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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > Your favorite joke!
icon12.gif Your favorite joke!  [message #41972] Fri, 20 April 2007 21:17 Go to next message
CallMePaul is currently offline  CallMePaul

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Thought it might be fun if everyone posted a favorite joke. Here's mine:

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny giggled.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he tittered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"



Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
Re: Your favorite joke!  [message #41977 is a reply to message #41972] Fri, 20 April 2007 23:04 Go to previous messageGo to next message
marc is currently offline  marc

Needs to get a life!

Registered: March 2003
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My favorite joke is a magic trick and it has to be done in person.....



Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
Re: Your favorite joke!  [message #41981 is a reply to message #41977] Sat, 21 April 2007 06:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Jedediah is currently offline  Jedediah

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A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"
The barman says, "No, we haven't got any bread."
The duck says, "Got any bread?"
The barman says, "No, we don't have bread here - this is a bar."
The duck says, "Got any bread?"
The barman says, "NO!"
The duck says, "Got any bread?"
The barman says, "Listen here, you bloody buggery duck, we haven't got any bread and if you ask me that one more time, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!"
The duck says, "Got any nails?"
The barman says, "NO!"
The duck says, "Got any bread?"

cheers



E Te Atua tukuna mai ki au te Mauri tauki te tango i nga mea
This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #41994 is a reply to message #41972] Sun, 22 April 2007 08:35 Go to previous messageGo to next message
JFR is currently offline  JFR

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And it's a true story.

The great British conductor, Sir Thomas Beecham (his family made millions selling pills) one day walked into the foyer of the Palace Hotel in Manchester, England. Standing in the middle of the foyer was a very impressive looking woman, and Beecham knew instinctively that he had to know this woman, but for the life of him he couldn't place her face or give it a name.

The gracious woman turned to him the moment she saw him. "Good evening, Sir Thomas. How are you?"

"I am very well, Madam, thank you. How are you?"

"I am very well, Sir Thomas."

When he was at a complete loss he suddenly had a brainstorm: her brother! It was something to do with her brother!

"And how is your brother, ma'am?"

"Thank you, Sir Thomas, he is very well."

Still groping in the dark, Beecham then asked, "Tell me, Ma'am, is he still in the same line of business as he was before?"

"Yes, Sir Thomas, he's still the King."

(For the curious: the woman was Princess Louise Victoria Alexandra, the sister of King George V.)



The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
Why I fired my secretary...  [message #41995 is a reply to message #41972] Sun, 22 April 2007 08:39 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

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Location: UK, in Devon
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Messages: 13780



Last week was my birthday and i didn't feel very well waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, i was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As i walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "good morning, boss, happy birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously on the way back to the office, jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
icon7.gif Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #41996 is a reply to message #41994] Sun, 22 April 2007 09:48 Go to previous messageGo to next message
ron is currently offline  ron

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Sir Thomas was definitely a character, and stories about him abound. Here are a few of my favorites:

Once while appearing with the Boston Symphony Orchestra, he received a phone call in his hotel room from a man with a very thick Texas drawl. "Mistah Beecham," he said, "Ah'm thee prezhident of da Ainglish-shpeakin' uneion." Beecham calmly replied, "I don't believe you," and rang off.

It was said he couldn't tolerate the sound of the harpsichord. "It sounds like a bunch of skeletons copulating on a tin roof," he said.

Beecham conducted what has long been considered one of the classic recordings of Puccini's "La Boheme". Even though they were running short of time at the end of one recording session, Beecham insisted on recording a second take of the tenor-baritone duet (sung on this recording by Jussi Bjorling and Robert Merrill) which opens the opera's fourth act. Later, when asked which of those two takes he wanted on the finished recording, he said that either would be fine. So why, then, did he insist on doing that second take? "Oh, I just love hearing those boys sing that!"

While rehearsing a cello concerto with a female soloist, he stopped conducting and said to her, "My dear madam, you have between your legs the most sensitive instrument of all; and yet all you can do is sit there and scratch it?"



