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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > hello?
hello?  [message #67025] Thu, 27 September 2012 01:03 Go to next message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29




Hello Smile,
Where is everyone. I've been coming back and forth to this site since I was about 13/14 (now 21). I did have an account but for the life of me I cant remember my old username or email I used lol.

Your site helped me in so many ways. The stories you host made me cry/laugh and feel many other emotions (the circle by smokr always sticks in my mind. That story was a rollercoaster! Never cried and smiled so much from a story! Lol)
I feel this site holds a big place in helping me realize who I am.

I can now say I'm Gavin 21 and gay. Ask me a few years ago and it was the complete opposite. Well the 3rd option anyway lol Razz.

Thank you Timmy! Without you and the authors you've hosted. I'd hate to even imagine where I'd be right now. You (although not directly) saved a 15 year olds life back in 2007. I'm thankful! Smile.

Best regards,
Gavin





I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
Re: hello?  [message #67027 is a reply to message #67025] Thu, 27 September 2012 07:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



I hope it wasn't truly as dramatic as your life being saved, and that you're using a metaphor, but I'm glad it was saved. One day you may remember your old id! But perhaps it was from a time in your life that has changed so much that it's fine to forget it Smile



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: hello?  [message #67028 is a reply to message #67027] Thu, 27 September 2012 15:22 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29




Unfortunately it was. When I was 13 my head was in a right mess. 'I was gay but I couldn't be gay. Its wrong, I'm disgusting. What have I ever done wrong?'

I knew I was gay, the way my heart fluttered when my best friend would cone over, the way i felt. Instantly safe when he was around and such. But my mind wouldn't accept it. I felt like I was constantly having an argument with myself Sad. So things eventually got too much and I chose to try the quick way out and not actually deal with myself. Well that attempt failed and I just told my mum im getting bullied and that was it. But after that I started using the internet, I joined up to a few forums and I slowly started to accept who I was. But then I had to tell my parents. I got myself so worked up I was on the brink again. But this time I felt I really wanted too. I had 64 tablets instead of 20 this time and I was prepared to have alcohol too. But I was reading stories on your site to try and take my mind off it. Nothing was working and I felt myself getting closer and closer but then I found your useful links page or whatever uit was called and I saw something about suicide. It took me to a black site with.blue scales on it or something. I read that page and I did what it said. I phoned my best friend and we talked. He turnt up at my house and we talked. About random crap to be honest. But we talked for hours and he reassured me. Made me feel better and I told him ny secret. He was a tad shocked and uncomfortable you could see it but he stayed, talked with me and. Helped me work out how I could tell mum.

So I feel without your site I wouldn't of found that page and possibly wouldn't be here now. So thank you Smile. Xx



I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
Re: hello?  [message #67029 is a reply to message #67028] Thu, 27 September 2012 21:17 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



I'm glad one of the many resources we have here did the trick for you. I'm also very glad your best friend was such a rock. Doing something good when we feel uncomfortable is pretty hard to do. He did well. And, because he did well, you did well. Are you still good friends?

Did you tell your parents? I see he helped you work out how to, so what happened?



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: hello?  [message #67030 is a reply to message #67029] Thu, 27 September 2012 23:50 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29




Yeah we are still great friends! Smile, we don't see each other much now though since i moved up to London/Kent. But we are in regular contact through Facebook and texts Smile. He doesn't give a crap about me being gay now, he was only shocked and a bit uncomfortable as i was the first gay guy he'd ever met, after he saw i was still the same Gavin who he knew since we where tiny he was ok with it.

Yeah i told my parents the following day, the way i saw it was i was the lowest i could get at that time if they disown me or such it couldn't get any worse. I don't know why i was so scared to be honest. My mum was lovely, she just ran over and hugged me whilst i balled my eyes out.
My dad was mellow should i say? He didn't seem too impressed but he said "I don't understand you or why but you're still my son" It's all he has ever really said on the subject.
My grandparents,stuck with the whole "It's a phase, I've just not met the right girl" thing. Which still hurts now, but i still talk to them and they send me cards at Christmas and birthdays so i just wont shove the fact i am in their faces.

