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i don't. i'm lost in cyberspace. tonight is my night to write in this forum thingie and so i'm on other SNs that i don't usually have open, because i have two characters being played at the same time, along with two others, so it's a lot to keep up with.
but my head is elsewhere. in clouds and in the dark. it's such a clear night here. the windows are open. i can smell the lake and autumn-burned leaves. and i feel like crying and laughing. i feel calmly insane.
yesterday, before i had a chance to sleep and was really on the last thread of being snapped, i got into a fight with a friend. he was asking me "what is that lame show that all the girls say us gay guys have to watch? you know, the one that has every terrible gay stereotype that you fag hags watch?" now, he has a very dry sense of humor, and i know he meant no harm to *me* because he knows with me, things like that are different. still, i went off on him, like, hardcore. whatever livejournal entry he was making where he needed to reference "queer as folk," he locked so i couldn't see it. i imagine so he could mention what a bitch i was. i apologised and explained the no sleep and exams eating at my brain every week, and he understood. he's in college too. still, we're strained now. it's okay though, because we don't usually talk a whole lot, with schedules.
but then i got to thinking, because during that he said the types he does NOT like are the girls who are all, "eeee ooo, i wish i was a gay guy ahahaha!" and yet ... i do. but not for superficial reasons. like i really do think i'm in the wrong body. i mean screw him, okay, and screw stereotypes. some gay males *are* effeminate, and some are *not*. and me? i feel like i would make a damn good guy. i was the unplanned pregnancy of my parents, and my dad had said, i guess, 'well i hope it's a boy.' and i'm not, so he and i's relationship has always been odd. not bad, just strange.
when they had to gome get me from a hospital 70 miles away, he was pulled from army duty, because what i'd done was that bad. he didn't speak to me at all, and i couldn't talk from being intubated for so long. but he held my hand and rubbed my wrist, he brushed the hair back from my head. i kept trying to say i'm sorry, and it kept coming out as garble. it was the first time i'd seen him cry. he says boys aren't supposed to cry. it's why my brother has so many issues.
i have no idea where this is going. i have no idea who i am. i have goals, some i am reaching, some i will soon. i love; family and friends and a someone; i am a mother and i'm startlingly far away from finding myself.
it's 1 am and i'm nowhere near close to sleeping. at least i got 4 hours to make up for the last 3 days i didn't sleep at all. 
excuse this burp of a post, please.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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