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i didn't go to class monday night, because i was sleeping instead. in and out and in and out ... for as much as i say, and have heard others say, how relaxing and nice it would be to not think for awhile, i have to say nothing is more frightening and strange than having no real *feelings* at all.
sometime through that first night, i think it was close to or around 3 am by the stereo clock, i woke up feeling my mom touching my cheek and jaw, and saying she was sorry. i pretended i was still sleeping. that should have moved me, or soothed, or made this all seem less scary and more like first person than third person (like viewing from the outside in), but it didn't do a thing. not a thing.
i left class early yesterday, too. took the exam and then left (a bad idea, as exam three scheduled for next tuesday is estimated to be THE hardest one of the term, and now i've lost 6 pages of notes because i preferred to come home and try to be destructive so i could feel again, which didn't work). tonight i have my med. term. exam and i will stay for all of class. i will get make-up notes tomorrow in anatomy. i'm a robot.
rich suggested i talk to my brother, and i'm trying to get ahold of him. not sure if he knows what all's happened this weekend, but i need someone to speak on my behalf. i shouldn't be on thorazine. i want to get off of it before it totally kills off whatever's left inside. but as days go by, i care less and less. i'm in hidden-love and that kind of stung at first, but now i don't mind. they think thorazine is making it so i don't care as much about eating (ie: feeling guilty and gross and etc) but really, it's come to me caring less that i'm hungry. i'm eating though--soup-bits and crackers, bits of fruit and whatnot. yogurt in the morning. which is more than before. so this is progess, right? but how do i say why. not all of it is the desire to lose a female figure, but lately (as in the past almost 2 years or so) it has been more and more. it started as a quest to become invisible so that i wouldn't be hurt anymore by those boys who were supposedly friends, but it's morphed and mutated as years have gone by. if i looked more like a boy, then the kinds of boys i feel safest around might let me be around them, more, to therefore be safe.
it's so silly, when i type it or say it i roll my eyes and remind myself how pathetic and stupid that sounds, and how impossible it is. ::-) kind of like that, only with :-/ kind of mouth, eheheheh.
i'm going to go back to sleep now.
thanks for all your well-wishes and patience. oy, didn't i say i was going to hush up a few days ago? i should listen to me more often! 
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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