We do not remember days...we remember moments.

Cesare Pavese
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #41997 is a reply to message #41996] Sun, 22 April 2007 10:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
marc is currently offline  marc

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Now don't hold back on the punch lines.....

We can handle the funny parts any time you're ready.....



Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
Since Ron has mentioned La Bohème  [message #41998 is a reply to message #41996] Sun, 22 April 2007 11:39 Go to previous messageGo to next message
JFR is currently offline  JFR

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On one occasion during the very last scene of this opera when Mimí is dying the director required her lover, Rodolfo, to lie on top of her to express his anguish. At a certain during a rehearsal the tenor stood up and said "I cannot sing in this position!" Beecham immediately responded, "My dear chap, I have given some of my best performances in that position!"

J F R

PS. And of Beecham stories there is no end.



The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42000 is a reply to message #41997] Sun, 22 April 2007 16:39 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

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You let the lady handle her own funny bits!



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42001 is a reply to message #42000] Sun, 22 April 2007 16:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
marc is currently offline  marc

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No you misunderstand....

I meant that they just are not funny.... and they also are not jokes....



Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42002 is a reply to message #42001] Sun, 22 April 2007 17:05 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Deeej is currently offline  Deeej

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Regardless of whether they are technically jokes or not (and I don't see why they are not), I found them funny.

We all have different senses of humour, as you've made clear to me many times, Marc. Smile

David
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42003 is a reply to message #42001] Sun, 22 April 2007 17:16 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
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Messages: 13780



I giggled at it. I didn't hoot or howl, but I giggled. I reckon that makes it a joke. Or at least reported wit, which was intended to get a laugh and make the cellist do more than scratch



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42004 is a reply to message #42003] Sun, 22 April 2007 17:23 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
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Messages: 13780



I do see, though, that a report of someone else's joke is not a joke per se, but is an anecdote about the fact of the joke that was made back then. That moves it to a different category, even if it remains funny



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42005 is a reply to message #42002] Sun, 22 April 2007 17:36 Go to previous messageGo to next message
marc is currently offline  marc

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I am sure the humor gets diluted with the trip across the moat we had installed.....



Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42006 is a reply to message #42005] Sun, 22 April 2007 18:16 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Deeej is currently offline  Deeej

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You only have to look at what passes for American comedy in the cinema to see that...
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42007 is a reply to message #42006] Sun, 22 April 2007 18:22 Go to previous messageGo to next message
marc is currently offline  marc

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One could say the same about what passes as comedy to the Britts...



Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42008 is a reply to message #42007] Sun, 22 April 2007 18:44 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Deeej is currently offline  Deeej

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It's spelt British or, at a pinch, Brits.

There is, of course, a lot of rubbish in any country (Little Britain makes me scream in agony), but, on the whole, British humour tends to be more subtle, satirical or ironic than American humour, which tends to be more slapstick, crude or obvious. I can readily believe that a person brought up in America may not be able readily to re-orientate himself to the difference in style. I find it very hard to watch stereotypical American humour.

Personally, I think the greatest opportunity for humour is in a well-timed expression captured on-screen by a superb actor, a blink-and-you-miss it moment that subverts the situation or illustrates character more eloquently than any line, physical action or plot development.
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42009 is a reply to message #42008] Sun, 22 April 2007 21:37 Go to previous messageGo to next message
CallMePaul is currently offline  CallMePaul

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I believe both cultures have their slapstick, crude or obvious comedians. I would refer you to Benny Hill or Monty Phython. However, I think the popularity of British sitcoms on American TV would demonstrate the American's ability to appreciate the ironic, satirical wit of the British comedian. If a person is not able to perceive humour in its many facets, then they live in a very narrow plain of existence.



Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
Re: Why I fired my secretary...  [message #42010 is a reply to message #41995] Sun, 22 April 2007 21:41 Go to previous messageGo to next message
CallMePaul is currently offline  CallMePaul

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I suppose it could have been worse. It could have been a male secretary! :-[



Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42011 is a reply to message #42009] Sun, 22 April 2007 22:07 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Deeej is currently offline  Deeej

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Not sure about Benny Hill -- I've never seen any of him, as he is never screened on British television. The impression I get is that he's much more popular in America than in the UK.

