Australian and they're too nice.

Anyhow, today was an interesting day. There was biology in which I think the prep I handed in was two short. He said 3-5 pages and mine was two... So damn... Then at break I saw my geography teacher about mentoring, and he aranged me to come and mentor in the fourth period, one of my frees. So eventually it came to the fourth period and I admit I was nervous. So, I followed the geography teacher into the class and took a seat, where after everything was sorted out (i.e registering), then I was introduced. And then I began mentoring. As they're doing map work at the moment, specifically on Africa and Asia, I liked helped out like pointing them in the direction of various countries and towns and mountain ranges. One kid, called Alex, as well as reminding me so much of a girl in my year (not that he's feminine), I actually started talking with but that was from after the lesson and walking to the next one. But hey, we parted with a "cya!" which isn't that bad for one period! Then I had chemistry in which I got my results in the questions for the first two topics (two Cs, not good). Chemistry went and passed and I did something rather rebelious and risky but potentially good. Basically, there's a double year 7 geography lesson tommorow morning which my geography teacher wanted me to mentor in, so I decided to get out of chemistry which I have then so I could mentor instead. Not thinking he'd allow me to miss the double lesson or even one lesson for mentoring, I just said I might miss the first lesson, he didn't ask why thankfully, silent mouths tell no lie. Anyway, he said okay, after all they'd just be going through the test and I'd be there for the second one so no major loss, but potentially a good benifit. So, I went to lunch somewhat happy, having sucessfully mentored a class, and gonna mentor one tommorow and perhaps being able to make some more friendships with year 7s. Anyhow, I went to the field where the year 7s were playing football, but I was somewhat taken back by the large presense of people, in year 10 I think (at least one of them was), but certainly old kids. Most of which more physically mature than me (but then, most people in year 10 and above are). But anyhow, I join that. For a while actually, me and the year 7s were just standing there watching the year 10s play... Then we kinda gradually mingled in, but for me it was a bit reluctant as it was just an organised melee. Then eventually I went in goal but we were sort of playing with three balls so it was somewhat difficult to make any saves when there's three balls coming at you at once. Then some year 10 went in goal (stealing MY position!) and some of the year 10s left while one remained and continued playing in goal while the year 7s took penalties and I mainly watched. During this time, I felt a bit kinda of left out and also as if the year 10 was sort of stealing the year 7s from me (I know, it's stupid). Then eventually the year 10 left at 5 to two so I got about 10 minutes, if that, with just the year 7s and me... Then afterwards, I left feeling well, low... kinda pissed off really (bloody year 10s! As if that's something I need: competition!)... Not to mention the fact that I had a history test essay later that afternoon which I knew I was gonna do badly in (essentially, at the moment I'm doing rubbish in all my subjects except for geography. Even history and I'd prided myself on being great at history since year 7) so I left football pissed off (for like the first time ever)... Then had geography and history (I think I managed a C on the test essay)...

So yeah, pretty interesting day... I just need to think of an excuse for missing the first lesson of chemistry if anyone asks (why is it that year 7s seem to bring out the rebelious side of me... perhaps it's because I've never really been a rebel as such so this gives me a chance to). My friend would give me so much heck over it. Infact, he'll probably will whatever I do, but hopefully less if I make up a good excuse. And I don't actually want to get into trouble.
Re: Morocco  [message #22766 is a reply to message #22754] Fri, 05 November 2004 03:06 Go to previous messageGo to next message
joesdog is currently offline  joesdog

Likes it here
Location: USA
Registered: June 2004
Messages: 252




Eothain, buddy--chill out! I don't believe you're a "pedo", and i certainly don't think you'd hurt anyone. So you want romantic love--so what? it's what we all want, in one way or another.



"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
not your fate - your limits are what you make them  [message #22777 is a reply to message #22754] Fri, 05 November 2004 16:43 Go to previous messageGo to next message
blue is currently offline  blue

Likes it here

Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131



Once more unto the breach, dear friends. What I was trying to finish in my reply to your post, and got too sleepy to continue, is now below your quote.

Eothain of Rohan, Child of the Riddermark wrote:
> Ofcourse, there's one slight problem... Basically, it's my whole sexual 'desires'. [ ... ] So long as my thoughts remain pure. I... I just want something passionate... But... Oh please don't hurt me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my thoughts. I'm sorry for feeling this way. [ ... ] can you blame someone for wanting romantic sex? [ ... ] it's just something I'd like but wouldn't pursue. If the occassion rose up... I'd never harm anyone, really. [ ... ] *bursts into tears*



This part was written before your reply.