I was never really scared about school, i was always bullied for being gay, way before i even realised i was. So when i came out to my parents word somehow got around school. I still don't know how i think it was my cousin Sad. I'm glad whoever did out me, did. But at the time i wasn't ready in myself. Bullying stopped almost instantly but that was because the bullies thought i wanted to f*ck them. But so did every other guy Sad. But with the complete seclusion i met some new people, people who i would never of in a hundred years thought I'd be friends with. So good and bad came from being outed in school. I lost a load of friends but i gained a few GREAT friends.

Since leaving school and moving I've had some of the people at my old school message me on Facebook,,apologise and ask forgiveness. I accept their apology but i can't forgive them. They f*cked with my head. But I'm glad they did kind of. I believe in the whole theory of "what happened made you who you are now" so if it wasn't for all the sh*t i put up with, Website's i went on, people i met. I wouldn't be where i am now, bulletproof, loved and running a successful web hosting company. So in a way i thank the d*cks?

But yeah, I'm now 21, been out 6 years and don't ever regret a single thing I've done Smile.
Wow i don't know where all that came from lol.

But this place is defiantly a part of me. The novels I've read and the people here. I wish i engaged more over the years. All i did was hide and read from afar. But thank you once again Smile.

Regards,
Gavin

[Updated on: Thu, 27 September 2012 23:51]




I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
Re: hello?  [message #67031 is a reply to message #67030] Fri, 28 September 2012 07:29 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



I'm glad on so many levels that you are here now.
  • I'm glad you are still alive. The tale, though sad in parts, has made my day brighter
  • I'm glad you are contributing here. That tells me that you are well on the way to healing, and it means your being here will heal others. As you know, the forum is as much, perhaps more, for those who just read it, created by those who post here. (That sentence made no real sense in words, but the meaning is clear!)
  • I'm glad your school colleagues have asked for forgiveness. Perhaps one day you might. I have never forgiven the boy who outed me in school, though, and I doubt I would were he to ask me, face to face.

There's so much more here. I just can't find the words to say it. Oh, you can say 'fuck' here! Odd, isn't it, how the idiots think we find them and their zit farms of faces to be unbelievably attractive! Most of them are plug ugly and unpleasantly unattractive folk.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: hello?  [message #67032 is a reply to message #67031] Fri, 28 September 2012 16:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29




I get what you mean Smile. I never really thought I'd be one of the posters here someone could possibly read. I can remember at the age.of around 15 spending hours in the middle of the night trawling through the forum. Not posting but reading everything. If you're reading this feeling shitty and such things get better! Smile go on YouTube and search it gets better. There are some real emotional ones. But they all leave you feeling good and fulfilled. I've always wanted to do my own but I've never found the words and being such an emotional tit at times I'd just sob lol!

As for bigoted straight guys! Omg lol. It made me cringe. The fattest biggest excuse for a boy at my school decided I fancied him. Abd he made my life he'll about it. I snapped on him one day and told him how I really felt. It stopped rumours of me fancying people but whenever I was on my own around him I could see the scenes of him killing me running through his head. Nothing ever happened thank god and I only had to deal with it a few months before I left for college .

I miss the old times. When it wasn't 'Facebook' and i had no worries and could easily sit here for hours and trawl the internet. I miss that lol.

So how have you been? Smile



I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
Re: hello?  [message #67037 is a reply to message #67032] Sat, 29 September 2012 08:27 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



I can just see it. "Look, fat boy, you have zits, you're ugly, and small dogs would get lost in your man boobs. I bet you have to use an extension to wipe your own arse. How could you possibly think I fancy you!"

How've I been? Like everyone, mostly good days with some crap thrown in Smile I did make a IGBP video, and I also wrote a letter to myself at 16. Both helped.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: hello?  [message #67041 is a reply to message #67037] Sat, 29 September 2012 23:19 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29




I've always wanted to do a it gets better video but I don't know what to say. I've done several letters to myself. To help me through hard patches. Maybe I'll post them online someday.I can remember a post on the forum sometime ago about the IGBP from you with a link t a blog but I can't remember xD.



I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
Re: hello?  [message #67045 is a reply to message #67041] Sun, 30 September 2012 09:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



Ah, I finished blogging and turned the blog off. It was spoiling things at home for me. If you search Youtube for 'oetimmy' you'll find the channel, though.

What to say? It doesn't matter as long as it comes from inside. There is a whole thread about this. My own letter is here. I read it out loud.

