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My first story  [message #67057] Wed, 03 October 2012 02:18 Go to next message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29

Well i've always wanted to write a story about my past and such. With some encouragement i've decided i will do it.

I've done my first one about my friend Taylor when i was young.
Here goes...
[start story]

Throughout my childhood I was always quiet. Distant. Somewhat weird? I don't know why but I just was ok?

Rather than being out climbing trees, building forts and such, I'd rather be at home spending time with mum or playing with my Action Men and my sisters Barbie dolls rather than getting dirty (eww).

Dad was hardly around. He worked for some security firm and we didn't see him much. Maybe a couple of hours in the morning whilst mum went to the gym. Well he never stuck around all that long. When I was about 8 he met some lady from America on the computer. He loved her, it was love at first sight.How can that be through a computer? I can remember asking myselfWell he eventually ending up moving over to America and 13 years later is still there. We still talk sometimes, but it's just so hard to call him 'Dad'.

Anyway at the age of 6 or so I had 1 friend. Yeah you read that right, just the 1. His name was Taylor. I was 3 Months and 7 days older than him though! He lived around the corner from me and he'd come over most days and we'd play with my enormous collection of toy cars! It was so much fun. There weren't any consoles around at the time, well ones we could afford anyway. We had a PC but dad paid so much money for it I wasn't allowed to look at it let alone use it. 

By the time I was 8 we had a different kind of friendship in which we kissed. Yup that's right we kissed (Gay right?) Well at the time I didn't know what gay was all we knew was that it felt really good to kiss. We never got up to anything, only showing each other our boy bits. But nothing ever went any further than that.

OOH crap sorry I've not actually told you what Taylor looked like have i? My bad haha. He had a tanned complexion which seemed to glow during the winter, his eyes; yeah his eyes... were just amazing, they were such a deep blue you found yourself gazing into them unwillingly, forever if possible. He had medium to dark brown hair. Everything seemed to go together just perfectly. He was beautiful!

Anyway where was i? Oh yeah boy bits! Yeah we never got up to anything. If I knew what I knew now. Wow it would have been serious fun! Not that it wasn't fun, but you get my drift.

Things continued until I was about 10 and we left primary school. During the 6 weeks holiday we played so much. He managed to get me to meet some of his friends; he even got me to help build a tree house in his garden! It was horrible because I hated getting dirty with a passion, but because Taylor wanted my help I just had to help (I scrubbed myself clean later though!)

That summer we became even closer. Whenever I was waiting for him to come over for a few hours I had butterflies doing summersaults and twists in my tummy. It was a weird but nice kind of feeling if you get what I mean?Well things don't always last do they? One day we were hanging out and he told me he was moving just before we went back to school. 

I just said "Coooool" not really processing what he was telling me.

It wasn't until I got home and asked mum what he meant. That's when it hit home and it felt like he reached in and tore my heart from my body. 

Why was I feeling like this? It was him moving not me. I'd still see him right? 

Well no. The next morning we met up as usual and went and watched some TV over his house. Things were already different. All his mum's pretty dishes and ornaments were not there. Just boxes stacked around the house.

I can remember just looking at Taylor and saying"I don't want you to go"

He just looked at me and gave me a half smile and got up and ran upstairs. I was confused. I could hear faint sobs coming from upstairs and he's mum just looked at me and told me it was time I went home. 

What did I do? Does he hate me? Will he see me tomorrow?

He never came over the next day and the day after. I was tearing myself to pieces. All I said is I didn't want him to go and he reacts like this? Maybe I was the one over reacting? After beating myself up about it I decided I'd go say sorry. Well it was my fault; I did make him cry... somehow. As I got to the corner of where he's house was I saw a great big removal van and then caught a glimpse of Taylor helping his parents move his things into the van. 

There it was again... those bloody butterflies. He always gave me them, he made me so happy, like I was the only other guy on earth. 

Hey! Snap out of it. He's leaving some point today... 

What was I supposed to do? Was he going to go without saying good bye to me? I just saw myself standing there. Tears in my eyes. 

Maybe it was easier for us if he just went? No it can't be. I must say something. Get your fucking act together! Go over there and act like normal... you know stuff like "Hey!"... Yeah that's a good start. 

So I went over and said "Hello! What you doing?" Well it was pretty obvious what was happening as I held those god damn tears back!

He turnedto me and his eyes... something was wrong, they were so puffy and red.

Wow I must have really upset him! 

He just muttered "Hi mate" and "sorry" then walked back into his house. 

Sorry?? Why sorry?? 

I followed him into the garden and he climbed into the tree house we made (did I tell you how amazing that tree house was?? No? Well it was absolutely amazing simply because me and Taylor built it!!)

He just sat down in the corner and hugged his knees. 

Oh shit I thought. I must have really messed things up and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore and I started to cry and said Sorry. Sorry over and over again. I couldn't say anything else. 

He just looked up at me with tears racing down his face and said "Sorry" 

again?? What is with him? I upset him! 

"Why sorry? I made you cry" I said. 

"I'm leaving not you!" he shouted at me. 

I was confused. No. I was startled to say the least. He'd never shouted at me, even when we had those kiddie arguments over silly stuff. I just looked at him, he must of seen he somewhat scared I was as he said sorry again.