Innuendo is a British tradition, however, provided it's carried off in a way that is intelligent (or at least mildly clever) and not threatening to the audience.

As for Monty Python, well, some of it is slapstick but I wouldn't call it crude. Satire does underrun much of it, and it's certainly very rarely obvious.

You say,
>If a person is not able to perceive humour in its many facets, then they live in a very narrow plane of existence.

There's a difference between perception and appreciation. I can perceive why American teenage gross-out comedy is supposed to be funny, for instance, but I can't bear to watch it, partly bcause I can usually see that the "punchline", what there is of it, coming a mile off, and partly because I don't equate disgusting with amusing. Little Britain, incidentally, is very much the same sort of thing -- I'd even accept it as a reasonable part of that genre if it were not for the fact that they repeat the same jokes over and over again every single episode.

That said, I agree with you.

David
Re: Why I fired my secretary...  [message #42013 is a reply to message #42010] Sun, 22 April 2007 22:13 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Deeej is currently offline  Deeej

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Surely that would be better?
Re: Your favorite joke!  [message #42015 is a reply to message #41972] Mon, 23 April 2007 01:37 Go to previous messageGo to next message
CallMePaul is currently offline  CallMePaul

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Darn ... someone beat me to writing my next kid's book.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/1583940537/ref=dp_image_text_0/104-5832520-7621536?ie=UTF8&n=283155&s=books

And yes, deej, it is typical American humour!



Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
icon14.gif Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42016 is a reply to message #42006] Mon, 23 April 2007 02:56 Go to previous messageGo to next message
ron is currently offline  ron

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You got that right, Deeej!



We do not remember days...we remember moments.

Cesare Pavese
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42017 is a reply to message #42009] Mon, 23 April 2007 03:00 Go to previous messageGo to next message
ron is currently offline  ron

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The only place where British comedies have succeeded in the United States has been on Public Television, which generally attracts a much more sophisticated audience than the "least common denominator" commercial networks.



We do not remember days...we remember moments.

Cesare Pavese
Re: Since Ron has mentioned La Bohème  [message #42018 is a reply to message #41998] Mon, 23 April 2007 03:05 Go to previous messageGo to next message
ron is currently offline  ron

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That's one Beecham story I never heard before; and unlike Timmy, it made me roar with laughter! Thanks, JFR!



We do not remember days...we remember moments.

Cesare Pavese
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42019 is a reply to message #42016] Mon, 23 April 2007 03:22 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Jedediah is currently offline  Jedediah

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I am totally with Deeej on this one. There have been some great British comedies, but Little Britain is NOT one of them. I'd sooner watch paint dry - over, and over, and over again.

cheers



E Te Atua tukuna mai ki au te Mauri tauki te tango i nga mea
Re: Your favorite joke!  [message #42020 is a reply to message #41972] Mon, 23 April 2007 03:27 Go to previous messageGo to next message
ron is currently offline  ron

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Since an actual joke has been called for, how about this one which the tenor Luciano Pavarotti told on "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson" (a late-night TV talk show in the US) years ago:

This really big bruiser of a man goes into a diner one morning precisely at 7, sits at the counter, slams his fist on the counter and loudly demands, "Cup of coffee! And I ain't payin' 'cause I ain't afraid of nobody!" The little man behind the counter who owned the place was sufficiently intimidated and gave him the cup of coffee. The big guy saw he had a patsy, and so for the next few mornings did the very same thing. After about a week of this, the little man, though still intimidated, had just about had his fill of it. Later that morning, a a good friend of his, who was if anything even bigger than the bully, stopped in the diner for breakfast. The little man told him of this big guy who had been coming in precisely at 7 every morning and demanding coffee. The friend tells him not to worry, that he'll take care of him the next morning. At 6:30 the next morning, the friend comes in and orders breakfast. Sure enough, precisely at 7, the big guy comes in, sits at the counter, slams his fist on the counter and demands, "Cup of coffee! And I ain't payin' 'cause I ain't afraid of nobody!" The friend calmly gets up, walks over to him and says, "Oh yeah? Well, I ain't afraid of nobody, either!" The big guy slams his fist on the counter again and bellows, "Make that two cups!"