[Updated on: Mon, 01 October 2012 17:17]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: hello?  [message #67047 is a reply to message #67045] Mon, 01 October 2012 15:32 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29




I watched your video. Wow. I dunno how to describe it. Hearing you say about after your 'outing' and the ride home. It really hit home. I've read that somewhere on your site before. But hearing you say it, made it real. Not that I didn't find it real when I read it, oh I dunno how to explain it lol. It's inspired me to do mine. I don't know what to say but I guess I'll just give it a go Smile.

The link doesn't work but I done some searching and think I've found the post you were on about. I'll listen to that later. I also see you live/lived where I used too. I lived by the college (well academy now lol) and used to go Churston Smile. The long journey to school with my friend Smile I miss living there lol. Have you ever been woodlands? I can remember when I was younger haha.



I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
Re: hello?  [message #67049 is a reply to message #67047] Mon, 01 October 2012 17:27 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



I've corrected the link (above) and added it here.

I live in Dartmouth, right by the queue for the higher ferry Smile We moved here form Bracknell and can say with absolute clarity that we don't miss it at all, just a few friends. Never been to Woodlands. Somehow "Guaranteed fun whatever the weather" sounds a bit naff.

I did the video once, didn't like it and redid it. I'd cut the top of my head of. My tripod aim wasn't as good as I thought! There was no script, just what was in my heart. Just do one. The more that are there the more one kid will find the one that stops suicide. "Saving the world one lad at a time"



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: hello?  [message #67051 is a reply to message #67049] Mon, 01 October 2012 19:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29




"timmy wrote on Mon, 01 October 2012 18:27"
I've corrected the link (above) and added it here.

I live in Dartmouth, right by the queue for the higher ferry Smile We moved here form Bracknell and can say with absolute clarity that we don't miss it at all, just a few friends. Never been to Woodlands. Somehow "Guaranteed fun whatever the weather" sounds a bit naff.

I did the video once, didn't like it and redid it. I'd cut the top of my head of. My tripod aim wasn't as good as I thought! There was no script, just what was in my heart. Just do one. The more that are there the more one kid will find the one that stops suicide. "Saving the world one lad at a time"

--

I love and miss Dartmouth hugely. I was sad to move up to London. But it was for college and Uni. I hope to go back some day? I dunno. Is trago still around? Last I heard it burnt down. I loved the superkarts and the bumper boats Very Happy. Also is the little bakery still there by the barbican? They used to do jaw breakers. Omg yummy lol. We visit relatives who live near the new Sainsbury's every December to do the Christmas run (saying hello spending a couple days, exchange presents then come home) I have the luxury of driving this year Sad. It's fine going there but coming home is horrible.

I'm off Wednesday so I'll be up late tomorrow woo! I'm going to do one Smile



I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
Re: hello?  [message #67053 is a reply to message #67051] Mon, 01 October 2012 22:21 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



You will be back to Dartmouth. Trago is there. Or the big store part at least. Barbican? May bump into you in Sainsbury's!



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: hello?  [message #67054 is a reply to message #67053] Mon, 01 October 2012 23:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29




I meant as to move xD. I have my life there, friends, family. In London I feel lost lol. I have friends and someone special but it's just not Dartmouth. Too busy for a country boy like me haha. I've also lost my accent now Sad. I'm a Londoner lol.

Boots? Close to boots. Pasty pesto or something. Very nice pasties!

we may do indeed... I'll keep an eye out, then come up and go BOO... Just kidding, I'd probably just be all nervous and stuff haha.

i can remember when the spar, sainsburys, leisure centre and Lidl's wasn't there xD. One thing I don't miss about Dartmouth is college way/townstal! I had to walk down it going to school, then all the way up it after. I could of got the park and ride but I was kinda athletic back then and it gave me longer to talk to my friend back then.

oh and woodlands was amazing!! Well it was when I was younger haha.



I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
Re: hello?  [message #67080 is a reply to message #67025] Fri, 05 October 2012 18:41 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29




Well i done my it gets better video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mob3A-X-Svg

Such a shame about my mic though Sad.



I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
Re: hello?  [message #67082 is a reply to message #67080] Fri, 05 October 2012 22:58 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13739



I fear your mic is too poor for my speakers Sad



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: hello?  [message #67083 is a reply to message #67082] Fri, 05 October 2012 23:06 Go to previous message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29




Yup Sad, after doing it all, i felt happy with what i said. But upon listening to it back i was like "OH NO" Sad. I'm going to get a new mic on payday, just over a week away and i'll give it another go at recording lol.



I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
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