"What's wrong" I asked amidst those bloody butterflies. 

Were they trying to tell me something? Was I meant to say something? The words were there just not audible. 

He said sorry again. 

OH MY... If he says sorry again I'll slap him! Well of course i wouldn't really... I love him.... Wait what?... Are those the words I'm meant to say? Na that's just silly haha loves just for family!

We sat there in silence for a few minutes. 

Then he broke the silence. 

"I'm sorry I'm leaving, but mum wants to be near nanny, and well so do I but I don't wanna leave you, but I get no say, so in a couple hours I'll be gone, but wanna hang for a bit?" 

Hell yeah I'd loved to hang for a bit, why did he ask? Hang on... he doesn't want to leave me... but... but... why? 

All I could say was "Yes!!"

So we hung out for a few hours. Then came "come on Taylor, time to go"

We looked up to each other and I've never seen his eyes look so crap. I could usually stare into them forever. But today I could see something. Something not good and I just couldn't look into them. So anyway... we went round to the front where his mum was waiting. 

She said "come on hun, go get buckled up" 

He turned to me and gave me a hug, I couldn't breathe. I started to cry and said goodbye for the last time. I stood there and watched them drive away. 

"I love you" I said as I waved good bye to my only friend.
[/end story]

Thanks Smokr (Ray) for the advice and edits! Smile

I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
Re: My first story  [message #67063 is a reply to message #67057] Wed, 03 October 2012 18:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29

Another one inspired by a FB post i saw (i posted it in the general section) it brought up feelings from when i was contemplating suicide when i was around 15.


I'm lying there contemplating 'It'
There's no real way to describe what I'm feeling. Numb, sad, happy? I just don't know anymore.
I don't like how I'm feeling. Torn up inside.

Inside I'm screaming yet there's no sound. All I want is some help but there's just no one there.

I play it all in my head how happy everyone will be when I do 'it'. They'll be happy right?

Of course is all I can muster.

I've been strong for far too long. I help everyone. I listen. I care. I knew I couldn't handle all their burdens. But I just had to do it to make them happy.

Do I regret it? No.

I've made so many people so happy. I've gave them advice that changed their world. I helped people back down to earth.
Yet when I'm in need why I can't I just follow the advice I told?

It's easy isn't it? Well that's what you'd think anyway. In reality it just isn't. I'm so sure I want to do this. But if I follow my advice how will I cope with this pain.

Pain? Yup. It's not physical... or is it? Well it certainly feels like it at the moment.

My guts churn up inside of me. My head feels like it's going to blow. It simply can't process all these feelings, emotions and thoughts anymore.

That's why I have to do 'it'.

I love and care for my friends and family. That's why I have to do 'it'.

In the back of my head I can't see how any of that makes sense. But saying it and hearing myself say those words. It just fits.

I try to see myself 10 years from now. All I see is darkness. I can't see how my life will ever get better.

"Give it a chance" Is all I hear inside.

But how can i? Things are over.

I sit there looking at my notepad. Getting ready to write my note. What do I say? Sorry?

There it is again. That feeling of nothing. I just can't describe it anymore.

Do I write about how I was bullied, how I felt used, how I felt nothing for the past 3 years? How can I be who I am when i can't admit things to myself?

I am so confused. Do I really want to do 'it'?

I'm really getting into writing stories. I dunno what my future ones will be about. But i plan on doing more and getting better at them. Learning ways to write and structure them better Smile.

It's been a lot harder than i originally thought. I don't know if that's because i'm writing using true facts which still sort of hurt rather than fiction. I dunno Smile. I guess i'll have to try a go at fiction lol.

I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
Re: My first story  [message #67086 is a reply to message #67063] Sun, 07 October 2012 15:17 Go to previous messageGo to next message

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13759

I somehow suspect folk who read those here may simply read, as so many do, and pass onwards. If you would like to assemble an anthology of vignettes such as these I'll be happy to look at them once you are happy with them, with a view to their appearing in the site.

That isn't a promise of publication, you understand. It's a promise to consider them for publication.

Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: My first story  [message #67092 is a reply to message #67086] Tue, 09 October 2012 01:29 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29

Thank you Smile, I'm still all new to writing and stuff, and it's weird. No other word to use lol.

Once i've finished a story i've been working on i'll consider emailing you Smile. Thank you.

I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
Re: My first story  [message #67158 is a reply to message #67057] Thu, 08 November 2012 19:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
solsticeman is currently offline  solsticeman

Likes it here

Registered: November 2012
Messages: 109

Hey, that's a great first story... you got the kids right and their uncertainties came over beautifully. You had a new angle to view them from and that was nice. So... keep at it, you have a voice and we would love to hear more of it.


Re: My first story  [message #67166 is a reply to message #67158] Sun, 11 November 2012 07:44 Go to previous message
Pulsar132 is currently offline  Pulsar132

Getting started
Location: Kent
Registered: September 2012
Messages: 29

Hey Jeff Smile,

Thanks for the nice comments Smile When i've done a few and feel confident enough i might look at speaking to Timmy about them coming on here... Maybe/

I'll update with some wise words of wisdom when i can think of something....[/center]
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