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Blue Can of Paint  [message #74535] Sun, 08 July 2018 09:09 Go to next message
Trask Guy

Getting started
Location: A Huge Island on Earth
Registered: June 2018
Messages: 2

Hey Everyone,
This is my first time posting on the forum. A newbie, I guess. I found this site several weeks ago, while doing a search for "speedo boys" photos on the internet. One of the photos referenced back to a post titled, "Total Inspiration".  I initially looked over the pages of boys with great delight and lust, but soon my interest in the site spread to other areas.  Where I found my first taste of erotic gay stories. I glanced through the different challenges in the index. I started with "In His Room" because the photo just seemed to pull me in. I read the story "Star Light, Star Bright" first. WOW, what a read! I related to both characters in different ways, but see my personality and interests more on par with Benny. I have read several more stories and the Sex/Health Info page over the last several weeks. I find myself wishing I could write a story like the ones I have read!

Well... I have tried writing this post several times, but then I can't go thru with it and delete it. This last attempt at writing this post, I thought of this analogy, about these old feelings. These feelings are like an old can of paint sitting on a shelf. The color of the paint are these feelings. I didn't like the color and was worried of what others would think of them as well. So... I put the can on the back of the shelf, hidden away.  The pigments and solids began to settle to the bottom, suppressed. With the chaulky, watery liquids at the surface, being my feelings of relationships of any type.  Then, I stumble upon this site, and it begins to stir up some old feelings, concerns and confusion!?

As I have written this several times, I have questioned, why am I even sharing this with strangers across the internet? Well... I think it's because I want to share it with somebody. And I really don't have anyone close, that I trust to share it with. So... I know this is a rather long post, but those that read it to the end, I am very grateful to!


I am a 31 year old male; actually it is my birthday today. It's kind of ironic to me that I am thinking about this and writing this on my birthday, instead of partying. When I think of it that way, I feel kind of lonely. Anyway's, I am 6 feet tall and grossly, overweight. I live in my disabled mother's home and take care of her and her daily needs, because she can't walk very well. My favorite hobby is gardening - anything with plants.

We have to go back many years to about 5th grade, to better understand what makes me who I am or why I haven't faced my sexuality; heck relationships for that matter. I went to a private, Christian school thru 7th grade. I was a social boy, playing on the playground, you know doing all the normal things kids do. My best friend, best bud was Joshua. We did everything together: Fishing, hiking, biking, sleepovers, you name it, we did it. Obviously, at that age, I don't think there was any attraction that described a gay relationship. It was just a honest age related, best buds friendship. But, than during summer vacation after 5th grade, his parents moved there family a crossed country for his dad's new job. I was devastated! I have never been as emotionally vested in a best friends relationship since. 

Just like other boys in my class, I began to talk to, flirt with, even "date" girls during the 6th, 7th, and 8th grades. Sure I felt the attraction to them. I kissed a girl and liked it at the time. Wanted to please them and give them little things. But, guess what happened to three of them. They moved away just like my best friend had to.  I was beginning to wonder what the heck, all the people I have liked leave me!

When 9th grade rolled around, I changed schools. I began going to a public high school. It was such a huge change for me. I didn't know anyone. Socially it was different with "clicks" and a much larger division between grades. Then the straw that broke the camels back for my interest in human relationships happened. My parents got a divorce that winter. I knew things weren't perfect between them, but I never thought that would ever happen. It was hard times for everyone involved! At that point, I decided I would not get married - ever.

Sure, I had "school friends". You know the ones you meet up with before school, at lunch, or in class, but I only went over to one of these friends house once. Basically what I'm trying to say is I distanced myself from most friendships. I have not "dated" a girl since 8th grade. I have not had any friends outside of school either. I'm not saying I became completely antisocial; more like I was distancing my emotions from friends. And always too busy to meet up after school.

Now this is where that can of paint on the shelf starts to fit into the story. Grades 9th and 10th were quite preoccupied with coping with a new school, schoolwork, and family changes. But in my 11th grade English class I met this boy named David, who one day became my assigned group work buddy. (Oh boy, here comes that blue-colored paint!) I thought he was sooo cute! Oh! Those blue eyes! Those brown, almost black, bushy eyebrows! That would scrunch up when he was trying to find an answer. That smile, when I would joke about the teacher. Oh boy! Did I mention those fury legs?!     "WAIT...  I...JUST THOUGHT ABOUT A BOY THIS WAY! What the F... I'm not gay, I liked girls. Right? Sure!" Well long story short, I never did anything about this. Though sometimes I would just admire him from afar. Well, you know, from the seat next to his! The next concerning part that happened to me was the first time David ended up in my masturbation fantasy. Well you can imagine - Oh, boy!?!?

