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There doesn't seem to have been much activity round here this weekend...
I feel like a bastard at the moment because I told a very old friend I was gay and he said that he was surprised, as he remembered that I made a homophobic comment years and years ago (when I must have been 13 or 14) and assumed I was homophobic. Except that he couldn't remember the details and wasn't sure what I was referring to... so he assumed I was talking about homosexuality in general. Whereas it occurs to me that I could have been talking about the mechanics of sex, or the promiscuity of some of the people at my school, neither of which I have been very happy about historically. Or I could have made a comment to try and deflect attention from myself - something I realise now is probably rather an unpleasant thing to do... but I imagine most of us have done it at some point?
I suppose things like that happen... things you don't remember ever saying will jump up and bite you years afterwards. Things that could have affected the way that people looked at you for years.
When I look back on the way I've behaved in the past, I wish I could go back and change it all. Re-run my life from 13 onwards. I suppose that's what becoming an adult is all about... realising that one cannot take anything for granted, and one can never assume that simply because something means nothing to one it means nothing to everyone else. One should never say something simply because it is the "easy" thing to say.
David
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Incidentally, my friend was really nice about it and didn't mind in the slightest. But I still feel guilty. I don't think I was ever as nice a person as I would like to think I was.
From about the age of 15 or 16 I made the conscious decision that if anyone asked me if I was gay I would tell them. But no-one ever did, actually. I was also pretty careful not to condemn anyone who was gay, though I don't think I have ever really knew anyone at school who was gay - or at least, whom I knew was gay. Except for a couple of people who used it as an attention-seeking device.
Sorry for these posts. They don't mean anything really. I had better be careful not to start using this messageboard as a diary.
Deeej
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Hey David
Stop beating yourself up. The man who never made a mistake, never did anything, and we're all in the same boat about things we did in the past and wish we hadn't.
The fact your friend was nice about it should be comfort enough and that he couldn't remember the details means it was no big deal for him.
Hugs
N
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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Thanks, Nigel.
I was feeling a little down yesterday and I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps it was just the heat.
I think when I was younger I was a bit selfish and I never really thought about how my actions would affect other people. I think it is probably lucky that I have realised that now before it's too late.
Incidentally, I passed my first year of university. It sounds like I'll have to go back.  Which is good, or bad, depending on which way I look at it.
David
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13783
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Sometimes one makes homophobic remarks as a survival instinct. Pay it no heed. You have corrected it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13783
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I was thinking a bit more, too.
Sex is, per se, when looked at in the cold light of day, a messy process. Homosexual sex with the implications of anal intercourse, or with semen with "nowhere to go" (actually it has nowhere to go in a vagina either), is potentially a turn off.
The thing that makes any form of sex acceptab;e is the emotional state that goes with anything except pure sex" (Sex less emotion). I can quite see why one might find sex as sex distasteful.
Hence not just homophobic remarks, but my best friend until I was 13 was actively and militantly disgusted with his heterosexual parents. A heterophobic child! He had never entertained the thoughts of homosexuality, so he was not actively homphobic.
I always wondered if he had a sex life when he grew up. Lost touch totally.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Thank you, Timmy.
I have always had difficulty reconciling the beauty of boys and men (and women, for that matter) with the mechanical and somewhat sordid act of sexual intercourse. And that is basically the reason I disliked being gay for such a long time. Not because I had ever come across much homophobia (I think I must be marvellously lucky in that respect) but simply because ... well, my almost Platonic perception of masculine beauty is so different from virtually every portrayal of homosexuality in the media, and even the way that most gay men seem to view themselves. And I didn't want to be tarred by the same brush.
David
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13783
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You know, if it helps, I only wanted to be with and hold and kiss and be kissed back. I think it was a logical progression then to wanting full blown sex simply because that was what I expected to happen.
But what WAS "full blown sex"?
I had no real idea. So I taught myself in my loneliness to enjoy what I expected gay boys did. And I found it was good. But I also had to learn hygiene. And that is normal.
And what DO you do with semen? The answer is either enjoy the feel or wipe or wash away. Or lick.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Seamen are fun.... Soldiers are too,,,, but marines can tend to be a little on the rough side so liquer then up good first....
oh....... semen.... nevermind
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