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Will
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Getting started |
Registered: September 2006
Messages: 8
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Hi,
I like your site very much. I have read most of the stories and poetry. It's tight to be able to read about guys like me. Thanks so much .
I read Quondam Manitou's tribute to a friend,"Words Can't Express"
It's a lot like what happened to me. I wrote Quondam an email but it was returned "undeliverabe" Below is what I wrote. Thought you might be able to pass it on to him.
Will
Hi Quondam,
I read your tribute,"Words Can't Express" today. It was so close to what happened to me at the end of school in June. Schools starts tomorrow. I'm not sure how I will feel walking those halls again. This has been a summer of accepting myself. It has been a hard battle, and far from won. Sometimes I feel good but most of the time I'm depressed.
I wrote this poem about the boy I love. I would like to share it with you and maybe you can share it with your friend who loved Olly.
Silent Love
There is a boy I like a lot
Every moring I wait by our lockers
Just to catch a glimpse of you
On my heart your face is etched
I ache to tell you of my love
Your response I cannot chance
I cannot tell my dreams for us
More than once I thought to tell
Only on paper I can speak
When I see you I always smile
If you see me you smile back
And all that day I float on air
I love your eyes green like jade
On some days your eyes were sad
School this year is nearly done
My heart is flip flopping
I have to do something
Your four years are done here
I made up my mind
It would be today I talk to you
Please hurry before I lose my courage
I find a letter in my locker
There I wait for you to show
Who is it from I do not know
I waited till the second bell
But you never did show
I got to homeroom just on time
Thinking of you still lying in bed
I wasn't listening to the PA today
Till I heard your beautiful name
I heard a gasp go through the class
Did you do something really tight
Why are all the girls crying
I heard the words,you are dead
It can't be true,I'm still asleep
From a nightmare I dare not wake
My head is spinning,I cannot see
I cannot breathe,it cannot be
A friend of mine is shaking me
He is asking "are you okay"
All I can do is shake my head
I cannot stand,I lean on him
He pulls me out into the hall
When all is well were grown up
When we hurt we're kids again
My friend and I are pulled apart
The mass of others carry me along
My tears are falling,where do I go
I see a bench,reach it I must
They are here,his closest friends
They are in shock as much as I
His best friend is falling apart
In his hand he has a paper
I look down,see in my hand
The letter from my locker
Crumbled in my hand
I look at his friend and the letter
I look at mine,it's the same color
With trembling hands I tear it open
I look at the bottom I see his name
From the top I read his words
"I'm not sure if you know who I am
when I dare to look at you
I always saw you were smiling
I hung around our lockers
Waiting to catch a glimpse of you
Trying to get the nerve to speak
Twice I did follow you home
Too far back for you to know
I wanted so bad to run to you
Your response I could not chance
If only I knew you are like me
No one will hold me if they find what I am
I am so lonely it hurts like hell
If only one guy who is like me
Would reach out and talk
I'm so scared I don't dare
I'm so sorry what I write
I have to tell you
How much I Love You
Please don't hate me
Cause I'm queer
I rather be dead then live like this"
I cannot believe he loved me
Now the truth is sinking in
The boy I adored was in love with me
Had I told him I Love You
He would be alive and in my arms
I feel it from deep inside
My chest is tight
My throat is dry
What erupts is a primal scream
Through my tears shouting our pain
His name was Mike. The words in the poem aren't exactly but are close to the letter he wrote me.
How can I put this behind me? You are the first person I have told this. I know you will understand and I need to tell someone.
Thank you for telling about your friend, it helps to know I'm not alone.
Will
Timmy from IOMFATS wrote back and suggested I post this here. This summer I have read a lot of online stories about guys like me. Some have happy endings and I hope I will have one too, but I don't think I will. Right now I am so confused and I can't stop thinking I lost the one chance to love and be loved when Mike died. If only I had the couage to talk to him. School started today, it was bad. I can't tell anyone about Mike cause no one knows I'm gay. I know for sure my family will throw me out and I don't have any close friends anymore cause I"m scared to get close to anyone for fear they might figure out my secret. Guess that's why I never spoke to Mike and maybe why he didn't speak to me. The line, "your response I cannot chance" says so much. I feel like I'm a coward for hiding who I am but I don't think I'm strong enough to fight everyone who will hate me if I come out. I feel so lost, so detached from everyone and every part of life.
