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i came at today with my claws out and teeth bared, but also with smiles. everything that i expected to go well, didn't. what i was dreading, went fine.
i'll start with the good -- i had a long conversation with my CW professor after he said something that made me feel guilty for all i've been ripping into him. he said, "i could just give you all full 20's (1 pt. per element in the rubric) and then have you like me, but then you wouldn't learn anything. i hear you, you know. out in the halls before i walk up. i know you all dislike me..." and i felt Terrible.
so i stayed after; explained myself. shame-facedly admitted i can't stand rejection, that i have issues that are deep-seated about what i'm worth and the million things i'm not, and this was all i had, etc. and that i realise that 101 and 102 english teachers look for DIFFERENT things in writing than a creative writing teacher will, and maybe that's why i got A's. he said, "i'd be concerned about you if you weren't struggling. that you are, means you'll actually get something out of this class. no one else seems to care, but you."
so if i walk out with a C, then i earned that C.
but what happened today that was bad, or shouldn't be bad but is? god. it's so TV drama it's pathetic, but i can't stop it from playing out that way. it goes like this. my brother's roommate is in my asepsis class. also she's majoring in phlebotomy as well. this is important because it means for the rest of my classes until i graduate, i will be in her class/classes. until the end.
today she comes to me and says, 'hey, i got to meet your dad and his fiance this weekend, when they came over for dinner and to see the house.' i said, 'you mean his girlfriend, right? carolae?' and she blinks and says, 'well, that's not what .. he ... oh no.' and i'm staring, and i'm like .... W. T. F. he proposed to her, and told my brother, on saturday, two days ago, and did not tell me. my brother didn't tell me. i had to find out from this snot-nosed girl who i'm only nice to so that my brother's living experience is not miserable. so then she's trying to backpedal and i'm trying to see straight. spend 2 hours doing sterilisation evaluations in a daze.
i call my brother and ask what's going on, and HE gets upset at the ROOM-MATE for telling me. WHAT?! she THOUGHT I KNEW!!! it came out so natural, and i SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! i live like, FIVE MINUTES from my father, i NEVER GO ANYWHERE, i have NO LIFE. he knows where to find me, and if it's such big awesome great news why did my brother get to know and not me? WHY?! BECAUSE I'M NOT A $%*$)%*$ BOY LIKE MY BROTHER, THATS WHY.
but it gets better.
i told my mom. i can't not tell her, we're like sisters (love/hate). i thought she should know before it gets sprung on her, because god knows it was the last thing i was expecting when getting to campus today, so i wanted her to have a heads up. she handled it fine....
but then my brother calls me tonight, while i'm in class, RAGING that i told mom. "don't you know how she feels? what were you thinking?" berate, berate. i was like, '...' and then he goes on to yell at me because she called him at work (nevermind HE is calling ME at SCHOOL) freaking out and wanting to know what's going on and all this. and yes, okay, it JUST came about, like this week. and yes you sometimes can't tell everyone at the same time, but i'm his damn daughter. i know, damn me because i wasn't born with a penis but you know, i was born. i'm his kid. but his FAVORITE kid gets told first and then like, gee. WHEN was he going to tell me?
parents get divorced and remarried all the time, i know this. but the other interesting tidbit to all of this, is that my mother is still in love with him, always was and always will be. she always harbors this hope they'll get back together, because ever since the divorce, they get along SO much better. my brother is the same way (despite all his rage, and beneath it all, he's not too comfortable with all this -- we like the girlfriend/now fiance, but it's very strange. the divorce was announced AFTER my brother's wedding, they held out deliberately until then, and until i graduated, so we feel jerked around already), he wants them back together. i could care less. but i DO care for my mom. she was so, so okay when i told her this afternoon. she even said she expected it, but that they won't get married until my grandmother passes away. she was against the divorce, and loathes the GF/fiance, and even though she's had a stroke and cannot speak, we know. 'over my dead body,' still stands true.
but i get home tonight and mom's a wreck. a total wreck. and for the 34509843th time since moving back here 3 years ago, i'm the parent again. she's the child. i have to pick up her pieces, wait for more to shatter, and then scoop those up and carefully glue them back together. i know that i owe her this, for all i've put her through, and still do. but dammit, i can barely hold onto MY pieces. they are all over the place, and i can use lots of smilies and !!!'s in IMs and posts, but you know what? i only have a hold on maybe one or two pieces. i'm not BETTER, i'm not SANE, i'm just a damn good actress and too good a liar. it's just hopefully i can convince myself through my lies, and get better.
but once again i have to put myself aside for her. and i'd do this forever if i had to without a second thought, but .. then people wonder why i snap. she wonders why i starve. why i feel like i have no control over myself (and starvation is the only thing i can control). i swear i cannot handle this. and yet i'm going to handle this. when i moved back here this house was a mess, she was a mess, and i had just been kicked out by shi's dad, living homeless WITH a 2 year old for almost 4 months, on the streets, and had to ignore all this, not decompress, and jump in and save her. and i'd do it again. i know this sounds petulant and whiney -- it sounds this way because i cannot vent this in this home, to her. i have to here. i cannot do it but i have to do it. i was just starting to figure out my pieces and find where they go and now i will shove them aside, shove them back, to help her figure out hers. and everytime i do this for someone ... i lose more pieces. i forget where i put them. i forget where i was going to put the ones i can still find.
i came at the world dressed to the nine's and carefully made up, so that my eyes would be catlike but girl-soft, and my hair was a spikey brown halo around my head. i wore my boyish suit, sans jacket, and an indigo smile painted on my face.
tonight, when walking out of class, it was raining. the spikes fell, the make up ran. blue-green tears down an alabaster face. it occured to me that i can make myself up however i want to on the outside, and it's only temporary. it doesn't matter that i wore razor-sharp pinstripes, and had my claws out and teeth bared. what matters is it's all pretend. there's nothing razor sharp here, and i have no claws. i rarely smile to show my teeth. it can all wash away in a heartbeat.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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this is not happening. long post i'm sorry. 