As I said in my previous reply, everyone wants friendship, romantic love, passion, and yes, hot sex, with someone who wants the same with them. That is healthy and good. "Pure thoughts?" I know, you've been raised that sex and particularly same-sex feelings are "impure" somehow, perhaps your religious background or home-life says that is "of the flesh" or "dirty." Hogwash. God gave you sex organs just like he gave you a brain, and he gave you the ability to think, to feel, and even to have sexual feelings, so that you could share love with another human being. Like everything else, we have to learn "how to" and what the limits are. Adolescence is all about testing those limits and growing up, physically, mentally, socially, sexually, beyond how you were as a kid.

Right now, you're worried, because those feelings are mixed up and heading toward your new friends.

I'm not about to berate you or accuse you of something that I doubt you really would do or would want. So please keep reading, but what I'm going to say might bring up old, unwanted memories. I don't mean to, I just want to talk to you man to man. You deserve that honesty. First, let me say a little before getting to my main point.

What happened to you means you carry around a hidden burden. No one knows what that invisible thing is, even if they notice you're sad or distant. Because they don't want to hurt you, and they don't know how to help, they tend not to say anything. It's supposed to be kind and courteous, but instead, to you, it feels like they don't care and don't notice. You've put up your defenses to do your best to keep going. That makes you a survivor, it's a way to deal with it and get on with life. But it's still there.

My own bad memory, and the guilt and shame and sadness, are something I've shared with a handful of people online, where I could be somewhat anonymous and reach out for help, because I could no longer hold it in, or I'd burst. One person in real life now has only a vague outline of what another boy and I did, and that it went wrong for us both, and is a memory that has colored my whole life since. I've now told you what happened. So that others know a little, it was coerced fellatio that went badly because, that young, I thought the other boy would piss in my mouth. I wound up hurting him unintentionally, not severely, but enough to badly traumatize me from the guilt and shame of hurting someone in the most private way, and from doing something I had been raised to believe was wrong: anything sexual with another boy.

OK, my main point: Because of your past, you have a subtle fear of getting close to classmates your age, and it feels easier and safer to be around younger boys. I don't mean for sex, I mean in all ways, simple companionship, ordinary male bonding, everything. Because of your past, your internal definitions, deep down, of friendship, love, and sex have gotten blurred, not by your doing, against your will, and your sense of trust was hurt.

Written after your reply yesterday:

In junior high (12 to 14 years old) I wound up fooling around with a couple of neighborhood boys, much younger than me, nothing beyond looking at each other and me touching them a little, not even wanking. I wanted more, but I wouldn't make them do anything, I couldn't. That was enough to make me feel guilty and confused, and yes, I wondered what it meant about me. I've talked in other posts about my later history, which, no, didn't include young boys. I outgrew that.

Just because you might have troublesome, mixed-up feelings about boys younger than you doesn't mean you're fated to do something wrong with them. The fact that it worries you and you consider it wrong says you have it within you to keep from doing that. You'll find there is a subtle difference between what you might want to do and what you actually would do. It's subtle enough that you may not see the difference yet. I didn't, for a long time, but it's there, and that's enough to keep you from doing it.

Now then. You said, "Please don't hurt me. I'm sorry." Eothain, I realize you wrote that, afraid people would flame you for bringing up the subject. But, to risk pop-psych (popular psychology) -- On some level, that is also you, both younger and now, crying out for it to stop, for forgiveness for what happened, afraid it will happen again, or that you'll repeat the pattern with someone else, either that you'll be hurt, or will hurt someone else. -- Eothain, it is the past. You have a future. There are good people in this world; some of them have been through things like you have, and gotten through to the other side, to the health and happiness you want so much. There are also many people who are good and loving and would never dream of hurting you in friendship or in love, and many of them have love enough to help someone like you heal, by being a friend, or by sharing love.

You were surprised you could find someone who'd listen and talk with you plainly about these things. I'm not the only one on the planet who's approachable to talk with, you know. It's OK if you cry.

OK, one more thought, and I'll let you go. -- You have taken a big step by talking on the forum about yourself. Many people never get that far, and it eats them up inside, a monster in the closet. I hope someday you'll go just a bit further, and find the help to bring that monster out into the light, so that it shrinks to nothingness.

Eothain, I'm still listening. My IM and e-mail are available when you need them.
Re: Morocco  [message #22820 is a reply to message #22766] Sun, 07 November 2004 22:19 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Eothain is currently offline  Eothain

Likes it here
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108



Well, as days go, Friday was a somewhat good one. It had everything a good day should involve: no horrible suprsises pertaining to work results, mentoring, sitting with the year 7s at lunch and football.

I did mentor during the first chemistry period and didn't get into any trouble about it. It was good though. One person in the class I was mentoring like recognised me outside of class and seemed quite pleased to see me like at lunch I joined the que behind him and he turned around saw me and said "Hugh! Heya!". At lunch the year 7s invited me to sit next to them which I did. Talked a bit, then some of them went and some year 8s came over and sat next to me. Not much talking took place with them but I don't mind. Then there was football with them, no year 10s this time and it was good. Some left somewhat early though leaving just me and another year 7 (whose name I can't remember) and we played together for a while...