We do not remember days...we remember moments.

Cesare Pavese
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42021 is a reply to message #42017] Mon, 23 April 2007 03:47 Go to previous messageGo to next message
marc is currently offline  marc

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True enough.... and I really enjoy what I do manage to see.

Here we also get the Canadian Broadcast Network out of Windsor Ca.... they have some decent serial soap type shows too.....

I am a sucker for that awful program Corronation Street.... I know it sucks and is totally predictable but I just like watching for some bizzare reason.

I also enjoy Masterpiece Theater and all the similar shows of that ilk as well.....



Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42022 is a reply to message #42011] Mon, 23 April 2007 03:53 Go to previous messageGo to next message
marc is currently offline  marc

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Benny Hill I would have to classify as idiot TV.......

It is like watching a gaggle of low grade morons working hard to be as idiotic as possible.

It was popular here some long time ago.... 25-30 years.... but is rarely aired anymore (thank the many gods for that).

Monty Python.... is rather good for a while... but it can wear on the nerves if taken in large doses...

The Mpnty Python movies however are well worth seeing... I have several in my own collection and watch them now and then....

I also like Wallace and Grommet too....



Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
Re: Your favorite joke!  [message #42023 is a reply to message #42020] Mon, 23 April 2007 04:51 Go to previous messageGo to next message
marc is currently offline  marc

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Which big guy? the first big guy or the second big guy?



Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
Timmy: F Y I  [message #42026 is a reply to message #42004] Mon, 23 April 2007 08:49 Go to previous messageGo to next message
JFR is currently offline  JFR

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http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/joke

J F R



The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
Re: Your favorite joke!  [message #42028 is a reply to message #42023] Mon, 23 April 2007 09:38 Go to previous messageGo to next message
ron is currently offline  ron

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Read it again, Marc.



We do not remember days...we remember moments.

Cesare Pavese
Re: Your favorite joke!  [message #42050 is a reply to message #42028] Tue, 24 April 2007 00:18 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Roger is currently offline  Roger

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A small gay man goes into a bar with his bull dog. He orders a Shirley Temple. The bar tender tell him to leave, that they dont serve his kind in this bar. The small gay man tells the bartender that if he dodnt fix his order that he would unleash his dog Brutus on him. The bartender tells him to get out, so the man lets the dog loose. The dog jumps on the bar and grabs the bartenders shirt and goes, bowsy wowsy.



If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
Re: Your favorite joke!  [message #42053 is a reply to message #42028] Tue, 24 April 2007 00:32 Go to previous messageGo to next message
marc is currently offline  marc

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I did.....



Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
Re: Your favorite joke!  [message #42054 is a reply to message #42053] Tue, 24 April 2007 00:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
marc is currently offline  marc

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It doesn't improve with age.....



Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
icon7.gif Your favorite joke!  [message #42058 is a reply to message #41972] Tue, 24 April 2007 03:50 Go to previous messageGo to next message
CallMePaul is currently offline  CallMePaul

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Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-- Sauce unknown



Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
Re: This is my favourite joke of all time  [message #42127 is a reply to message #42006] Thu, 26 April 2007 23:51 Go to previous message
electroken is currently offline  electroken

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David,
You might actually like a movie I would recommend as being a pretty good comedy and it builds during the movie. Jonathan Winters is great in it as are several others. It is called Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, World.

Also a comedian you might like a bit is Steven Wright who has some of the dry humor Brits are famous for doing. He has one where he says he is coming up to this store than has a banner on it saying it is open 24 hours. Just as he is about to go in, the guy is there to lock the door. So Steven says, "I thought your sign said you were open 24 hours?" And the owner replied, "Yes, but not in a row!"



Ken
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