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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13818
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I need to explain my actions to you all. Many of you are unsure of what I am doing here in a few things. To make this post I may upset one or more peole. I ask you, if you are one of those upset, to contact me first by email rather than reacting harshly. You will be welcome after you have thought about my email reply to post it here.
It's late at night, and I'm tired, so I may not explain this as well as I want to. And words are sometimes inadequate, too.
First I want to explain the model of this place. How I see it.
We are, here, a hill. the bottom slopes are steep and the top slopes moregentle and rounded. People arrive here about half way up, sort of by magic. We know nothing about them and we accept them as they are, or as they show us.
Some people stay half way up for ages, going a little down, a little up. Others climb, and slip down some. Upwards is the individual journey we are all on, and downwards is really like John Bunyans' Slough of Despond. Other people find out that it is the wrong hill, stay for a while to check for sure, and leave quietly.
I love the hill. I mean really love it. I enjoy the company, and i love it as peole climb, as I climb. I flinch as any of use slip down some. I hate it if anyone falls to the foot of the hill. I try to help all who slip down to climb up. All. Without exceptions. Sometimes, rarely, the rope I throw slips out of my hands, or out of theirs, and they hit the bottom.
A little like the parable of the Prodigal Son I welcome back the faller despite seeing that they have squandered much. One heck of a parable, that, for the son who stayed was rightfully upset about the treatment of the prodigal fool.
It looked to me in that parable that the father was "playing the favourites game" with the kid who came back. It took a lot of thought to see that he was not.
So, when I welcome back someone like Rob whose behaviour was well out of line for a while, it looks as though I am playing the favourites game too. And the loyal stalwarts feel that their noses are put out of joint. I'm not. But it sure looks that way.
I am being true to my own rather stern principles. I have always said "Break my trust once and it is viewed as an accident. Do it twice and I view it as a deliberate act, which I do not forgive". I screwed up with Roib by banning him, and I set a false expectation for everyone else. So, for that I ask forgiveness. I should have said "That is the first strike. Second strike and you are out." Instead I acted precipitately and broke my own principles.
I think all of you will understand that I had to put that right. I own up to my error of judgement. But it affected a great deal on my beloved hill.
Now, I don't know if I've managed to explain myself over the reasons why our reformed friend remains welcome, and I hope I have upset no-one in explaining it.
There is a second issue. That of "not asking people to remain".
I never have, and I never will. You see those who go either do not need what they find here, or they need somewhere else. In either case it is wring to seek to ensure that they remain, the more so since it is "my" hill. Others may ask them to come back, but if I do it is seen as a "request from the owner" and they may remain almost against their will. That is a wrong reason for staying.
Thsoe who come and who stay should do so only for their reasons. Someone said to me earlier words to the effect of "those who stay need us more than those who leave."
I'm finding my eyes are starting to close. It's verylate here. I have no idea if I've managed to make what is in my head leave my fingers and reach your head. But I have tried very hard to do so.
At the very least I hope you can see the spirit behind the words, even if the words seem like gibberish
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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