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As time passes  [message #66098] Fri, 19 August 2011 23:48 Go to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13759



Most of you know I have spent my life fighting to rid myself of the obsessive 'love' for the boy I fell for at 13. It has had odd consequences. I express the major one as loneliness. You see I no longer have 'things' I used to have:
  • my fantasy of him has gone
  • I can no longer find his face appealing
  • the memories I had I know, now, to be false, even of things that actually happened
Things like that take some time to become good things. Right now I know they will, because everything else I've worked for has come good, but it sucks at times. Imagine lying in bed wanting the old erotic fantasy back, but it refuses to load?

None of these were comfy things, but they were things I built false hopes on. The hope building was the lonely part, but learning that for myself makes it seem the lonelier.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: As time passes  [message #66099 is a reply to message #66098] Sat, 20 August 2011 08:39 Go to previous messageGo to next message
NW is currently offline  NW

On fire!
Location: Worcester, England
Registered: January 2005
Messages: 1560



timmy wrote:
>
  • the memories I had I know, now, to be false, even of things that actually happened

  • To a greater or lesser extent, I think most people do this: memories tend to reflect emotional truths as much as "physical reality". A lot of the work I've done with my lad is about learning to express "I feel/felt as though ..." instead of being through a parable/fable about what "happened".

    > None of these were comfy things, but they were things I built false hopes on. The hope building was the lonely part, but learning that for myself makes it seem the lonelier.
    I really feel for you on this, Timmy. Letting go - really letting go - of dreams always leaves a void, and I think that it's harder to find new and perhaps more appropriate ones at our age. Grieving - for a dream as much as a person or stage in our lives - takes time, as I'm sure you know ... and I think all one can do is recognise that. I hope that the time that you feel like this will be short: it seems to me that you've done so much of the work on this already.

    Hugz.



    "The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
    Re: As time passes  [message #66101 is a reply to message #66099] Sat, 20 August 2011 22:40 Go to previous messageGo to next message
    timmy

    Has no life at all
    Location: UK, in Devon
    Registered: February 2003
    Messages: 13759



    I have, finally, let go. The boy of my youth probably never existed except he had a physical footprint. The rest was n my head. I imbued him with a great many virtues he almost certainly never had. All I can say is that he was sentient life, slim, and, to me then, handsome. He appeared to be a friend.

    As I have thrown away my illusions of him I have learned that he was not a friend. Friends stay constant, or you know when they go. He faded. Friendship does not fade, nor does t wither, not if it is real.

    He was decent looking, but cute rather than handsome. None of us age particularly gloriously, but he has not carried his years that well, or, perhaps, there was nothing to carry. I cannot imagine myself on my back looking adoringly in to his eyes, looking at his yellow smoker's teeth, and imagine myself in ecstasy.

    I knew his naked body by heart. Now it holds no attractions, even nubile and pubescent as it was then.

    I know I would take his phone call, accept an invitation to meet, but now not with the same alacrity as half a decade ago. The event would be, I think, a curiosity, though not, for me, a failure.

    But learning this has been lonely. Had he possessed the one virtue I believed he had, that of being a gentleman, he would have offered some sort of succour to me. Even that no longer hurts. But it can, sometimes, be damnably lonely.



    Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
    Re: As time passes  [message #66102 is a reply to message #66101] Sun, 21 August 2011 21:42 Go to previous messageGo to next message
    timmy

    Has no life at all
    Location: UK, in Devon
    Registered: February 2003
    Messages: 13759



    There are, sometimes, setbacks. We have a no-nonsense, down to earth female TV presenter of historic buildings, Lucy Worsley. Now she and the chief probation officer of a rural English shire do not look the same today, but she looks like he might have been, if you follow me. So, when I see her on TV my heart lurches, though less and less as time passes. So I see thia face, wonder if it is actually good looking (based on my never quite knowing if John was good looking)



    and my heart lurches. It's quite horrible when these things creep up and grab me by surprise.

    Yet, when I place it against



    There is so little similarity. Or maybe I see so much. It's hard to be objective. And the mind plays cruel tricks. I get the lurch from people who are also almost entirely dissimilar in looks, but who have an expression, or some other half remembered similarity...

    So it is a process, and one of desensitisation. After all, he never was mine in the first place.

    [Updated on: Mon, 22 August 2011 09:47]




    Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
    Re: As time passes  [message #66103 is a reply to message #66102] Tue, 23 August 2011 04:45 Go to previous messageGo to next message
    ray2x is currently offline  ray2x

    Really getting into it
    Location: USA
    Registered: April 2009
    Messages: 429



    I took the past three or so months to check my emotions about my former boyfriend. We were it. Today, we're barely friends. We're in email contact and Facebook contact. He's got his life, I've mine. We're still on a friendly basis but that's about as far as we want it to be. He's going to marry soon, if and when California allows it. I'll be happy for him, and I imagine he was happy that I got married to a female. But there will be some stirrings for him always. I embrace those years we were a couple. If it was supposed to be that we ought to have stayed together, we blew it. And we have acknowledge that. Our relationship took that turn, and we're at a point that we know and understand we will always have those memories. He loves me still and I love him. We will always love one another. But our lives are our own. Who knows if one day we will get together for a visit. Doubtful but possible.



    Raymundo
    Re: As time passes  [message #66104 is a reply to message #66103] Tue, 23 August 2011 08:07 Go to previous messageGo to next message
    timmy

    Has no life at all
    Location: UK, in Devon
    Registered: February 2003
    Messages: 13759



    You have the one thing I cannot have: something real to remember. MIne was a fake, a sham, a hollow shell. It is easier to relax about a relationship that ended than about one that never was. I have had both.



    Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
    Re: As time passes  [message #66105 is a reply to message #66104] Wed, 24 August 2011 22:16 Go to previous messageGo to next message
    jaycracker is currently offline  jaycracker

    Likes it here
    Location: UK
    Registered: May 2004
    Messages: 155



    Time is a strange animal. In my case it softens the loss of my best true love that I had and lost. But it's strange. If he were now widowed, I know he would come and search me out for company, and yet...

    Things would and could never be as they were. He has had a life away from me and me from him. We have both changed in our own little ways. What we might wish for has gone, lost in the avenues of time. Maybe it's better to just remember the good times we shared when we were as we were, then.
    Neither of us would be able to do as we did at that moment in time and it would be no more than a disapointment, probably.

    The memories are kinder than reality would be now.


    CW
    icon14.gif Re: As time passes  [message #66113 is a reply to message #66104] Tue, 30 August 2011 12:37 Go to previous message
    ashley is currently offline  ashley

    Likes it here
    Location: Sydney Australia
    Registered: February 2002
    Messages: 318




    You have much more than a fantasy, you have family, friends and distant admirers. You are truly a special person "Dad"



    People have a habit of changing your direction through life
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