|
|
|
|
Saturday, August 23, convicted child molestor John Geoghan (pronounced Ge-Gan) was killed at the Souza-Baranowski Correction Center, 30 miles northwest of Boston. Killed by a fellow inmate. And while I'm not celebrating this, by any means, it was this man's case and the many that fell out into public view once this case had ended in the courts, that broke the final threads of my childhood faith in the religion I had been brought up in.
Which is to say that I no longer had faith in the religion, it's ritual, it's heirarchy, it's traditions and it's blatantly overlooked missuse of it's own moral standards. I find that words don't adequetely explain all the emotions I'm feeling as I read that story this morning. I hadn't been molested by a priest, but I knew boys who were. The lack of trust there is crippling. And then, after all this comes out and the Church to suddenly be paying out huge sums up front instead of behind the frock, so to speak, and admitting it's own wrong doing......that broke the last strand. Not even the music, which was my own spiritual center, was enough to keep with it.
Being Bi (which to most other Catholics is probably as bad a thing as being gay) I felt that my religion was letting me down anyways. In the New Testament, the First Book of John, chapter 4, verses 7 & 8 states clearly "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of god, and everyone that loves is born of god and knows god. He that does not love does not know god, for god is love, so let us love one another." In another scripture passage, attributed directly to Jesus himself, we are told to forgive all, to approach all with compassion and understanding and love. Yet here I am, ostrasized by the community of faith I once embraced for believing how I do, and for being what I am.
So, now that I hear that Geoghan is dead, slain by another inmate, I find myself sort of numb. Like a rubberband stretched too far and then released, all the tension is gone, replaced by an aching emptiness. I lack of closure, perhaps, because now this issue, which so upset me at the time and then just served to divorce me further from my own beliefs growing up, will now be forgotten and filed away.
You know, I write stories in which teens explore their awakening sexuality. It's more about finding and experiencing love as well, but let's be honest, it's about sex as well. But at least as far as my stories, and most all that I've seen here are concerned, it's about choice. This man Geoghan abused a position of trust, of authority, and in many ways, just abused the nature of some boys who were probably seeking guidance, and that abuse, that flagrant mockery of his status and the needs of those he professed to serve sickens me. This wasnt' a healthy sexual release, or even a consentual act that involved a boy and a man. This was a rape of faith and trust, and my church, that so solidly stands against my own sexual orientation, not only let it go, they let it go on, and they tried to cover it up.
So I keep coming back to this one point. This one question that I cannot answer, that probably no one can. Was this justice?
Part of me screams that it was. But part of me wishes that there were more. Not that I'm vengeful or want to scream "hypocricy!" in the streets in front of any given Catholic church. No. I think in large measure, that I really feel that the Church has done me, itself and all the families that truly have faith an enormous disservice in covering this up. And in taking a stand against things that many clergy ran into the priesthood to hide in the first place.
My faith is destroyed now. The last vestiges of it withered and died long ago, but even those faint reminders of the joy and hope and sense of something larger than myself all fade a little more. And shockingly enough, I find myself just plain numb, not even comfortably so, that this chapter is done. In my heart I have forgiven those that thought they knew what was best, but I cannot forget that mistake, and neither can all the others who were victimized by their religion that this matter just finalized.
I'd like to think that things are closer to how things are represented in the movie Dogma. That faith is about a good idea, not about organized religion or belief structures. That the true course of God is more based on a fact that we don't understand God and should probably not try to hard to. Just know that as a creator, God watches us, loves us, and in many ways worries about us. It is often said that we are in God's hands now. I don't believe that anymore. I think that God wants us to figure it out on our own. God made us, God now needs us to be who we are, to be what we are, and above all, to keep hold onto our good ideas. It's not about rapture, anymore. It's about enjoying the life that is and passing that enjoyment on to those that follow after you. Circle of life, of light.
Anyways, enough proselytising. Tell me what you think about all this mess.
hugs and tears and all that good junk.....
D'Artagnon
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
|
|
|
|
|
 |
 |
The inevitible but not entirely shocking.
|
|
 |
Dunno if it was justice, sounds more like karma to me...
By: lenny on Sun, 24 August 2003 16:09 |
|
|
Re: The inevitible but not entirely shocking.
By: trevor on Sun, 24 August 2003 17:23 |
|
 |
Re: The inevitible but not entirely shocking.
By: Guest on Sun, 24 August 2003 19:42 |
|
|
things need to be separated
By: timmy on Sun, 24 August 2003 23:04 |
|
|
Sad all the way around
By: smith on Sun, 24 August 2003 23:55 |
|
|
I don't believe in the death penalty or vigilante actions at all...
By: Guest on Mon, 25 August 2003 02:14 |
|
|
Me either...
By: saben on Mon, 25 August 2003 15:53 |
|
 |
Re: I don't believe in the death penalty or vigilante actions
By: Guest on Tue, 26 August 2003 06:59 |
|
|
I don't believe in inherantly evil people
By: saben on Tue, 26 August 2003 10:12 |
|
|
Re: I don't believe in inherantly evil people
By: Guest on Tue, 26 August 2003 11:09 |
|
|
I am sure any parent's comments would fry this forum
By: timmy on Tue, 26 August 2003 13:33 |
|
|
Re: I am sure any parent's comments would fry this forum
By: Guest on Tue, 26 August 2003 15:27 |
|
|
Somewhat related, in the news
By: trevor on Wed, 27 August 2003 03:43 |
|
 |
Re: Somewhat related, in the news
By: Guest on Wed, 27 August 2003 03:59 |
|
|
Abusers and Penanties.........
By: marc on Wed, 27 August 2003 18:43 |
Goto Forum:
[  ] |
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
