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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I feel so shitty and tired emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel like curling up and dying, just like giving up. Giving up on what? I don't knowing.
I've got the flu, which sucks, because I've got a headache, sniffly nose, temperature and a severe lack of physical energy, however that was really only the straw that broke the camel's back. Also, with work I've been constantly tired out from the kids, even if it is fun and takes my mind off other things temporarily. The weather can't be helping me either, though. It is constantly humid and muggy, hot days of like 20-30°C most days (and nights) but cloudy most days and raining every second day. I hate it...
Apart from that I've been really unmotivated and unorganised recently, turning up to everything late and not putting in any effort to find more work or do anything on top of my existing schedule. All my time online is wasted, too, I chat to people when they are online, but usually I just visit random websites as I wait for my good friends to get online.
Things with my uncle have been going okay, I guess. He's had to get a new job for his next visa, though, so his schedule is jam packed and as a result he gets stressed very easy. He hasn't blown up directly at me recently, but the other night we had a party for all his friends from his new job (he was only a little tipsy but I was totally drunk). One of the guys was smoking and ashing in like the used dishes so my uncle said a few things, the other guy thought he was joking so said a few things back and then ashed in a glass, so my uncle got him in a choke hold against the wall. Afterwards I pretty much starting bawling and stuff, but the next morning he didn't even really admit to being wrong, he still thought his actions were justified even though they weren't right. It is scary living with someone so volatile, especially since most of my family growing up has been really violent.
Finally I feel as though I'm pushing all my online friends away. Recent events here and elsewhere make me just feel like some mean arrogant bastard that likes nothing more than to fight. Most of my old friends have fallen away and the others either aren't around or aren't going to be around. I feel as though it's my fault for my loss of friends however, whether that is the case or not I'm not sure. I do know however that pathetically, without my online friends I pretty much have no-one. Without my online life I have nothing. This is my safe retreat, my haven to turn to when things are shitty and I want to forget about them, but recently it seems to be crumbling around my ears leaving me exposed to fire...
Oh, on a good note I met two online friends (one of whom I've known for over 2 years) last Friday. Neither of them have been very close friends, but still we hung out in Kyoto and I went crazy for the day. Maybe that's why I'm so down now, I had such a great time then...
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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