During the remainder of high school, a change in how I looked at boys did begin to evolve. Features of their face, their hair, their torso, any bare skin, all began to excite me a little. But keep in mind, I never once acted on any of this. I tried to keep all glances etc inconspicuous as possible. No one ever called me gay or a fag. I really was frightened of this. That paint can was put on the back of the shelf. I finished out high school, and left all "friends" as distant memories. Never to be spoken to again, except for our occasional paths crossing at the grocery.

Not to much has changed in the twelve plus years since high school. Just the usual growing up, adult stuff takes over. The only thing that has changed is that the masturbation fantasies are primarily gay oriented.

I have kind of been on auto pilot since I shelved that blue can of paint years ago; not really facing my sexuality or making any friendships. But this site has stirred that can. I have been analyzing my life and where it is headed if there is no change. It has made me increasingly lonely over the last several weeks. After my family dies off, than who will I be left with?

Growing up as a Christian and trying to live a Christian life makes me feel like I am repeatedly sinning. And let's just say I was going to come out of the closet as a gay man, how would my Christian, homophobic family take it? Will I go to hell?

As you can see that blue can of paint is stirred up and filled with feelings, concerns, and confusion. Those that read it to the end, thanks for listening! My guess is you may hear more from me as I sort this out.
Re: Blue Can of Paint  [message #74536 is a reply to message #74535] Sun, 08 July 2018 09:21 Go to previous messageGo to next message

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13759

The very best thing you have done is to commit this to the care of strangers by writing it out and by having the courage to post it.

There is a welter of advice that people may wish to give you, and the best thing with advice is that you look at it hard until you understand it and then accept or reject it with a good heart.

I detect a sadness with your weight. This is under your control provided it makes you sad enough to choose to change things. I became upset enough over my own weight to change my diet. I am never hungry, but I eat better foods, and have dropped 18 kilos in under a year. I have 10 more to go. It is not a diet, it is just omission of almost all carbohydrates, replacing them with green vegetables. Hate veg? Find some you like!!!

You live in your mother's home, you care for her needs, yet you worry whether she will accept your homosexuality.

There is a disconnect here. She needs you. Looks like, if she wants your continued care she's got to accept you as the son she raised whatever your sexuality. Otherwise no care!

What is a "Christian Life"? Think hard about that. Is it a thing you happen to do, or does it have to be worn as a badge of office? Do you have faith for yourself, or for your neighbours? Do you have faith or do you follow a set of religious habits and practices?

Oh, writing. You can write. You just wrote what is in your heart.

[Updated on: Sun, 08 July 2018 09:28]

Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Blue Can of Paint  [message #74537 is a reply to message #74535] Sun, 08 July 2018 10:32 Go to previous messageGo to next message
NW is currently offline  NW

On fire!
Location: Worcester, England
Registered: January 2005
Messages: 1560

Hi Trask Guy

thanks for posting that - I know it must have been difficult to share. There's a lot in there, and I hope that various of the "regular" posters here can pick up on assorted bits of it, and perhaps give you a few lines of thought. It sounds as though you've reached one of those points where you're re-evaluating your life and considering future directions (many of us have them several times in a lifetime), and that may be no bad thing.

You say you "live in my disabled mother's home and take care of her and her daily needs, because she can't walk very well". All credit to you for this: it's an important aspect of being a family. I hope you're also managing to get some "you" time away from the house. I think it's really important to get out and have an occasional break, even if it means complicated arrangements about having someone else there to cover for any needs. I certainly found it so during the years I was carer for my "young companion" (a lad with multiple needs, now sadly deceased). Sometimes that can feel like ratting out on one's obligations, but I think it's a vital part of keeping one's balance.

Religion is obviously a worry for you: "Growing up as a Christian and trying to live a Christian life makes me feel like I am repeatedly sinning.". Well, of course, we all sin all the time in our daily lives, but as I'm sure you know, there's a very wide diversity of views among different brands of "Christian" as to whether being gay is any kind of sin or not. Here in the UK, my perception is that there's a growing consensus among different Churches that being gay is not in iteslf a problem, and that while using others for pleasure is wrong, same-sex sex in the context of a committed relationship is a natural expression of love. Sadly, parishioners and "bums on pews" seem to be a bit in advance of Church leaders on this one!

I don't know if it's possible for you to explore different Churches, and their views on this, or whether family will keep you to the church you currently attend. There's a lot of good stuff on the net, as well, of course. One story, which I know several people have found helpful, is http://awesomedude.com/pertinaxcarrus/bryce/index.htm It's from a strictly Roman Catholic viewpoint, which may be a bit offputting, but it's also a cracking good read while raising all kinds of things to stop and think about.

Please do keep posting here if you find it helpful. Often, just writing thoughts down can help clarify them, regardless of any feedback from others.

"Happy Birthday" may seem a bit trite, but in the sense that it sounds as though you're starting to think about making changes, its probably appropriate. And, by the way, I'm also a keen gardener - this morning's great excitement was that the first of my tomatoes is starting to show blushes of red so will be ready to pick in a few days.