I don't know what else to write. Just needed someone to know
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13752
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Hello, Will. I'm really pleased you came. My heart goes out to you and to Mike. There are no proper words that can express what I want to say to you. All I can suggest is that you spend some time with us here and begin to learn how to heal.
If it helps, and I think it will, though you will cry hot tears, perhaps you should tell us more about Mike. Please make sure you do not identify yourself or him in any real way here if you feel your family would find news of your sexuality hard to cope with.
You will find a great number of different people here. All have something to say to you, but you need take no-one's advice. All I ask is that you listen and understand advice and accept or reject it with a good heart.
Over time perhaps you will tell us something about you, too.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Will, be brave and for God's sake stay alive. You are not alone.
One big hug
Nigel
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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Will, Pain and loneliness are two of the things about being gay that is the creation of fear and self lothing. Timmy is right, come here and sit with us a while, talk and listen and know that you are not alone. there are many here who will become friends and will hold you in their arms to help hold the lonliness at bay, till you can be out on your own. I know this from first hand experience. Twice I was close to becoming one of the teen death statistics. I found IOMFATS right after Christmas last year and I have been here since. These guys showed me that no mater where I go, I will never be alone. I know Im begining to sound like a broken record but Timmy has done an amazing thing by starting this forum. I wake up everyday knowing I have my good friends here and even an adopted family. IM bidding my time till I get out of school and Im on my own and then the whole world can kiss my grits. I refuse to let these holier than thow, homophobic butt heads ruin my life. I wish your friend Mike could have come here and talked to us. I hope you will hange around and get to know us so you wont go down the same road as Your Mike and myself.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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Will, my heart is with you.
Stay with us, talk to us.
Here you will find what it says: a Place of Safety.
A place to be you, to ask, to seek and to heal.
Never be afraid.
Spunky
[Updated on: Tue, 14 November 2006 10:12] |
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Will,
I was very sad to read your poem and I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I do hope you'll be able to join in and get to know some of the people round here. They are possibly the most sympathetic and intelligent people I have ever met (collectively, even though, of course, the only thing uniting them is this board).
There is a good chance that Quondam Manitou will read your message: there are a number of irregular posters/contributors who visit this board from time to time.
Best wishes,
David
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Will
I'm sorry to here about Mike. I don't know haw long you have been reading the post on this bord. I had a friend, Billy who took his life on 8/28/01. But I'm not going to try to say I know how you feel. But timmy right. I hope you stay here and sit with all of us. I have only been here for a little under a month and have gotten a lot of help and differnt point of views, to my problems. hope they can help you too.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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Dear Will,
No words can describe your endless pain and sorrow and loneliness. But you're not alone. You've got friends here and we are with you in our thoughts.
Hugs!
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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You lost your friend and there is nothing on this great green earth that will ever make you forget..... and you don't want to forget..... remembering Mike is a part of your life now.....
Will you ever be able to move forward..... Of course you will..... There are wonders in the world just waiting for you to arrive and savor in all they have to offer.....
Right now, you have school and all your friends you had before you will have still..... You can keep your secret, there is nothing wrong in that..... No one should come out of the closet until they are feeling safe and ready to do it.....
Your family can wait for the news just fine.....
If you need to talk about anything that is bothering you or something wonderful that has happened or how your day went at school today or whatever..... This is the place to do it.....
Don't give out any personal details about yourself (just basic good advice).....
Well, dinner time and I'm starving.....
cya
Marc
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Will
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Getting started |
Registered: September 2006
Messages: 8
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Thank you everyone for caring enough to give me advice. I am going to try to talk to my friends. Not about being gay, just try to be friends again.
I know what I'm doing is making everything worse. Being alone all the time
just gives more time to dwell on negative feelings.
Mike and I weren't friends, we never spoke beyond hi, and lots of smiles.
Looking back, well hindsight is 20 20 vision. I read that this summer.
I have gone over and over what I could have done and that drives me crazy.
Dam, now I'm crying again. I had to run to the bathroom 4 or 5 times yesterday and today so no one will see me cry.