Anyhow, that was the school day, but things remain interesting afterwards. I spoke to Blue on YIM and he sent me the link to this music video, saying that it involved two young boys, around 13 or 14, kissing. I was intreguided and downloaded it. The video I'm talking about is Viðrar vel til loftárása by an Icelandic group called Sigur Ros. This video struck a nerve end, deffinately. It just seemed to speak out to me... The images of the two boys, the music and lyrics, so well interwined with the footage... Deeply powerfull stuff. It so moved me and I could rellate to the boy in the video quite well... Anyhow, the video and music reverberated through my head so much so that at archery yesturday, I could not focus at all. My arrows went all over the place except on target. The video just haunted my mind... So archery was meh... Today I had archery again first thing and I managed to focus so I did marginly better as it was in the first 'match' of the 'season' in a big 'league'. But still the video haunted me... It made me realize how much I long for a romantic relationship with the year 7s, one specificially. And to engage in a passionate kiss like in that video with this one year 7, it would be, well, nice... Even to do it in the middle of a crowded football pitch like in that video, would be worth it if it had the whole passion behind it. Why with a year 7? Well, for one thing I'm quite close to them, also they're relatively innocent, they're not are sex crazed maniacs, but can still feel love and there'd be innocent love, like in that video, you see them playing together and having fun, yet also experiencing love, not just shagging each other repeatedly (sorry to be so blunt), like in the Holiday story, the change between James at age 9 to age 14. Fine, sex would be okay, but it would be more me giving (oral and, er, hand) because it would give me emmotional pleasure from giving them physical pleasure if you get what I mean... But ofcourse, I'd never do anything (deffinately not sexual) without consent or maybe if I got the idea that he felt the same way or a similar way (but that's doubtfull to happen) like in the video... What can I say, it's idealised love with someone I care about...
Re: Morocco  [message #22821 is a reply to message #22820] Sun, 07 November 2004 22:55 Go to previous messageGo to next message
joesdog is currently offline  joesdog

Likes it here
Location: USA
Registered: June 2004
Messages: 252




Hey eothain--

read your post...and there's a couple of things i'd like to point out about the video:
1.) it doesn't end well. The two boys both get hauled off by authority figures, and i have no doubt that the one boy's older relative (father? Uncle?) makes his life a misery afterward.
2.) it strikes me that the whole scene, from the time the dolls first hit the water till the time we see them in the water again at the end of the video, is all a fantasy in the mind of the boy who witnesses the dolls being disgarded in the first place.

and about the year 7s and having an affair with one: innocence and naivete like you describe wanting is evanescent...it doesn't last and it's not meant to. It's a protection from the reality of the world so that a child can grow into an adult without the harshness of the world intruding into the development of the child into an adult. The intrusion of sexuality into that extremely fragile state of being quickly disperses it...leaving the child with too much knowlege and experience too early. it's like the theory that simply observing certain subatomic particles changes the way they behave...the intervention of adult sexuality changes fundamentally the way such a child believes, and that changes the child in ways that should not happen until they are emotionally developed enough to handle those changes. Only by the non-interference of a platonic friendship can one really experience the kind of innocence and naivete you long for, and only at second hand. Sorry pal, but that's the way the world works.

aj



"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
Re: Morocco  [message #22824 is a reply to message #22820] Mon, 08 November 2004 02:02 Go to previous messageGo to next message
blue is currently offline  blue

Likes it here

Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131



Eothain,

You've unintentionally, I think, given the false impression that I approve and encourage something I don't.

You know I don't approve of a relationship beyond friendship between someone your age and someone several years younger. You even said you knew it wouldn't work to be with a year 7 or 8. In that chat, we talked about how it would be better for you to be with someone within +/- 1 or 2 years of your year.

I mentioned the video because I thought it would help you see a relationship closer to your age, and the possible joys and problems involved. Yes, it's a very powerfully moving video. Like AJ said, it's also very melancholy.

The difference between a Year 7 and you is like the difference between hearing the sound of a distant river and actually being in the river rushing onward.

It would be much more enjoyable for you to be with someone your age, if and when you reach the point you're ready. I do know from what you've said that this is all pretty much a what-if scenario anyway, and just about any contact worries you.

Your post concerns me. You could end up with more hurt than you already carry around, if you even kissed a boy that age. How needless that would be for so many. And you are better than that.

You are still welcome to talk to me, though I'd hope you'd listen.
icon4.gif Unreadable thread. Locked. Start a new one please  [message #22826 is a reply to message #22451] Mon, 08 November 2004 08:00 Go to previous message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



No Message Body



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Previous Topic: Im so sad, lonely, i was angry, but now im only sad. Please
Next Topic: Please can we learn when to start new threads?
Goto Forum: