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Love and sex  [message #67930] Sun, 25 August 2013 12:56 Go to next message
Kitzyma is currently offline  Kitzyma

Likes it here

Registered: March 2012
Messages: 219

Suppose A and B are in love.
A has a very low sex drive and thinks that once or twice per month is ideal. B has a much higher sex drive and thinks that once per day is ideal.

Because they are in love, they decide that sex isn't so important and that things will work out fine. As it happens, a sort of compromise evolves and they end up having sex about once per week. Over time, A feels that weekly sex is a duty he performs out of love, but because it is a duty, he doesn't enjoy it.

On the other hand, B not only feels frustrated because of the low frequency of sex but also doesn't enjoy it so much when he does have it. This is because he feels guilty because he can tell that A is only doing it out of duty.

After a couple of years the sense of imposed duty, guilt and frustration build up, putting a strain on their relationship. Love begins to fade.

Apart from splitting up and finding partners who are more sexually compatible, is there a solution to their problem?

Re: Love and sex  [message #67931 is a reply to message #67930] Sun, 25 August 2013 13:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13759

There is. It is called grin and bear it, otherwise known as marriage, an institution in which sex becomes irrelevant because no matter how often one wants it, the other doesn't do it any more. Stick at it long enough and it just hurts and becomes very lonely. Such is marriage.

[Updated on: Sun, 25 August 2013 13:55]

Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Love and sex  [message #67936 is a reply to message #67930] Mon, 26 August 2013 05:49 Go to previous messageGo to next message
dgt224 is currently offline  dgt224

Toe is in the water
Location: USA
Registered: May 2011
Messages: 81

Or they can decide that it is acceptable to separate love and sex - B can engage in sexual activity outside the partnership under conditions acceptable to both as needed. (This is somewhat more likely to be successful in gay relationships, where there is a much lower risk of unintended pregnancy when B engages in sex outside the partnership.) However, if they have already reached the point described, that is unlikely to be successful. If A doesn't get pleasure from satisfying B, sufficient to move that far off A's ideal frequency, then "in love" is probably a somewhat optimistic description of the relationship. B could also be introduced to the pleasures of masturbation, which can be an excellent way to reduce sexual tension when other outlets are unavailable for any reason. This supposes, of course, that A values the love relationship enough to put it ahead of personal pride in being able to satisfy all of B's needs. If either of them insists that all sex must be between the two of them, the relationship is doomed; see "marriage."
Re: Love and sex  [message #67939 is a reply to message #67936] Tue, 27 August 2013 01:58 Go to previous messageGo to next message
JoeWriterMan is currently offline  JoeWriterMan

Getting started
Location: United States
Registered: September 2010
Messages: 20

My wife and I made it work for 27 years... good Lord, had she not died in 2000, we would have been married for 40 years this past June (yeah, she was June bride).  "The Secret" (me gay, she straight) was out for the last 10 years of our marriage.

It was her who suggested that I go out there to figure out what gay sex is all about, to get, become, or whatever else one can call 'fulfilled'.

On the night that I was to leave our home, go out and party, to get totally trashed laid by a guy (more than once) - I couldn't do it.  I couldn't go.

Why couldn't I go, you may ask?

Just because.  I couldn't do it to her or to me, or to our children.  That was the same night I decided my needs were not more important than hers.

So we just let the cards fall as they may.  We came to find out that our choice in men was nearly the same, which made for interesting conversation at malls and supermarkets.  We had an absolute blast going to the drag shows, gay bars, and she even walked with me in the gay pride festivals.  In 1995, we were a part of the crowd that descended on Topeka, Kansas for their first pride festival.  A fag hag she was!  She had just as much fun as did I.

That's what we concentrated our attentions on - the fun part of our relationship.  We had other issues at home... like the fucking bills, mortage payments, kids in braces (both at the same time), noisy neighbors, working long hours to make everything happen... you get the picture.

But... that is not all.  Before you go off and think that we had this totally and completely idyallic relationship - we'd, earlier in our marriage, had some very, very serious issues.  First of all, I was lying, I was pushing her away in bed... she was blaming herself for my lack of 'interest', and I was blaming her for my lack of interest - in that she wasn't a man.  It was all quite selfish, actually.  A dumb assed (heh) therapist told us that we were putting our own selfish needs over our relationship, and that we needed to decide whether to shit or get off the pot.  He said we had everything we needed to succeed... we just needed to experiment, and that nobody could do it for us - he sent us on our way, and that was that... with him.

Not a day goes by that I do not think about her in some way.  Maybe I'll see a really cute guy, somebody that I want to fuck the brains out of.  I snicker. About five years after her death, I ventured out there in the dating world, fucked a few brains out, and got my brains likewise treated, had a ball, and then at the end of the day decided I not want to be out there fucking just to be fucking.

My unasked for advice is to just settle into the relationship, make no demands on your mate, share deep intimacy, come up with things that works for your partner to make him feel special, stop putting pressure on the sex... a good love making session lasts what...an hour, maybe two, maybe 10 minutes... and that leaves 22-23 hours and 50 minutes of the day to build on what you DO have. Think positive.  Do positive.

Be well.
Re: Love and sex  [message #67941 is a reply to message #67939] Tue, 27 August 2013 03:49 Go to previous message
TheStig is currently offline  TheStig

Getting started
Location: Maryland, USA
Registered: August 2013
Messages: 14


That's an awesome message dude!
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