Nigel, thanks. I do sometimes think about, well you know. But it's not what I want. I just want the pain and loneliness to go away.
This is another poem I wrote during the summer. I know they're not very good but they do help to express my feelings.
If you will listen I will try
to help you to understand
how deep the pain
and self-hatred descends
Society sets a rigid path
if you stray an outcast you pay
dare to be different causes fear in you
add your ignorance it turns to anger
Without a thought you begin your assault
from within you destroy our soul
you won't let up you never will
Tears of torment ferments in me
deep self-loathing and depression
even now I crave acceptance
Please believe me when I say
it isn't my choice to be different from you
you have no idea how much it hurts
the massive weight of your hate
Your ignorance spews more deadly than poision
you won't even try to understand
it's not my fault who I am
Our numbers are few compared to you
we're not a threat to your way of life
all we ask is to be left in peace
to be free to live our natural life
it's not really much what we seek
I read a story or letter titled,"His Name was Kyle"
If you like I will post it.
Thanks again for caring,
Will
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13752
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You are going to cry. No-one will pretend that you are not. When your friends ask why, if they ask, you can say simply that you are grieving for a boy you hardly knew who should not have died, and that his death somehow has had a strong effect on you.
Those people who say "time is a great healer" annoy the heck out of me. Time doesn't heal, not really. Marc is absolutely right, that you will remmeber him always. He knows from personal and different experience. What he knows as well, as I am sure he will tell you, is that the passing of time allows you to bear the hurt more easily. And I think he will also tell you that what "is", today, will always be much better than "what might have been", however well we imagine an alternate future.
Friends will help. Not actively, not exactly, but being with friends will help. Even those close to Mike will behave in public as though he just hadn't existed. It's ok, it's their defence mechanism against pain. In private their reactions will be different. We grieve in different ways, all of us. But be with them, even if they seem callous and uncaring. Some of them are, most are not.
When I was hurting, though for much smaller reasons, I found poems were the only way to express myself. Never, ever, comment on their being "not very good", but simply put you into them.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Will, we do care. dont let the lonliness and pain get to you, the pain of an attempted suicide is far greater. The scares on my wrist will never go away and when I tan they stand out like a beacon. Talk to your friends. Your sexuality is not their business and shouldnt be a reason to be or not be friends. As far as crying goes, they dont have any idea how close you were with Mike, and its ok to grieve for someone you lost. When you told us about Mike, I cried for him too, because I wish someone could have gotten to him befor it was to late. When we do something stupid, we dont think about how it affects others and the pain it can cause. You can honor him by remembering him. Stay with us and let us know how things are going and when you feel down, there is always someone here to talk to and most of us have email addresses and your always welcome to write.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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Will,
Welcome, We are all here for you. If you get bored read my profile it may bring you a smile or two.
Gary
Navyone
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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It's been a long time since I used the online nick "Quondam Manitou" but I am still here, as a lurker and sometimes poster. (I should get you to change my contact details on the story, too, Timmy)
It was 2002 when I first met Jake and wrote that story. 4 years later, so much has changed, Jake and I have gone our seperate ways, but we are still best friends. Jake is currently serving in the Australian Army (based in Canberra) and I'm studying at University in Melbourne. He was in a long-term relationship from late 2003 right through until the start of 2005, though that didn't work out, largely due to work commitments.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, you need to acknowledge the pain, give your pain the respect it deserves, cry countless nights so that you can finally move on. Jake's never forgotten "Olly" or Nick, as he was really called, the pain is still very real, but, he's alive again, when for a long time he felt hollow.
I would give you Jake's email, but he's currently been deployed and I haven't been able to contact him but when I next hear from him I'll forward your thoughts.
Even though I've never lost someone in the way you or Jake has, I've been through some experiences that have given me a taste of unfulfilled love. What you and Mike could have had would have been awesome, there's no doubt about that, but it wouldn't have been perfect. Much like no relationship is ever perfect. It's hard to convince your heart of that, though. You need to surround yourself with friends and do what you can to cope until you find a shoulder you really can cry on.
