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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13772
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Yesterday, Breaking Point arrived in my inbox. Today it is on the site. I've read it a number of times. I'm interested in what you make of it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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ivor slipper
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2013
Messages: 128
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I first read this elsewhere and have now read it again here. It is a story that merits being read more than once in order to grasp all that is happening.
Initially I struggled to understand how a boy with such many major problems in his life could have such deep thoughts and be capable of expressing them in that way. But that was largely explained when he exited from school as the Valedictorian.
There were a couple of time issues. At one point the narrator refers to the Homecoming Dance as being a few weeks ago, but then meets his boyfriend on the second Monday after the dance, although just prior to that he says he was lucky not to run into him for most of the week after the dance.
Minor matters I know, but for me they did mar the story a little.
Overall though it is definitely a thought provoking tale.
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Sadly, it lost me around paragraph 10. The change from "you" to "he" (and subsequently back again) was something I didn't get, and there were times I had to re-read sentences that I found opaque. I did persevere to the end, but it wasn't really my cup of tea, though obviously others find more in it than I do.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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joecasey
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Toe is in the water |
Location: American Midwest
Registered: December 2017
Messages: 44
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A very rough first draft - in need of a good editor - of a promising story that deserves more attention. The story needs more room to grow, perhaps into a longer short story or a novella. There is perhaps an "embarrassment of riches" in the number of troubles besetting the main character; they seem rather confined in a story of about 2200 words. Writing in second person is tricky; I've tried it, in a story I submitted to this site. I like it for the immediacy it lends to a story, but it demands careful attention to detail and editing. Perhaps in future we'll see a tighter, cleaner version of this tale that could prove very compelling.
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Aside from a few spelling or gramatical problems that most stories on sites like this seem to have, with the exception those authors among us with more than amature ability, this is a tale worth reading. Bravo to the author for this one. Good job.
It caught my attention and held it. Building on itself in a way that compounded the desperation of the protagonist, pulling the reader in to feel his despair. For those of us who've found ourselves in similar desperate straights, this story speaks to us in ways that perhaps those who've not been there cannot relate to in any tangible way.
“There's no grays, only white that's got grubby. I'm surprised you don't know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That's what sin is.” - Terry Pratchett
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Geron Kees
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: February 2016
Messages: 151
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I also see a lot of potential in this story, in this author. There are a lot of ideas in a very small space here. Almost overwhelming amounts. It needs more room to work in.
Other than a few mechanical aspects (especially perspective) of the writing that can be addressed without much trouble, I feel like the good Doc has given us a very decent little story here.
I hope there will be more! :)
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"Geron Kees wrote on Mon, 23 August 2021 09:23"I also see a lot of potential in this story, in this author. There are a lot of ideas in a very small space here. Almost overwhelming amounts. It needs more room to work in.
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From my perspective this tale fits very well with the concept of flash fiction. Ben's description above is almost the quintessential definition of flash fiction as I've come to understand it. PerhPs the tale was not specifically written with flash in mind but maybe it was. It's perhaps a tad bit longer that flash but then I've seen definitions of flash and suggested maximum word counts for it that this story would fit within.
“There's no grays, only white that's got grubby. I'm surprised you don't know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. That's what sin is.” - Terry Pratchett
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cole parker
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Toe is in the water |
Location: California
Registered: July 2018
Messages: 39
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I found it quite powerful. I wish it had been edited before being submitted as that would have made it sing rather than hum. I didn't have the problems with it some others here have mentioned. I think it's the right length for what he wanted to say. And I found it well-imagined. Good job.
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