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i am in a strange situation, and have a conversation going on about it right now, but i'm getting super over-spoken in IMs. it's times like this i wish long-distance phone-calling was completely free.
it goes like this. i all but broke up with my GF, and many parts of me regret that now. she did/does love me, she is safe. she does not pressure. i am seeing that it was probably better we were not all romantic touchy/feely when we had time to be together physically. at the time, this was becoming an issue for me, but now, it's all different.
to be blunt, it's all based on the medication they put me on. most anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medications have the primary side-effect of "lack of sexual drive," or variants of. okay, here is where i try to be as delicate as i can ... before hand, i had a very normal drive, except what spurred it on, you could say, was not "normal" for a female. as in ... it was things not straight, and not even girl/girl related. so what does that leave? yeah, i'm sure you guessed it. anyways ... now that's not even there. like, it IS mentally. i can think it, read it, write it, see it, and think, "oooo..." but like, then nothing can be done of it (god, okay, and i feel like already i've said too much and people will be running to vomit..).
so, given current circumstances ... this will become a problem. has, in fact. and in my screwed up defense mechanisms, i find this okay. for all my talk about being "asexual" (because what i want to be, want to have, i can't--i'm a girl, and therefore what i want and wish i was, isn't possible) it's suddenly come true. i could go off the meds, but then the other problems (which are only BARELY gone, considering i've been up all night cramming for a huge exam, only the first one of this class and each week they get bigger/harder. i think without the meds i'd have snapped, but with them, i'm just constantly borderline and feeling so bad like i want to break but can't) will return. i could change meds, but those that don't have "sexual side effects," apparently do not mesh with my medication for my stomach disease. some say this will level off. but i don't really want it to .. this means i'm totally safe. it means, also, i'm probably a short time away from breaking someone's heart who came back around. bi, sure, but like last time, he seems to forget that when around me. and i doubt if i said, 'love me but find a boyfriend, please, and i will tag along,' that would fly.
and here, i will finish up with a paste from the IM i am in:
Stellarfusion [1:22 PM]: you want to know why i'm pulling back, for honest? it's a lot of reasons. i'm a selfish person, that's a harsh truth, but i think i am. i want what i can't have, and when i have it, i sometimes don't want it anymore. it's been my experience that, when in relationships with guys, bi or straight, eventually their male-ness comes out and sex becomes an issue because even without this medication, i was never overtly sexual. and to them that means i don't want them, love them, or want to be with them.
and there you have it. i'm not as good a person as some of you say, or as others say. all i do is destroy stuff and people. i don't even mean to. i think it all comes down to the fact i was born with the wrong damn body. i should have been a $)%R*$ boy. for as feminine as i am, i hate being a $)%(*$# girl. I HATE IT. :'-(
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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