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I have realised I was gay since I was 13. I always felt different from all the other guys. I didn't like sport and didn't like looking at girls. And I was very effeminate in many ways. I was very emotional and fragile.
People already seemed to work out I was gay. People say it is because I am so tidy and organised and clean, but I think it is more than that.
I really started having sexual feelings in October 2003, when I met a beautiful boy. He was handsome and had a perfect and tanned body and a kind heart.
I have never stopped thinking about him. All last year I used to dream about him and being with him. Sometimes I cry but I don't know why; I think it is the desperate want to be with him.
Is there someone out there who knows what I am going through and can talk or just someone who I can talk to? I would love to hear from you!
Justin Brooker
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Falochu
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Getting started |
Registered: January 2005
Messages: 1
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Hey Justin, I'm listening. You can definitely talk to me, and I'm going to venture to guess that I know alot of what you're going through. In fact, I would love to talk to someone who might relate to what I'm going through. You just might be that person.
I also don't like sports, never wanted to look at girls...
When I was only 12 years old I met this awesome boy in my P.E. class...didn't realize it immediately, because I hadn't yet realized I was gay, but I quickly fell in love with him. At first I just wanted to be his friend, to know everyting about him, and to be with him all the time...but soon I found myself wishing for more...
Its been four years since I first met him. A long time. (hey for me at least, everyone older out there, remember 4 years IS a long time for someone my age!) Anyways, I'm still thinking about him every day, and really want to be with him...to be his boyfriend, if you will.
Hm...kinda have to go...can't risk parents catching me on this forum...but please if you still want to talk, I'd love to hear from you again!
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Glad to see you could make it, Justin. I'd give you a more detailed response, but like, we talk on MSN and you already know my advice to you so I'll leave it to others to offer their insight. Maybe you'll be able to find someone you can relate to a little better than an old man like me. Even if no one here can solve your problems for you (which I doubt they can- only you have the power to do that) here you'll find a group of people that are very kind, loving and supportive and able to offer advice and comfort, if nothing else. Hope you enjoy your stay!
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I've been there. I went through my school life trying to be macho when I wasn't. I was useless at sport, though I wished I wasn't. I couldn't catch a ball until I was 14. Oddly I found something I could excel in. Not a team sport at all.
People worked out I was gay, too. I didn't think so then. I know so now. It wasn't tidiness, nor anything much else. I wasn't tidy. It was, I think, the way I looked at girls. They were kind of irrelevant. It was probably the way I denied it, too.
I've cried. I cried for thrity six and a half years. My boy was beautiful too (actually he wasn't, but he was to me), and kind (actually, he wasn't even kind to me), and he was genuinely sporty and outgoing and fun and.... Actually, if I analyse him, he was 90% sure to have been gay too. And I cried over him for most of my life.
I guess I have an idea what you might be going through.
The next step takes courage. It is the decision about what to do next. Not doing it. Deciding what to do. It may be to do nothing and carry on in the safe and rotten place you are now. It may be to alter the boundaries of where you are now to include the risk of actually "being gay". It may be to work out how to be gay without labelling yourelf as different.
Tell us a little more about you. How old you are is good to speak about or to leave out. But tell us about your hopes and fears, the environment you're in and the rest. And about the real objective chances of you and this wonderful boy getting together and being friends at least.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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So many of us here have the same issues. It's why I created the place. 
Four years doesn't get any shorter when you're desparate to speak and don't ever dare, when you just want to inhale the air he exhales, when all you live for is just to see him, not even to speak to him.
To ensure parnets do not look at where you have surfed remmeber to delete all trace of history in your browser. The forum does not look like a gay forum, though. Just an ordinary messageboard.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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17 years old here and i totally understand what you are going through. If you need to talk, i'm all ears because sometimes the best you can do is to listen and if necessary give advice.
Hope to hear from you, just drop a message.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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No Message Body
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Picking up on something Timmy said here, the only thing that makes you gay, Justin, is the fact that you are attracted to males and want a relationship with males rather than females in most cases. Everything else is irrelevant to some degree. Being bad at sport doesn't make you gay there are quite a few people I have talked to from here and other places that are gay and who excel at sport. Being tidy doesn't make you gay, I'm an absolute slob at times yet I'm still gay. Being feminine doesn't make you gay, I've told you about Jake and he is not just one of the least feminine gay guys I know, he is one of the least feminine guys I know, hands down.
You might not be interested in athletics; you may be organised, neat and tidy; you may be feminine and you may be emotional and fragile. But that isn't what makes you gay- that is what makes you Justin. And being gay is what makes you Justin. It is just another part of you. And a small unimportant part in the long run. Right now it is big and important, it always is when you first realise it- it's a relatively new discovery about yourself and new discoveries are always important for a while. But with time all it will really decide is if your lover is a man or a woman.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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i so totally know what you're going through too, i have the same problem myself, and i know how emotional it can be. sometimes the best thing is to cry and let it all out to someone you trust, who can be there and support you.
just remember that no matter what you're problems and struggles are, you never have to bear your burdens alone, while only you can act, myself, along, i guess, with everyone else who has and will post here are happy to help you, and share you problems, and talk, and most of all support you.
you're not alone my friend
Aden
Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, set fieri sentio et excrucior
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trick
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Getting started |
Location: uk
Registered: September 2004
Messages: 24
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yeah i could say i've been where your at now
but in reality i'm still there.i have one friend
who i love totally but he's definatly not gay
(damn shame) and he see's me as his big bro
and i'm so cool with that but it doesnt make
the feelings any less inside.
i was never good at most sports either
but nobody ever thinks i'm gay because
according to stereotypes gays don't play rugby
(not that skillfully) and they don't powerlift
nearly 400lbs (neither have i for the last 2 years).
oh and i have a skinhead and drive a truck so
i can't be gay or so they think.
we are only gay because of who were attracted to
not what we look,act or sound like.
take note of what people say to you here
you'll get sound advice.
(better end this now i'm rambling on)
cheers,be happy. dickle
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Thank you very much to all of you who replied to my post. It was so lovely to be reassured that I am not alone and that there are so many people willing to help and to listen. Very sweet of you all.
Some of you had said to me things like "don't let your parents catch you on this" and "delete any traces of this web site" etc etc. I want to let the people who said that know that I have already told my parents I am gay and they have been so loving and supporting. They treat me as if I am no different at all and keep telling me it's something I should be proud of and not to be afraid. And that also includes my extended family. I suppose not all people are so broad minded, eh?
Thank you once again and I would love to get to know you all a lot better.
Justin Brooker
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Yup...been down that road too. And it's a long and lonely trip when you ain't got no matchin' luggage, honey. Oh, sorry...My inner queen just made a cameo appearance. Ahem! What was i saying?
Oh yeah...unrequited love. It sucks. I've found that, at least for me, the hardest part is not knowing--the uncertainty of it all. In my experience, once you know what that other person is feeling, whether it works out well, or they don't know you from Adam and don't feel anything special for you, the period of questioning and confusion is over and you can move on to a more healthy and manageable place. If they like you too (and i think that happens a surprisingly high number of times), then you can move on into friendship and possibly a relationship with them. If they don't, then you have clarity on the issue and you can start to disengage yourself from this painful situation.
A couple questions: Are you friends, or at least aquaintances, with this boy? Do you know what his sexual orientation is? How you answer those questions may have a very large bearing on decide the situation should be handled. Last question: having seen him for the last year, what is his reaction to you? Does he completely ignore you, or is he friendly?
In any case, i wish you well with this situation, and like everyone else, I'm always pleased to talk. You can catch me on YIM under joesdoga.
cheers!
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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