Jake and I, even though we were never in a serious relationship were a couple, for the public as much as for any other reason. We were out, we put ourselves out for the whole school to see. We didn't want anyone else to feel alone. We were lucky in that it was "safe" for us to do so. You are not alone, though. You will find love. It's not over.
Oh, and about your poems, they are beautiful poems, totally unrefined and straight from the heart. I used to think "Words Can't Express" was pretty awful compared to other people's writings, but then I realised, it was straight from my heart, so even if it wasn't as technically correct as other stories, it was every bit as good. Your poems are wonderful, so don't tell yourself otherwise.
Be strong, be safe.
With love, from a guy that doesn't even really know you,
- Saben (Shem)
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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Sorry meant to ask earlier but how are you doing at school. Since school just started for you.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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Hey Will, what you are going thru is just one of the reasons I never was able to take that step to end my life. I just could never make someone who I might not realize was depending on me from having to feel the same way you do right now. Some would say it is selfish in some way to commit suicide and maybe they are right, but most of the time, guys are feeling so lost that they dont think of what it will do to others.
I am glad in a lot of ways that I remained behind when I had thought there was no other way for me to go except to die. I have had someone tell me that they are grateful that I didnt do that when I was a young man and I have to take their word for it.
I feel really sad for you and wish there was some way to make it all go away, but it just is not the way life goes sometimes. That is why a place like this is so important. If only one person is helped by hearing from others, it will all be worth it. God bless and *hugs*
Ken
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Will
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Getting started |
Registered: September 2006
Messages: 8
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Thank you Shem for your reply,
It must have been much more intense for Jake cause they were close friends. I never got the chance to really know Mike. It's knowing that he suffered so much that hurts. At first it was guilt for not reaching out to him. Then anger at the world for treating us so bad for something we have no choice and for all the Mikes out there who suffer for the ignorance of others.
I read a book this summer about another guy who died, it's called
"Prayers for Bobby" by Leroy Aaron. Bobby killed himself in 1984. Over 20 yrs. later gay teenagers are still killing themselves 3 times more than straight teens. I been asking myself are things any better now? No, I don't think so. A guy got beat up at school this week cause someone said he is gay. I don't know if he is, no one seems to know if he is or if it was a rumor. But that was enough for him to be hurt so bad he hasn't been back and why I said the hell with it. I've had enough, I didn't go to school today and right now I never want to go back. I hate it there and I hate not only the ones who beat him up but the stupid people I hear say he deserved it. They don't even know if he is gay but they say he deserved it, I hate them. But I know I will be forced to go back till I can't stand it anymore and runaway. I know what will happen to me in any big city I go to. The horrible life on the streets. Is it any worse than living like I am now? At least I will meet other people like me who understand how I feel.
I did everything I was suppose to. I got good grades, never got into serious trouble, didn't get a girl pregnant,(fat chance huh)even did my chores without too much complaining. Now I constantly fight with my parents and brother, don't even pretend to do school work. Why do what everyone else wants, so I can get beat up, thrown out, told I'm evil for something I don't want to be.
I have said everything I feel. After reading it I want to delete it. I sound like a cry baby complaing no likes me, no one understands me. But shit that is exactly how I feel and I just don't know what to do change it. I don't want to be this pathetic feel sorry for me person. I think about what Mike did and I know I don't want to die. I don't think anyone does. How long did Mike fight to stay alive? What made him give up? I want to talk to someone in his family but I don't know how to approach them. What do I say, I didn't know Mike but I loved him and it's tearing me up inside what he did and I need to know why he gave up.
Thank you everyone and especially Shem for writing about Jake & Nick and Tim for having this site.
Another peom I wrote,
"I Don't Want To Be Different"
To be like others is all I desire
The feelings I have scare me to death
Why aren't I the same as my friends
Boasting about girls
And bragging what they do
I mumble a few words and look away
I don't understand why this happened to me
Every morning as I wake
I have a minute when I feel okay
Then the fear comes crashing down
When I remember what I am
It stays with me every minute of the day
A burning flame in the back of my head
Forcing myself out of bed
It's a struggle everyday
Going to school ties me in knots
Always on guard my words won't betray me
Or my glances don't linger long on anyone
I'm so lonely and there's no one I can talk to
My smile is armour guarding my secret
Pretending to be other than me
I'm hurting more than I can stand
There are some things in this poem that aren't me anymore, I don't have any friends, I don't talk to anyone so I don't have to worry my word will betray me and I don't smile anymore.I hate myself for sounding so pathetic.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13752
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Will, I rebelled too. I chose to do the only thing I could control. I chose to fail my academic work. I could control that, and prove I could control it by failing.
