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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I didn't mean to be nasty. I don't want to be nasty to anyone, it still happened. I'm not proud of that, and I could probably come up with a whole bunch of excuses to try and justify why I failed to be nice, especially to a person whom I happen to value and admire a great deal, a person whom I deeply care for.
What would be the point. Maybe the reason I don't have many friends is because I'm simply not a very nice person. YES, I had a bad day today and I was irritated. I should still have tried harder to not get so annoyed when I read that post, seems all my fuses are so short these days. Too short.
I know, it's a knee-jerk reaction for me to assume someone's out to get me when I am in this mood, I feel that way even when a person I consider my friend says or does something which probably is rather trivial really, except it gets all blown out of proportion in my mind. It's a behaviour I have TRIED SO HARD to break but I simply can't. I'm so used to being let down I invent letdowns myself where none exist. Of course, I don't want to do it but I still do, it's been bred into me out of past experiences, it doesn't matter how hard I try to stop it. I can't, and suddenly when I feel angry and insulted enough I lash out instead.
It makes me very sad, but only afterwards. When I do it I'm so angry and sit there and steam, feeling so righteous about it and tell myself how much everybody else should feel really sorry that it happened and that it's all THEIR fault. It's not, it's my fault. Only my fault... I'm a sad excuse for a human being and I'm not worthy to have any friends at all because I just end up disappointing and hurting them.
All I tried to do was to be nice and supportive, and then there was this grinning sunglass-face there all of a sudden telling me how I got everything backwards, and in my mind that meant I'm just not good enough, I don't understand, CAN'T understand because I'm inferior. 'Haha, you suck!', the sunglasses said and leered back at me.
Look what happened. I just tried to be nice and I screwed up. Totally.
So I'm sorry. I really am. I don't deserve you, not any of you because I just screw stuff up. I'm no good for anything, that's why nobody wants to have me as a boyfriend.
I apologise again to the one I was nasty to, that was wrong of me. I won't bother any of you again, so you won't have to get angry and upset because of me.
Hope I'll be able to sleep tonight. Not sure that will be the case but at least I tried. Hope none's too upset with me. I'm gonna feel awful because of this for ages now and it's all my fault. I suck, I know. People have told me that very thing all my life. Yes, that's just an attempt at an excuse just like this whole post - filled with self-pity as it is - but really there are no excuses. I just suck, plain and simple. I know it's true! I hate myself, I've always hated myself and I wish I didn't suck so bad but I can't change. I don't know how to be normal, this is all I am.
I'm sorry!
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