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I ask myself "Why do I stick with this site when there are so many others?" and "What do I get out of it?" and "What do I need?" and many times "What does this person need - why did he make that post?".
I try to be honest about my own feelings but I distrust myself. I try to be helpful and I offer things which try not to be the sort of advice that 'tells people what to do'.
I think it would be instructive if everyone thought about why they stay here and what they want to get out of it and maybe what they have to offer and told us.
Love,
Anthony
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I receive a mixture of:- comradeship
- reassurance
- ability to vent
- feeling that I am not alone
- friendship
- being put back on track when I'm wrong
There is so much more.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 18:22] |
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This site allows me to explore what it means to be gay and to confront my homophobia, a product of 40 years of actively not being gay. My lingering attitudes or aversions are ebbing as I read more of the contributions on this forum, where a contemplative, intelligent, vocal, challenging, experienced, open, all-aged group of guys share part of their lives, lives which are just so...normal.
This site also is the first I've found where I feel comfortable contributing, where I allow myself the luxury of sounding stupid [not that that's happened, but I don't fear it here]. That has nothing to do with the content and everything to do with the feeling of camaradarie [wow, *that* one took several tries to google the right spelling!] and acceptance here. A place of safety, indeed.
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I came here (from the "Story Shelf") when I was going through a rough patch, dealing with becoming disabled, unable to work, and the excessive leisure time was making me face up to a number of skeletons in my past (including a first relationship that it took me 40 years to recognise was essentially abusive).
I stay, because I really enjoy the mix of people here. People who are very different from me - either in age, in background, or because they are married (something I once came close to in my late teens, before coming out in my early twenties). Above all, people who feel that they can quite candid about what for many are very personal matters. I'm fascinated by the variety of ways people have of experiencing their own gayness. And, of course, I've made a couple of good friends here.
I'd like to think that in turn the viewpoint I can offer - of a gay man happily out for nearly 30 years - is useful or interesting to the occasional poster here, as well.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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I guess I ought to answer my own question.
Like NW I was first attracted by the stories. At one time I had read them all! And many (not just Grasshopper) really got to me.
Then I discovered APOS and found the courage to be honest about some things that I had previously only dared to say to my wife. I also found other people's posts liberating - particularly some of the less serious contributions from younger members.
On other gay sites announcing one is 'bi' is liable to lead to an attack on the grounds that one is a traitor to the gay cause. I don't think that could happen here.
I do sometimes fear that my boring serious contributions may put off some of the young and if that is so I'd willingly just shut up and lurk.
And, as NW says, there are quite a few people here I'd like to get to know better and meet and be friends with. That hasn't happened yet.
Love,
Anthony
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I feel a sense of connection with people who spent the biggest part of their lives hiding who they really were. I feel a sense of loss over what I could have had if I'd had the courage to reach for it. And when I find other people with the same feelings and experiences there is an instant bond and sense of connection.
I feel some jealousy over some of the younger people who so easily accept their sexuality - but I am proud of them and happy for them at the same time.
The occasional despondent person who comes in with a tale of woe tugs at my heart, as it does for all of us. And I am so proud of my friends here when they rally around that person and inundate them with love and do their best to carry them until they are able to walk on their own again.
I've learned that although we are all gay to some degree, we are also all as different as snowflakes. The geometry may be the same but the patterns vary widely. And learning about each of you has helped to broaden my understanding and acceptance of myself.
I belong to a number of forums, mainly on gay story sites. Some I check into every day and contribute, some I mostly lurk at. But if I were allowed only one site to come to, it would be this one.
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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I’m not sure what kind of benefit APOS is for me. I know full well I shouldn’t post here because it never comes to any good what so ever.
I think I will always lurk though, simply because I like people watching… Does that make me a voyeur? I guess that’s the simple answer. LOL
[Updated on: Tue, 01 July 2008 17:49]
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 18:03] |
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I poured my heart out on this matter in a different thread recently, so I am not going to repeat what it is that keeps me here. But it does seem that I am different from others who have responded to Anthony's question regarding what brought me here.
This must be around thirteen years or so ago. I was desperately in need of company. Scouring the web, I found a forum called "Glass Onion" (now defunct). I liked reading the posts because they made me feel "normal", but far too scared to post myself. Then one day one of the posters said something about himself that was so much like me that I plucked up the courage to send him a private email. He encouraged me to post and, to cut a long story short, I did - every now and then.
One of the posters on "Glass Onion" at that time was Timmy, and when he announced that he was starting his own forum I immediately joined. I also sent Timmy an email, sort of introducing myself. At that time my email addy was our phone number because it had been provided by our overseas calls company. So my address looked something like b9876543@210.net. Timmy's first words in his response were "That's one hell of an address!"
So, it was the people that attracted me here and it is the people who keep me here. The stories were for me very much a secondary consideration - and always have been. I have enjoyed reading many of them; I have been blessed with the wonderful friendship of some of the authors - and that means more to me than all their stories put together - and certainly more than my own modest contributions.
As usual, I have waffled at inordinate length. Anthony should have known better: he should have added to his question: All are welcome to respond except
J F R 
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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I have developed a close knit family of the people here
people who can talk to me and let me help them and who im not afraid to talk to when I need someone...
thats the benefit Ive gotten out of here
through the thick and thin toil and woe of the site
whatever issues anyone has
a family has stood by me
and i have stood by them
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I ask myself the same things too.
I don't surf the net and therefore I don't know of other same such places.
The few that respond to me or fewer that converse with me never last long enough to establish what would be normally called a friendship.
One has reciently even went as far as to wish my death... go figure...
Ahh well... Life goes on... until it doesn't...
[Updated on: Thu, 03 July 2008 11:51]
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Case in point; take a look at this topic. It now has 11 responses to Anthony's original post, all of them thoughtful and to the point. Several clearly took a fair amount of time to compose. On other forums I've seen, most of the responses would be sarcastic or offensive one-liners, with one or two blowhards hogging the conversation. That doesn't happen here, and that's why I decided to join.
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Yes I am glad I posted the question. It would be nice to have some responses from the people that don't often contribute and/or from the young people the site hopes to help.
Love,
Anthony
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The good people I met at this place helped me come to terms with myself and with who I am. I am eternally grateful to my friends whom I met here for the first time, and to Timmy, who runs this place, which is absolutely unique in the universe of the internet.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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Ah, while it is lovely to have a new posting member, this board helps so many who just read. Encourage them by all means to open up to us, but never expect them to post.
Every time so far that I have said "This forum is more for those who lurk than those who post, I have been met with a set of major misunderstandings. And yet this forum, peopled by those who post, does a huge amount for those who will never post themselves.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Like most I started off lurking, but the friendliness and tone of the people finally persuaded me to join. That, and that Timmy accepted a couple of my stories! ;-D
APOS has a real sense of family about it, and though I don't post a lot, I know that what I do decide to say won't be laughed at. Umm, and that's why I'm here.
Camy
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: Music and Cats." - Albert Schweitzer
It's like Mad Max out here: guys doing guys, girls doing girls, girls turning into guys and doing girls that used to do girls and guys!
- from Alex Truelove
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