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Help: friend abused as a kid  [message #70111] Fri, 14 August 2015 10:58 Go to next message
hillage is currently offline  hillage

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Location: USA
Registered: July 2015
Messages: 8



Hi guys. I come seeking some advice today.

A friend of mine (yes, actually a friend) was sexually abused as a kid. I don't know much of the details besides that it was a close friend of his at the time. He went to counseling at a later time for his anger problems, and I assume spoke about the abuse then, but his parents and nearly all friends are unaware. Lately he has been having rough times, nightmares, etc. He has turned to drinking more often to help him deal with it.

He is currently trying to see a therapist, however (he has told me) they have not called him back for any more info, and he is very reluctant to talk to anybody else.

Any advice on how I can help him, or anything to say if it gets brought up in conversation?

- some notes: this friend of mine is very straight, however he has mentioned he would question his sexual identity if the abuse never happened. Also: he recently told his grandmother, and she was crying while discussing the subject with him. This had a bit of an effect on him, and he blames himself for making her cry, etc, and has been drinking more lately because of this.

Any advice here would be much appreciated. I want to help him in whatever way possible.

[Updated on: Fri, 14 August 2015 10:59]

Re: Help: friend abused as a kid  [message #70113 is a reply to message #70111] Fri, 14 August 2015 12:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Kitzyma is currently offline  Kitzyma

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Registered: March 2012
Messages: 215



I know that there are organisations here in the UK that are set up to help people abused as kids.
e.g. Survivors On the Net, Survivors UK, etc.
Presumably such organisations also exist in the USA.

Perhaps you could find a similar organisation located close to you and/or your friend. (a search for 'survivors of sexual abuse' got the UK links for me).

Has your friend tried contacting such a group?

Even if you don't want to suggest such organisations to him, maybe if you were to look at such sites it might help you to get an idea how to handle things.

A caveat:
About 2-3 years ago, a guy I went to school with got in touch and wanted to know if I knew about certain teachers at the school. He was abused and raped by one teacher and then abused by another teacher in whom he confided. I had to admit to him that apart from some very vague rumours, I had no idea that such things might have been happening.

Anyway, I tried to help in a long exchange of emails. As it happens, he's mainly straight (with two kids) but occasionally has anonymous gay sex. To cut a long story short, I think my attempts at encouragement and advice might have gone wrong because after a few months, contact was broken and I never heard from him after that. Probably, in my ignorance, I screwed up.

So that's why I'd encourage you to try to contact an organisation with experience (or at least study their sites), and that you suggest that he contact them, before trying to help directly. Obviously, though, it would be good if you were just 'there' for him to offer general emotional support.
Re: Help: friend abused as a kid  [message #70114 is a reply to message #70111] Fri, 14 August 2015 13:22 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13738



"Quote:"
hillage wrote on Fri, 14 August 2015 11:58Hi guys. I come seeking some advice today.

A friend of mine (yes, actually a friend) was sexually abused as a kid. I don't know much of the details besides that it was a close friend of his at the time. He went to counseling at a later time for his anger problems, and I assume spoke about the abuse then, but his parents and nearly all friends are unaware. Lately he has been having rough times, nightmares, etc. He has turned to drinking more often to help him deal with it.

He is currently trying to see a therapist, however (he has told me) they have not called him back for any more info, and he is very reluctant to talk to anybody else.

Any advice on how I can help him, or anything to say if it gets brought up in conversation?

- some notes: this friend of mine is very straight, however he has mentioned he would question his sexual identity if the abuse never happened. Also: he recently told his grandmother, and she was crying while discussing the subject with him. This had a bit of an effect on him, and he blames himself for making her cry, etc, and has been drinking more lately because of this.

Any advice here would be much appreciated. I want to help him in whatever way possible.

--
There are many things that come into play here, not least of which is his age today and his age when the incidents took place. The home environment is important as is the place, the society, in which he lives.

The primary thing to make sure he knows is this: none of this is his fault

This is the hardest thing to accept.

The next thing to know is that our bodies are primed to achieve orgasm and sexual enjoyment whether we wish for that particular sexual 'adventure' or not. Reaching orgasm during unwanted sexual activity makes one feel let down, but nothing could be further from the case. If he became erect, if he had an orgasm, that is just his body on autopilot. He had no control over it and it is nothing to be at all upset about. Takes a while to realsie and internalise that, though

It may be that the initial overtures made to him were in some manner welcome. A cuddle when he needed it, for example, is a good thing. The bad thing is that the other person decided to go further. Being very clear, if he, for example, enjoyed a hg or a cuddle, that does nto mean that he gave consent for anything else. Anything else that happened against his wishes is not his fault.

If he was young and the other person was older, it is the older person's job not to do anything he did not wish. If that person was an adult that adult is the only person at fault by definition. This is true even if he consented to some or all of whatever took place. Children need to be able to trust adults.

Even(!) a adult can be sexually abused. No means no. Lack of yes means no. Unable to consent when incapacitated from drink means no.

He did not make his grandmother cry. What happened to him was what made her cry, and the person who abused him made her cry.

There is so much more to say, but to say more means one has to know more. He may be unable or unwilling to speak about what has happened. That's kind of ok, but he does need to talk to someone, perhaps you as a caring friend, perhaps a perfect stranger, perhaps a therapist.