I did that when I was 19.
There is not a time since I was 21 that I have not regretted it. I controlled it, but I controlled it wrong. But the outcome is that I have spent all my adult life struggling to make ends meet, and have done it without, for th emost part, self respect.
I knew I had chosen to fail. I was where I intended to be. No degree, though I studied for one - that is a hard thing to explain to any employer. So I didn't get the good jobs, and am unlikely ever to be able to retire. IN so many ways I am still rebelling and trying to control things, you see.
So let'd hodl; this differently:
Instead of failing school and not attending, even if they are a posse of luynch crazy idiots, get back there and achieve everything you are capable of. Be a controller of your own life by succeeding. Control havikng friends, too. Decide to be their friends. You know, I really don't have any real life freinds form my schooldays? One only. Even the guy who was best man at my wedding and my son's godfather has quietly drifted off. We haven't seen him for over 10 years, not even a card for his godson on his birthday.
So be a friend to others.
As for parents, well we never chose them. We're a mixture of egg and sperm and we just arrived after they did a bit of body fluid exchange. They sort of chose us, but they don't understand us. So, take control here, too.
Stop all of your side of the arguments and amuse yourself by seeing how ling it takes them to stop their side. Beat them at their own game by being better than their exxpectations EVEN if it's an act.
See, you're too strong to let anyone grind you down.
How do I know?
Simple. You wrote to me and asked me to do something for you. I'm proud of you for doing that. Now you are part of our family. Ask anyone here. Family, one that wants you. Not a family that you turned up in, but one you also chose.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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timmy wrote:
> Will, I rebelled too. I chose to do the only thing I could control. I chose to fail my academic work. I could control that, and prove I could control it by failing.
>
> I did that when I was 19.
>
> There is not a time since I was 21 that I have not regretted it. I controlled it, but I controlled it wrong. But the outcome is that I have spent all my adult life struggling to make ends meet, and have done it without, for th emost part, self respect.
>
> I knew I had chosen to fail. I was where I intended to be. No degree, though I studied for one - that is a hard thing to explain to any employer. So I didn't get the good jobs, and am unlikely ever to be able to retire. IN so many ways I am still rebelling and trying to control things, you see.
>
> So let'd hodl; this differently:
>
> Instead of failing school and not attending, even if they are a posse of luynch crazy idiots, get back there and achieve everything you are capable of. Be a controller of your own life by succeeding. Control havikng friends, too. Decide to be their friends. You know, I really don't have any real life freinds form my schooldays? One only. Even the guy who was best man at my wedding and my son's godfather has quietly drifted off. We haven't seen him for over 10 years, not even a card for his godson on his birthday.
Tim is right here, when I was in high school I was the queer kid in class and I had a court order to go to school far away to prove it..... I was sent to a private school and EVERYONE knew I was gay..... No roommates like all the others, had to eat alone at a small table in the far corner of the refectory.... ALOT OF BULLSHIT from teachers let alone the other students.... Many of the local businesses also got into the act and made just about any free time a trip through hell as well....
As I threw myself into my studies.... The good marks got me into a very good school and I have had a relatively good carreer as a result....
Don't fall into the trap of letting others dictate your future.....
>
> So be a friend to others.
>
> As for parents, well we never chose them. We're a mixture of egg and sperm and we just arrived after they did a bit of body fluid exchange. They sort of chose us, but they don't understand us. So, take control here, too.
Now that just even sounds GROSS.......
>
> Stop all of your side of the arguments and amuse yourself by seeing how ling it takes them to stop their side. Beat them at their own game by being better than their exxpectations EVEN if it's an act.
>
> See, you're too strong to let anyone grind you down.
>
> How do I know?
>
> Simple. You wrote to me and asked me to do something for you. I'm proud of you for doing that. Now you are part of our family. Ask anyone here. Family, one that wants you. Not a family that you turned up in, but one you also chose.
