|
|
Armin
|
 |
Getting started |
Location: America
Registered: November 2011
Messages: 5
|
|
|
Hello. My name is Jacob.
I have just spent five minutes trying to write a post to get some help here and then the internet I ate it. Everything I posted just disappeared. 
Anyway, I was only six when five teenage boys came into my house and all of them forced me to suck their dicks. It's twenty years later and now nothing makes sense. I haven't ever had a meaningful friendship with another male in childhood or adulthood because I've been obsessed with sucking their dicks.
I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel like a human being anymore. Therapy's been useless and I can't talk to my folks. (They are in denial about it.) And they don't want to hear about it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dear Jacob,
The first thing you must accept is that you are not responsible for the actions of others. What those boys did was so wrong and criminal and left you with guilt feelings you should not have.
The best thing I would suggest is that you find a peer counseling group in a rape recovery program. There are many such programs in the straight and gay community, some of them available through your local hospital. But you need to continue talking about this assault because you cannot deal with it alone.
Sexual assault is just another form of bullying and although the event was decades past you still feel the pain. The power those bullies had over you is long gone and yet the scars linger. You need to empower yourself with understanding, fight back by sharing the feelings with others, and continue to seek professional help for the emotional trauma.
Many families deal with such horrible news with denial, and that isn't fair to you. I would not give up seeking help because eventually you will find the courage to speak out and seek a certain level of peace with your past. Then perhaps you can get your family to deal with the issue.
At this point in your life male bonding will be difficult because you lack trust in others. I don't know, and I don't need to know, your sexual identity. It would not be good to allow your obsessions to persist. Even in a gay relationship compulsive behavior is bad for you. These are things you need to speak about to a trained counselor.
Childhood events should not be allowed to color your adult life. You are not alone with these feelings and the sooner you learn to share your thoughts and accept the past as history then you can begin the healing process.
Call someone, visit a health clinic, do it now. These thoughts have lingered long enough and if your family will not help then you need to step up and do it for yourself. I wish you all the best.
Age appears to be best in four things; old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read. (Sir Francis Bacon 1561-1626)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Armin
|
|
Getting started |
Location: America
Registered: November 2011
Messages: 5
|
|
|
Thank you Chris. But what is a health clinic going to do for me? :/
I've been in this weird "recovery" thing for 5 going on 6 years. Nothing's happening. :/
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I suggested a health clinic because most of them maintain a list of counselors in various fields of mental health.
In America most large cities have rape crisis centers, and too often these focus on women's issues. A review of the internet using the words: male rape crisis centers, gives a list of cities and various organizations.
If you are a gay male then I would seek counseling within the umbrella of gay counseling services who may seek to understand your issues in context with your current life. Straight men should take an approach to a rape crisis center or hotline where someone with training can direct your focus.
Yes, I understand, you are not satisfied with the counseling you have encountered so far. I can only speak to those areas in which I have participated in counseling work. If you lived in Baltimore I would direct you to Johns Hopkins Hospital which has a world class department dealing with sexual disfunction.
Your stated obsession with male sexual organs only gives me the idea that what you feel is unacceptable and disfunctional. We cannot possibly deal with this issue on this forum.
But you should continue to seek professional help and if by chance you live in a large city that would be helpful as they have greater resources. If not, a call to a national rape crisis hotline ( you can Google that name) will put you in touch with further advice.
I cannot say much else here, except that you seem to be a person in great pain over your past experience, so I urge you not to stop seeking help just because you don't have any quick answers.
Age appears to be best in four things; old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read. (Sir Francis Bacon 1561-1626)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I would say try a different group. A different group may well give you a different result. Different people and all that.
If one isn't helping, try another. And another. You'll find someone or somewhere that you'll make a connection with.
Look for different kinds of a group, too.
Try searching yourself for what you truly want out of such a group.
What do you need or want from it? What do you think you should be getting help for? Do you need to deal more with what happened or do you need/want to move past it? Do you need to resolve anger issues or separate it from your current self?
And sometimes, it just takes years to deal with things in your own way.
I'm sure you can get what you want or need if you keep at finding out just what that is. Even doing that might take more time than you wish it would.
All the best in your efforts!
raysstories.com
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
 |
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13778
|
|
|
No-one means "go away". What they mean is that we can not give you anything more than simple reassurance and help. The only person with the ability to cure this set of feelings is you, yourself, if 'cure' is the right word.
Sharing the troubles you had and how you feel today was hard. It was a brave act.
Keep the brave act coming. Keep talking.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Armin
|
|
Getting started |
Location: America
Registered: November 2011
Messages: 5
|
|
|
Thanks, although I"m not sure what to say very often, even if I desperately want to continue speaking.
I guess that it feels as if I've been completely destroyed and, in a way, murdered. Murdered over and over and over in my daily leaving. Like my past, my innocence, my ultimate value of a person has been completely shattered and all the king's horses, and all the king's men can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13778
|
|
|
To get this into perspective for me, and in no way to seem to diminish what happened to you, may I ask, was this unpleasant action a one time only action, or was it a continuing action over time? The reason I ask is to try to understand how best to help you to help yourself through this.
The rape is no 'better' if it was a single act, and no 'worse' if it was multiple times. Rape is rape.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Armin
|
|
Getting started |
Location: America
Registered: November 2011
Messages: 5
|
|
|
It may have been various times, but I don't remember if it was more than once.
It definitely occured once though.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13778
|
|
|
What I'd like you to do, and it is what I would have liked you to do in either case, is to consider with great care why the event was so important to you. I'd like you to look at the full effects that the events had on you at the time, and how those effects followed you into adulthood. You have no need to make a public answer, the answer is for you, yourself. Making it public would serve others, of course.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13778
|
|
|
I'm not prompting you for a public reply. I'd simply like to know whether you have done this for yourself.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Armin
|
|
Getting started |
Location: America
Registered: November 2011
Messages: 5
|
|
|
Yes. I"ve examined the reckage of my life and needless to say, it's pretty sad.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13778
|
|
|
Are you sure that's what I asked you to do? I think I had something far more difficult in mind. Anyone can look at the alleged wreckage of their life, you know. We all have parts of our lives that are far less than perfect.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I've only just seen this, having been busy for a while.
Having thought carefully about it, whatever you do, don't do nothing.
There will be someone out there who can help you, so keep on contacting the various help groups until you find the right person for you who can help.
Whatever, DON'T give up.
CW.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13778
|
|
|
Again, it's not for me, it's for you. Help is here, you know. To get it you have to walk to meet it. I;m walking to meet you, but silence is all I hear. I have email if you prefer to use it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