Best wishes.

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
Re: Blue Can of Paint  [message #74542 is a reply to message #74535] Wed, 11 July 2018 08:38 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Trask Guy

Getting started
Location: A Huge Island on Earth
Registered: June 2018
Messages: 2

Hi Guys,

Where to begin? My mind seems like a whorling mess of thoughts. A couple of people have snapped me back to reality and asked what'cha thinking about? I think NW has a good suggestion, to write it out. Sorry if it comes out jumbled.

First, I want to thank you both for your responses! As I have been reading through the posts on the site, I found myself googling a word here and there to find there meaning. I've never even heard of some of them. Definitely must be an English thing? IE: welter, trite, todgers, bruvvers.

Timmy, you will be happy to know, I have started a new lifestyle to lose weight. I don't really want to call it a diet per se, because one it is more than that and two I hope it will become habit and last. I was already planning to start the day after my b-day, when I wrote the last post. My biggest challenge is reducing the sugar intake and reducing overall portions. Then add some walking and weightlifting. When I was younger I enjoyed both those. I have smaller initial goals, but my ultimate goal is to get down to 175 lbs.

I don't want to start a debate or argument over God and homosexuality.  I did mention it in my first post because it is a serious concern of mine. I need to spend more time researching this and discussing it with someone. I have no more answers than before. I will say, I sent an anonymous email to the pastor of my church asking questions about this subject. I thought I knew what he would say, but he hasn't even responded. Just to clarify, I am a Christian. I believe in God the Father, He sent his only Son, Jesus Christ to die on the cross to wipe our sins away. There is the holy spirit. I believe there is a heaven and a hell. I belong to a non-denominational church. It's the Trinity and God's word-the bible and me. My faith in Jesus is important to me. I do need to explore this more.

While I have been research, there is one thing I have heard Christian people say that has me thinking back on my life. They say, "God didn't make them gay. Gays made a choice to be gay." (Paraphrased) The problem I have with that comment is when did I ever make a decision to be this way? No, I didn't just wake up one day, make a decision and say, "I'm gay!". As I remember it, I slowly started noticing boys in a different light. Some how they just started to look...beautiful. I can't think of any outside forces that would have influenced my attraction toward boys. No friend experimentation etc. But having a truly homophobic father and brother and the general idea that it was wrong, I tried to suppress it. Well, that hasn't worked very well, either. So.... if God didn't make me this way.........?

NW, won't those fresh homegrown  'mators taste soooo goood! I didn't go into to much detail about my gardening last time. I am actually certified master gardener. I used to own and operate my own garden nursery. We grew 90% of what we sold! Seed, cuttings, divisions, grafts you name it. I loved it! Maybe not the paperwork. :<;) But then we had to close down after some liability issue. That is also a contributing factor to my weight. Went from working and eating like a horse to sitting on my arse all depressed and eating junk. Anyway, these last two and a half years I have been re landscaping my Mom's yard. I have planted 13 fruit trees, 6 blueberry bushes, 8 table grape vines, 26'x30' vegetable garden area, 27 roses, many perennials, and a few annual baskets. Installed a duck pond for my 4 ducks. I am now starting some retaining wall stones. My hope is to find some time to get the drip irrigation system in this year, but ?. Needless to say, if you or anyone ever needed gardening advice, I'm here. This morning I had to chuckle because for the first time I used the word gay in a comment that reflected on me. I had an idea that we could start a separate help forum and call it the "Gay Gardeners".

I have loads more questions and thoughts, but I'm going to sleep!
Re: Blue Can of Paint  [message #74544 is a reply to message #74542] Wed, 11 July 2018 18:44 Go to previous messageGo to next message

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13759

God, if it exists at all, is said to be infallible. Thus, if one believes that, one must conclude that it makes no mistakes. This lack of mistake making includes the choices made by the people it creates, the more so since it is stated to be all powerful, and all knowing.

Believers cannot pick and choose what they believe. Were we to assume that homosexuality were a choice, it follows that one can also say with absolute certainty that one's infallible deity created the choice and thus the homosexuality.  Those who gainsay this are, surely, cherry picking what they believe. Those who cherry pick beliefs are apostates, are they not? For one either believes all, or believes none.

I say this not to create a deity vs no deity argument. Your faith is important to you. I state it simply to show the mental gymnastics that are performed in the name of a deity in order to seek to justify an untenable position

Christianity has, at its core, the deity of the Jews, albeit that deity of somewhat different in perosnality form the deity of the new testamant. Nonetheless please examine "Dear David" a very technical read. This treatise was instrumental in the ordination in the Masorti (Conservative) movement of Judasim of LGBT Rabbis.

[Updated on: Wed, 11 July 2018 18:44]

Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Blue Can of Paint  [message #74962 is a reply to message #74544] Sat, 06 October 2018 21:24 Go to previous message

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13759

How are you doing?

Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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