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When a relationship starts (romatic or whatnot) you make a decision.
You tell them you just want to be friends, nothing more, and you
find out things.
What do you do? Tell them you don't want to see them again? Tell
them things are "just wrong"? Tell them you don't want things like that
to happen?
There is no right answer. You look like an ass if you say one thing
and they want to hear another.
We were spose to be just friends, and I find out things. He knows I'm
after someone else and things still happen. things while I'm asleep or
to drunk to know whats going on. I don't like it anymore, and not sure
what to do. I like spending time with him, but what am I to do?
Brian
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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You can have something rather than wish for it ...........
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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I'm not sure what "things" are -- you're rather vague, so I hope I haven't got the end of the stick!
If "things" are an abuse of trust, something that you have specifically asked that person not to do -- especially if they are done behind your back -- then, to be honest, it sounds like you either ought to keep him at a distance, or reject him altogether. At the very least you should talk to your friend about it: if he values the friendship he will agree to set boundaries and compromise. If he won't, then he is not worth having as a friend, regardless of how likeable he is.
David
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If things happen when you are asleep or too drunk to know any better then you should talk to him about it. It's better to be upfront and honest then anything else. I can tell you from experience that that is the case in these sorts of situations. I always seem to find myself in similar situations.
Good Luck
It's always the old to lead us to the war
It's always the young to fall
Now look at all we've won with the sabre and the gun
Tell me is it worth it all
~Phil Ochs "I Aint Marching Anymore"
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Gee Brian I hope this friend is respecting you. I don't want to assume anything here but it sounds like he may be putting some moves on you when you are sleeping or drunk and that is not good.
I have been the older guy in a relationship where I would assume that if the other guy said nothing, it was tacit approval to do things.
You have to say something to this guy about what bothers you. If he is shallow enough that he leaves after you give him boundaries, then you have lost very little.
Ken
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I think you have to set ground rules. This ought to go well, but may not.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Brian you are in charge if things dont feel right then go with your emotions,
because you have flaged up a possible problem means you do not feel happy with the situation,?
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Sometimes one's target is too out of reach to be realistic.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Basicly what your friend is doing is rape. To take advantage of someone while drunk or asleep or drugged, without concent is rape. You can look at it anyway you want to and it come back to rape. He is not your friend if he is doing that and the faster you dump him the better. course what do I know. Im sure everybody in here is going to jump on me and tell me im wrong, but its the way I see it and I would be furious if it happened to me. It comes down to what part of NO dosnt he understand
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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If the situation is abusive you should extracate yourself from it.
To stay is to accept what he does.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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It's not something I want to happen. I know he wants more with me,
but I've told him before that it's not going to happen. It's hard to
explain how things keep getting out of hand. When he contacted me
back in September through email he said he just wanted to know there
was others like him in our small town. From there we went to dinner
once a week. About November he started coming out to his family and
friends (all who have been pretty cool about it). December I talked
to one of his friends and found out that he wanted more even though I
told him we would only ever be friends. His friend told me that I need
to make it clear to him again, which I did. Things have been okay till
about a month ago when I found out things were happening while I was
asleep.
It's all so hard, I know he relies on me to get him out and comfortable
with being himself, but he's helped me to be more outgoing (I've done
things I never knew I could do(asked a bartender if the manager was gay
or not)). I really don't know what will happen when I do find someone.
I think he's afraid I won't want to spend any time with him anymore, and
I'm afraid of what will happen to him when I won't spend all the time I am
now with him.
It's really complicated
Brian
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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At last, a bit of light.......
What you need to do is get him interested in someone other than you.....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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Your last post makes the situation much clearer, but despite the benefit you feel that you have derived from the relationship, the fact is that your 'friend' has effectively raped you, and that's no foundation for a continuing friendship.
Marc's suggestion is on the ball - provided that you have access to a larger pool of gays - but, whatever happens, you need to hammer home your rules, and if your 'friend' doesn't accept them, you really must end the friendship.
You might not realise it, but your situation is far from uncommon and the consequences of doing nothing can prove to be very, very nasty.
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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Amen to what all the others are telling you Brian. You seem like a nice guy who wants to help this guy, but be wary of what can go wrong with things. You must be comfortable sleeping without worry that he will do something to you in your sleep! It is not right for him to continue ANYTHING without your exact permission which you have made clear to him already is negative.
You must stop thinking of him as a friend if he gives you any idea it will continue above your objections. Listen to the guys here, Brian, as they are giving you some good advice.
Ken
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I would think a simple solution to this problem is to not sleep or get drunk with this guy.
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... but if you can't trust him, what's the point in having him as a friend?
If, indeed, lack of trust does not exclude him from the definition of friend.
David
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