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brian
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 60
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hi
i'm surprised i even remembered the password. well here i am, welcome me with open arms now...no that's ironic.
actually i'm only stopping by...in case someone remembers me...i've been wandering about on this messageboards before i decided that i felt more comfortable elsewhere. and revised my decision a few times and well, have spent my time online in the same places for quite a while now, i believe.
but i thought i could be polite. and say hello. i don't expect anyone to jump up and down, i'm not worth that really, but it's bad conscience, i guess, that makes me do it. although it's common strategy online, i believe, to simply leave without a word.
i'm back here because i was reminded of this world. a member of one of teh boards i am on posted about Justin's death. I didn't even know he knew him, I didn't even know he has been, must have been in this world more or less, but it pulled me back a bit. made me re-think a few things.
i'm not going to go back to posting here regularly, but i am still okay. i wanted you to know that.
I haven't changed much in the past, i believe. i'm still pretty much the same person who is liked by some, hated by others (especially for comments criticizing certain politics). I'm still a guy...or at least almost, so i still feel that way, i still feel the same way about certain kinds of sex (do i need to elaborate?) and i'm doing all in all okay.
i have no idea whether i was still posting here when the last significant changes happened, but i have been seeing a psych for about a year now and she is quite good. it's merely counseling and i get to know stuff about myself. i wouldn't want more than that, i suppose and more than that wouldn't go all that fine with me, but i'm feeling good, being able to talk to someone who'll just listen. In friendships you are part of something, in friendships it's giving and taking and that's quite alright like that. but i guess it feels good that there is a way where you're allowed to merely spill everything onto the therapist and he doesn't expect something back. the sessions are sometimes real good, sometimes draining, sometimes shit, truth can hurt, you know.
i'm not out to my parents a d it also won't happen for quite soem time, but i'm out to all of my close friends. all of them accept it and really get used to the idea as they're now becoming comfortable with it, can joke about it and remember it actually.
as i said...i'm okay. there are periods that are real sucky, there are times that i'm pretty much seriously depressed, can't sleep, don't eat, feel like everything's useless, self-harm can become a topic then, but those times are rare.
i have more or less given up writing real long stories or novels because i know that i usually don't manage it. It's okay to start but i simply don't have the will to concentrate on one chapter for hours. short stories are cool as is poetry and again also plays. as for reading...i have gone back to my beginning and read a lot of fanfiction online....X-files fanfiction, slash of course which is highly interesting...and real hot.  many of these writers like to write about the sort of variety of sex i like so it's highly interesting and entertaining.
so all in all....i'm a healthy young man i guess. I'm sad that I have lost contact to some people (two) from here (from this world) who i was close too, both is my fault i guess...one is Torry...does anyone know where he is or what he is doing? I know it was his birthday two days ago and the other one is Wolfgang but I don't expect you know him, he is a very shy man. I'm really sad I lost these two, but that's me i guess.  i can be very damn lazy with relationships.
as i said, bad conscience, so that's why i wrote this post, to wave hello to those that remember me and well...my e-mail address is still the same and maybe i'd even manage a decent e-mail convo with someone, anyone if you'd like. open for all sorts of talks...as much as time allows. reminds me, an older friend of mine told me that i should go out and get myself a cyber lover so i wouldn't be so lonely...hehe...this is no ad. 
good night everyone. i hope my appearance here isn't disturbing the natural flow too much...but then, i don't believe i have such an impact.
love,
brian
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