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I don’t know why I’m making this post. It really will mean nothing to anyone but me; I guess I just need to let some emotions spill out.
I lost my eldest brother today, the forth family member in ten years. There’s only my younger sister and I now. The impact of all this is just almost too much to bear. Everyone was alive ten years ago when I found out I had HIV. Why am I still here and they are all gone. My two bothers had their wives and children, my parents had each other and their grandchildren.
It just doesn’t make sense. I would have gladly given my life for theirs. I have no one, I only come in contact with deferent people for brief moments it seems any more with little or no impact of any real substance that I can see.
The greens of new life in spring next year will be muted. I really don’t know how to explain this, but I know beyond the pain and felling of loss the road goes on and they walk with me in my heart and mind even somehow more deeply, somehow this transcendence has made the bond deeper than it ever has been. Still I can’t get over this feeling, it should have been me not them.
We can’t undo the things we do in this life that separate us, none of us is perfect. It seems to me sad though that we find it so hard to forgive the things real or imagined that drive these wedges between us and the ones we love. A word to the wise. If there is anyway to heal those rifts, do so while the time is ripe, time will only make it harder and there comes a time when there will be no time left. It’s been two years at my fathers funeral since I beheld my brother and heard his voice. I hadn’t seen or talked to my father for three years. I never had the chance to say the thing I could have. I love you
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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There is an old saying "Grief shared is grief lessened". Im sorry for the loss of your brother, but there is a reason you are still with us. None of us may see that reason right now, but its there.
I believe in Karma....what you give is what you get returned........
Affirmation........Savage Garden
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cossie
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On fire! |
Location: Exiled in North East Engl...
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 1699
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Wise words in your final paragraph, Arich.
Brian's absolutely right, sharing grief helps to ease the pain and I hope that your post had that effect for you.
Brian's also right about the folly of self-blame. Those who are religious (and, as most of you know, I'm not) may look for a god-given purpose in life but, with or without such purpose, it is certainly true that no individual can understand the importance of the footprint he leaves upon the lives of others. We all interact, and every single interaction leaves such a footprint in somone else's life. The problem is that we are often too introverted to see the contribution we are making. Put another way, no-one is in a position to say that their individual contribution is unimportant - and anyone capable of regretting that they have not made a greater contribution has almost certainly contributed much more that they imagine.
For a' that an' a' that,
It's comin' yet for a' that,
That man tae man, the worrld o'er
Shall brithers be, for a' that.
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Aussie
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Really getting into it |
Registered: August 2006
Messages: 475
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Arich sorry to hear your sad news and I offer you my sympathy. It is always a tough time when one loses a family member but I am sure you are a person who can believe that they still walk beside you every day and at any time are only a thought away.
Unfortunately WE don't decide who goes before us. If only we knew the reason for being here and what the grand plan is it would make it easier to understand these things.
Please remember that as long as you keep visiting here you are not alone.
May you find the strength to get through the next few days and we will be thinking of you.
Aussie
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Kevin and I are sorry for your loss.....
I offer you my warmest hug and the knowledge that you are never alone.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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Part of grieving is "if only...."
The issue with it is that they, too, were they still alive, could be saying it. Though harsh to hear, you need to know that distance takes two. My wife is currently perosna non grata with her sister. Should this continue until one of them dies the other will regret the whole thing.
But it does not matter. What matters is how we, as those still living, hold our memories of those who are dead. Not as grief for what we might have done, but as joy for their lives, even the most difficult parts of them.
We do not need to mend relationships if the mending is not there. We simply need to make ot posisble for thise relationships to mend in their own time.
Grieve, yes. But the green of spring will be as green as ever, not for their dying, but for their living and what it brought while they were alive.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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arich,
I don't think life makes sense for anyone -- if you believe in God, then God works in mysterious ways, and if you don't, well -- it's amazing that we're here in the first place. Everything comes to an end sooner or later, and that you're still alive when your brother has died is one of those quirks of fate, nothing that you can blame yourself for.
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. It is terrible to lose a close family member, especially one of the same generation.
There have been all sorts of feuds in my family (especially on the Irish side). They are related to incidents fifty years ago and don't really affect younger generations; but I think the younger generations are working on resolving them as far as they can.
David
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I'm sorry about the loss of your brother.
I doesn't mean the same to us as it does do you, but by sharing your grief with us you give us the opportunity to tell you that we are glad that you are here with us.
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I want to give you all my heart felt thanks for your thoughts and support. Yesterday was a very rough ride for me, this time it was so unexpected, where as all the other times we had a good deal of warning.
I have to say also we didn’t hate each other, by a long shot, just too much of life that separated us. We actually had a kind of bond that some people call ESP, we discussed it many times over the years and it seemed it was only he and I within the family that shared this. Even before I found out about his passing I felt something wrong. It’s all very difficult to explain, yes he and I both believed in things beyond this plain of existents. Elements of western and near east philosophies, of course, semantics I suppose but so much more. I don’t want to get into all that right now, but I can say I feel a sense of connection through my seventh chakra now, again, hard to explain unless you’ve been into kundalini yoga, but then, there would be no need for explanation if you’d been into those things. Nevertheless the connection now has changed profoundly. With more purity is the wrong word, just more clarity somehow. They are all there, wherever there is. Still the process of separation from this plain to the next is difficult.
Yes, much of what I feel and felt is regret. The crying is done now I think, and I’ll keep on being, if in that I bring something to the world whether I know it or not, is enough
Thank you all again
Peace.
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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One thing that you bring, that each of us brings, is the ability to make others think. And, if we think, we may make others think also. And by so doing we may alter things that might otherwise have happened differently. and that is without our acting.
If we act then we cause things to happen, which, in turn, make others think.
Some of the thinkers may also act.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Whitop
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Toe is in the water |
Location: USA
Registered: June 2005
Messages: 73
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Dear Richard,
Thank you so much for your post of the 18th. It brought out such warm and wonderful responses from so many of the regulars on this marvelous Board that I think this thread should be permanently posted somewhere as a testimonial to the comfort and understanding to be found here.
Thanks to you all, and best wishes for the holidays and a warm, loving year, and years, to come. -Mac
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