Yup.... Tim is right here too.... There is not a single person here that I don't hold in high esteem.... Some I even love as family....
Marc
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Hey Will ~
All your poems are so warm and full of your feelings. Writing is one of the very best ways to let all your frustration/pain/fears out. Keep writing them and one day soon you'll find that you're concentrating more on the words and the sounds than on the intense feelings and the words have turned happy without you're even realizing it. I know...I've been there.
Believe me, no matter what you're feeling, there are many others having the same thoughts and worries as you. You're gay and feel like no one else in the entire world knows what you're going through, but if you hang around here on timmy's message board, you'll begin to see how similar our lives really are. We're all on the same train, just at different places on the track.
You're a kind, generous, caring guy who happens to be gay. It's not the basis of who you are; it's just another part of you that makes you unique...makes you Will. Each of us is special and don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise.
All the negative thoughts you're having are because you're feeling alone. Make this a place you check with to see what's up with everyone else. Soon you'll see that being gay is like being shy or being right handed or anything else that makes people feel different. There's nothing bad about it and one day, you'll see that's true.
That one day....the day when you look at yourself in the mirror and smile...that day when you understand that you're brave for not hurting yourself, for not running away, for not telling anyone what you don't want them to know....that day, you'll realize that you've begun to have wisdom.
Remember Mike with a lighter heart...don't dwell on why he did what he did. Just know that you can do this. You can keep getting good grades, get old friends back and make new ones. You can't change what's happened, but you can control what happens now. Do it for you, do it for Mike, do it for the gay kids in your school you don't even know.
Good luck and excuse the long ramble ~ I talk too much!!
Jamie
"You have your way. I have my way. As far as the right way, the correct way, and the only way - it doesn't exist."
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Again, I'm glad that you came to this place. You've got friends here.
As for what to do - I agree fully with Timmy.
I know it takes a lot of crying. It's a necessary part of the healing process. I had a "Mike", too. We were so close that even though none of us told each other or anyone else about being gay we knew each other's big secret. But we were both scared, wanting to be "normal", like everyone else. I mourn him every day and still have a feeling of letting him down. He was 20 when he hanged himself.
Your poem "I Don't Want To Be Different" says it all - about being gay, different and scared. I'm a teacher at a junior high school, and I'd like to read your poem to my students if I find the right occasion. I may have to translate it into our language, though. Would you let me do that?
Take care!
Hugs!
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Hey Will,
I know kind of how you feel. I hated myself and hated what I was for as long as could remember. I went as far as to get a girlfriend to prove to my self and others that I was not gay. That did not last long. I think it was a week before she broke up with me, She said it seemed I had no interest in her and she was right. As for the friends I have not seen a single friend that was in my group in over a year. I talk to them now and then on aim but not that much and only just to say hi. The only friend I real have that I still see is john. But even then I try not to get close to people or let them get close to me, because what if they find out what I am.
I live in a town out side of Dallas. And let’s say people like me are not that welcome. Every one is closed minded and "god like" people yea right. Most my family falls in to that as well.
But it was not until I found this place and read some of the story. That I stared to accept who I am and that I am not different. I am the same as every one else I can love some one else just as they can the only real difference is like boys. For me to say I was different because I like guys. That would mean every one else are different as well. If you count being gay, then you have to count the people that don't like football (American) verses the people who do. Same with soccer, baseball, and any other thing that some people like and others don't like.
All I did in high school was pretend to be some one I am not.
Just keep in mind you made it this far with out saying a word about being gay.
Just think be for you say some thing.
And you will make it throw it all.
And you do have friends, all of us are your friends now. Never forget that.
If you need to talk to some one closer to your age feel free to e-mail me any time. Don’t know who much I can help but I find it all ways helps just to talk.
Jason S.
