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Part is self-inflicted. I sit at home doing nothing but playing games or surfing the net or writing my stories while it's being a totally marvellously wonderful summer day outside. Then I sit at home and do the same thing when it's cloudy and rainy thinking to myself, 'well I don't wanna be out in that weather anyway so what does it matter?'. I have wasted like three weeks worth of great weather this way so far.
I have emails I need to write to people, except I put it off again and again, then I whine and pout to myself about nobody writing me... Geez, I really should do better, I know. I usually DO do better if people prod me, but I guess everyone's too busy for that, it's understandable. I mean, I'm used to people being too busy for me so why complain.
I missed an appointment with my therapist or whatever the hell he's supposed to be more than two weeks ago because I friggin forgot about it like I do so easily; in part I forgot because he re-scheduled from a friday to a monday or tuesday, but I think I forgot simply because I plain FORGOT. Hell, I can stand in the bathroom clipping my nails, and as I start on like the third finger I think, 'gotta clip toenails also', and by the time I clip the tenth nail, I have FORGOTTEN that I need to clip my toenails also! Can someone try to understand how FRIGGIN IRRITATING AND ANNOYING it is forgetting things from one moment to the next and nobody understanding me? They just think I'm sloppy, like I would do this on purpose?! AAAARRRHHH!
I still got a bill for not showing up of course, but he didn't bother contacting me for a new appointment and it's been at least two weeks now. Dammit, he KNOWS I have problems dealing with my life, he should friggin help me with this! It's his friggin job after all or so I thought at least! I called his number late last week (only got his voicemail of course) but he hasn't called back today).
The Evil Momthra called at nine thirty today to wake me up without me asking her to do it. I told her yesterday I slept til noon (because I sat up writing, amongst other things) so she was just trying to be helpful to avoid wasting half the day I guess, but I had this really wonderful dream about men going out to war long ago (like, pre-WW1 era), and young, beautiful and mysterious refugee girls that appeared at farm houses to live there for a while before disappearing again without a trace, only being known by a number and not a name. They did embrodery-work with nimble hands and weaved grass, and somehow impregnated the returning soldier-boys (???) before disappearing... Well, it was a dream people! It doesn't have to make sense!  What was so wonderful was that it was strange and mysterious and filled with a sense of tranquility, and it was scored with music too, and it was wonderful, and then Momthra calls and wakes me up right in the middle of it. I was kinda pissed.
I went back to bed and woke up an hour later due to radio-alarm starting to scream at me and an over-full bladder. Didn't bother going back to bed after that.
Had another, quite different dream before that one, ending around 07:25 or so... I don't remember much about it, it was me and some guys, and we had bath robes placed out on chairs, and then some other guys came and took our bath robes so we took theirs as compensation, and then they got upset with us and seemed to want to fight. I wasn't scared, I was confident in my dream I could handle those guys, but I calmed things down by saying I didn't want to fight, why should we fight when it was so much better just to talk (or something like that), as I sat down on the floor in front of this handsome guy. He had a black suit-jacket on and dark curly hair that was fluffy and kinda gay-looking (the hair I mean, not the guy. The guy was just kinda manly with a nice smooth chin n such), and suddenly we were making out like crazy him and me, naked, and I had my .... well you know, up his .... hmm, well you know... And then I was awake all of a sudden, proud owner of a pair of messy orange boxers.
That's a much better way of handling conflicts methinks than invading countries and such.
Nobody's replied to my contact ad. Makes me believe I really am as unattractive a guy as I think I am.
So this is a small splinter of my life in writing. Can't expect anyone to care, but I needed to write about it, tell someone even if nobody listens just to see if I'm still visible.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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I feel invisible. 