[Updated on: Fri, 14 August 2015 13:24]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Help: friend abused as a kid  [message #70116 is a reply to message #70111] Fri, 14 August 2015 18:51 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Mark

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Registered: April 2013
Messages: 275



I may be wrong on this (never having been in counseling myself), but it should be, in part, the responsibility of the individual to make sure (working together with the therapist and his/her staff) to set up future appointments, so I'm personally a bit puzzled by the idea that your friend is evidently sitting around waiting for the therapist to contact him for information on what happened (if I'm understanding correctly what you've said).  He should be taking the initiative to make sure both that he has an initial appointment with a competent therapist (and if he has a general practitioner physician that he sees for general checkup, he can contact the doctor's office for a list of therapists in the area that they recommend for such things - also assure your friend that such a request will be be kept strictly confidential by the doctor's office!) and then set up an initial appointment with that therapist (and to, at the end of every appointment, also make sure to set up the next appointment).
Re: Help: friend abused as a kid  [message #70117 is a reply to message #70116] Fri, 14 August 2015 22:09 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13738



"Mark wrote on Fri, 14 August 2015 19:51"
I may be wrong on this (never having been in counseling myself), but it should be, in part, the responsibility of the individual to make sure (working together with the therapist and his/her staff) to set up future appointments, so I'm personally a bit puzzled by the idea that your friend is evidently sitting around waiting for the therapist to contact him for information on what happened (if I'm understanding correctly what you've said).  He should be taking the initiative to make sure both that he has an initial appointment with a competent therapist (and if he has a general practitioner physician that he sees for general checkup, he can contact the doctor's office for a list of therapists in the area that they recommend for such things - also assure your friend that such a request will be be kept strictly confidential by the doctor's office!) and then set up an initial appointment with that therapist (and to, at the end of every appointment, also make sure to set up the next appointment).

--
I'd missed that.

Therapy is a two way street. Therapists work best with folk who walk determinedly towards them. He most definitely needs to be proactive in setting the meetings up.

Another point is trust. Apart from totally distrusting a therapist, something that will ensure the sessions fail, one either chooses to trust the therapist at the outset and saves a lot of time, or one waits to build the relationship over several sessions.

I have done it both ways. It was far more productive when I simply chose to trust. It did, however, bewilder the therapist, who was waiting for the dance of "Do you trust me yet?" I had to tell him I had decided to trust him!



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Help: friend abused as a kid  [message #70119 is a reply to message #70111] Sat, 15 August 2015 01:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Ray is currently offline  Ray

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Location: Sydney, Australia
Registered: July 2014
Messages: 26



Finally something where I feel I can help.

I am a member of a support group for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse, but it is in Australia, so that is less useful for your friend. I would definitely suggest finding a similar group close to his home, and to help him do so could be the most valuable contribution you can make. Timmy is right that it is important that he understands that it is not his fault, but just telling him so will be water off a duck's back: he will hear the words but not their meaning. He needs to go much deeper than this.

From my own experience, it is a mixture of assistance that helps most. I have been to private one-on-one therapists, group therapy amongst survivors and also groups which were not aimed at survivors. The value of being able to talk to other survivors cannot be underestimated. I have twice attended groups for survivors that consist of eight meetings, once a week, which are set up as follows (quote copied in from my own book - still at the manuscript stage): "(1) getting started breaking the secrecy; (2) childhood my family; (3) my story as much or as little as feels right; (4) the emotional hangover shame, guilt and anger; (5) sexuality masculinity and gender issues; (6) ways of coping; (7) the effects of abuse on later relationships; (Cool where to now?" From these, you see that gender confusion is given a whole week - it is one of the commonest issues arising from abuse.

The most common reaction after the meetings amongst people new to them is a feeling of relief - it is so important to realise that there are others who think and feel the same way. In such meetings, your buddy will feel safe to tell and talk as much or as little as he wants. The emphasis is on feeling safe to talk, and so there are ground rules on how to establish this safety. I would like to mention one here in response to questions and comments that have already arisen in this thread: Use "I-form" language - don't ever tell a survivor what he should do as it can be interpreted in a negative "pull yourself together" way, which unfortunately is the most common reaction victims experience when they try to start telling people about what happened. He has probably kept secrets for many years and so reactions such as "but that was years ago, get over it, will you" are the worst things he can hear.
It may surprise you to learn that there is such a heavy taboo on this subject that the average time that passes before men "come out" as having been abused is more than 20 years. This means that the psychological scars are deep and depression is rife. I had to find my way out of a maze of re-interpretations of my past, but what I was treated for from of psychiatric point of view was depression and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) for which I initially had scores similar to war veterans. It helped - I don't have PTSD any more - I am out on psychological parole.

Regarding therapists: discussions in groups and what I have read in books show that there are many therapists out there who do not help at all. They have different specialities just like plumbers - you wouldn't get a toilet specialist in to lay your underfloor heating. So find a support centre first and have them recommend therapists who have extensive experience in child abuse cases. Don't choose just any therapist, and I wouldn't trust a GP's recommendation either - go to the experts. My own GP came to the conclusion that I needed therapy because of my bad conscience for "putting my family in danger" ("everybody knows" that the average number of sex partners for gays is around 2,500). Make sure the therapist knows from the outset what the problem is. There are cases where therapy goes on for weeks and months without the therapists understanding what lies behind it.

I could go on for ever, but I will close on an important point: Do not expect your friend to be pro-active in this. Help him find the qualified help he needs; that would be more valuable than anything you say to try help console him. He DEFINITELY needs to talk about it: I am convinced that all survivors need to feel free to talk to a variety of people about it. That is when recovery starts.

Good luck.
You are welcome to take up private contact if you wish.





Re: Help: friend abused as a kid  [message #70122 is a reply to message #70111] Sun, 16 August 2015 06:36 Go to previous message
hillage is currently offline  hillage

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Location: USA
Registered: July 2015
Messages: 8



I can't thank you guys enough for the help. I'll do some research and see what is in the area. We have had small chats as he feels comfortable, but plan on having a full conversation in the next few days when we both have time. I will show up prepared, and will make sure he gets in to see a therapist and/or support group.

Once again thank you so much. I don't know what I would do without the advice. I'll keep you guys updated Smile
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