So say what you want
(You know I'm wasting all my time)
You've gotta mean it when you say what you want
(You're only safe when you're alone)
And everybody's on your mind
Saying anything to get you by
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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You must be from a pretty scary place to be gay, Will. I always had to look over my back in High School, but the most that ever happened is I got called a "fag" or "queer". I guess part of it came from dating Jake. When he was about 15 he was Australian Judo Champion for his age and weight class. And he looks like he belongs in the military. I'm attaching a picture of him so you can get an idea. He smiles about as much as he is in this photo most of the time, too. He's a grumpy old bastard, but I guess that's appealing to some people  I give him hell, but he's got a heart of gold, a heart that has been hurt a lot in it's time, too.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was pretty lucky. I mean, religion was a pain in the ass for me, I grew up a mormon. My mum, was pretty good about the whole thing, for a mormon. Even I thought about killing myself. I got close a number of times. But I never had to fear for my life and physical safety, at least not much. I was always wary and never let myself be in a quiet area that school guys might frequent alone. But I even got away with making out in public with Jake and no-one laid a finger on me. You definitely wouldn't have that luxury if people are being beaten up over rumours.
You will find love, though, you will find other gay guys that you can befriend and quite often it'll happen when you least expect it. My first crush didn't talk to me, or even look me in the eyes for 2 years after he first found out, and he used to be a really good friend. My first love, I met randomly, through church.
Then Jake, it's hard to describe my relationship with him, it wasn't passion, it wasn't lustful, but it was about learning about ourselves and each other and learning trust and to rely on each other. I was never even really attracted to him physically, but he and I used to only be in each others physics classes until we found out each other were gay and it was just at the right time. I doubt I'll be closer to many people in my life than I was to Jake and even now, after having been in a relationship with my current boyfriend Ryan for about 18 months there are some levels on which Jake and I could connect that Ryan and I can't.
There is hope, though. Do your best to fit in, as best as you can. It will find you, if you go looking for it you'll likely find trouble in the process. Be safe for now, and eventually you will find the support and love you need.
-
Attachment: jake.jpg
(Size: 18.01KB, Downloaded 298 times)
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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Will
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Getting started |
Registered: September 2006
Messages: 8
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It means a lot to me so many of you guys have taken the time to help me.
Jamie, I can't believe The Grasshopper has written to me. I read all the JHS stories, they were awesome. When I read gay stories I can forget everything else for a while. I know most what I read are labeled fiction. I think too, lots come from personal experience and that makes me feel hopeful. Saben, supposedly I'm from a very liberal place, the San Francisco Bay Area. I live in the burbs about 20 miles from S.F., it might as well be 2.000 and somewhere in the middle of Texas for all the homophobic BS that is here. School has a strong anti bullying policy but they can't watch everyone all the time and most guys won't tell cause it will only make the next beating worse. I know what you guys say about the importantance of education is true. I feel calmer today and I will try to avoid fighting with my parents. I'm even going to do my chores without being asked. I will come back often to get advice, it does help. I didn't think anything woud help,but something about knowing you guys are here and willing to listen and respond gives me strength to take steps even if they are small steps right now towards getting my life together.
Thanks, that word says so much more than I could write.
Will
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13752
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You won't just, I hope, be taking advice. You'll be joining in, and also starting to help others 
You know that "Wow, I'm not alone after all" feeling? That's what I'm talking about.
No need to answer, but do you mind letting us know broadly what age you are? It makes no difference to us at all, it's just useful to know how much more school you have and stuff.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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All I can say Will is that at least you live in a promising area! You might be a fair way from the city, but at least you have access to one of the most gay friendly cities in world! It's on your doorstep. Now maybe you're not ready to venture into that world yet, and maybe it'll never be "your world", but it's an option and that is something to be very optimistic about. If you ever feel alone, or like you have to escape you have a world of potential help 20 miles away. That's not to say you should just run away, but you don't need to feel totally trapped either, get what I'm saying?
The less at war you are with your parents, the better, though, not just for now, but for the future, too. There's nothing like a good relationship with your parents. And that's something you've gotta work at. You need to do the best you can, for them and, more importantly, for yourself. One day, you might want to come out to them, and when that day comes the better your relationship with them the better.
You've got plenty of options, though the best one, in my opnion, is to not stir the pot. Depends on your age partially, too, though. How much independence do you have and how much could you have. At 14-15 you are still pretty much in your parents' back pocket, by 16-17 you have more freedom, by 18 you COULD survive solo if you had to and by 21 you are usually fully emancipated. I'm guessing you're somewhere between 14 and 17, but correct me if I'm wrong
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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