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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > Literary Merit > A Leaf In the Wind [My first story]
A Leaf In the Wind [My first story]  [message #67164] Fri, 09 November 2012 19:11 Go to next message
xxdogluvxx is currently offline  xxdogluvxx

Getting started

Registered: November 2012
Messages: 1



[Chap 1]
My name was Merlin. One day in the town I lived in named Forgal, a new boy named Henry moved into town. The way we met was really... weird actually. I really love to fish. It was 1927 and I didn't have any friends. I was fishing and he came up to me.
"Hi" He said.
Startled, I screamed, and fell into the lake I was fishing in.
I came back up and said "BUGGAR! DON'T YOU KNOW NOT TO STARTLE PEOPLE WHILE THEY ARE-"
I stopped and saw the startled and sad look on his face.
"I am sorry... Your new. We got off to a bad start. My name is Merlin Faroth, you?"
Still startled, he stammered "He-he-he-Henry. Henry Treg is my name."
I climbed out of the water, and he offered a hand for help. I tugged, and when I got up he nearly fell in himself. I caught him though, and he came back up straight to my face, like he was about to kiss me. (Damn... he is cute... WAIT. What the hell am I thinking?) We both blushed and pulled away.
He then started "I am sorry Merlin, I come from America. I didn't mean to startle you and make you fly into the lake. I really mean it. I am sorry that-"
"Woaaahh! Stop there. You don't need to apologize. It was a accident. Besides, I nearly tugged you into the water myself." I said.
"Besides, what did you come here to say anyways?" I said right after.
He seemed to loosen up and talk with me more easily now. "I really don't have anyone to talk to in this town. It is very small. I like small though, kind of like dogs. You kn-"
"Woah. Stop. You talk way to much. Listen, maybe there are some people who like to be impressed, but you don't have to impress me. Come on, I have caught enough fish for some money. Why not come to the market with me?"
He slowly nodded, and proceeded with me as we went to the market.
He was like a leaf in the wind, he was so delicate yet has traveled so far...
[End Chap. 1]
Re: A Leaf In the Wind [My first story]  [message #67165 is a reply to message #67164] Fri, 09 November 2012 19:47 Go to previous message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13592



Thank you for posting this. I always like to encourage new authors. I'd like to share this thought with you: there has been no time for character development. We are in and out again so fast that we have barely had time to breathe. This hinders the story development somewhat, and makes it hard for us to decide to read further.

I would like to suggest you breathe out and then in again and slow down. There is so much more to learn about these two before the chapter closes.

[Updated on: Fri, 09 November 2012 19:55]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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