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i've single-handedly ruined my child. or am well on my way. here is a letter i just emailed my mother, so that shiloh doesn't hear us speaking of it. i'm seriously considering signing my parental rights over, and committing myself to some fucking hospital. i can't "just stop," starvation and crap. but fixing it on my own has done nothing and now this. as if everything else wasn't enough, i'm ruining the one person who is most important to me. stupid selfish brat. that's me. so if i suddenly disappear, it's because i'm gone.
here's the letter:
picked up shi early today. emailing you this so she doesn't hear me talking about it ... mr. lans wanted to speak with me, because she's been upset almost everyday in school. if not crying, then it's that whine-voice, and upset to the point she's nearly hyperventalating. he said at first he was trying to be sympathetic to it (like all the teachers in the past have said...) but now has to be stern. "not cold," he said, "but i can't cater to it, but nothing seems to be working." i explained that she's not like that here, i explained she doesn't see her dad as much now, for it to be issues there, but that it could be because i don't know what goes on there, and sometimes she won't SAY what's going on there. says less when i ask what's going on there.
so then i said that last year it seemed to get better, and this year at latchkey they talk about how much better she's been, though she does have 'bad days.' and now i wonder if it's because i've gone back to school, i'm busier, she sees MY frustration about work and not getting it done 'perfectly,' and all that, and it's pouring out onto her. i mean this is the stuff that happens with teenagers, not eight year olds. the suicide talk and wondering what's going on because she doesn't tell me. so her and i had another talk, but it doesn't end there...
they offered this 'child study' meeting -- where it's the teacher, the social worker, the principal, and shiloh. the parents can be there, also, if we/i want. i explained how aaron was the last time we had conferences. that we have joint legal custody, and for something serious as this should i have him there? they said it's up to me. i said maybe i should, because he needs to know, but on the other hand he's difficult--he'd blame it all on me/us/this household, somehow, if not talk down everyone there who KNOWS this stuff, that he doesn't know. i explained how he got at one of her conferences, then how he didn't show up to the one last year and we wasted all the time. mr. levandoski (principal) said that if i feel it's better he's not there, then so be it, it's about shiloh, not him or me, and if there's "legalities" that come up about it he'll vouch for it all (i'll have him explain that better when i'm there). he said to keep an eye on the mail and he'll be sending the letter to JUST me, about it, to set up the time.
today shiloh had to write a letter to the 'parents' for conferences, on how she's going in school, both good things and things to work on (all the kids had to). shiloh didn't write the letter. they had all day to do it, or go back to it between other work, and she still didn't. during library, he went through her desk and found 2 spelling assignments (that are done for practice, that he doesn't grade but checks at the end of the week) that were not finished, one vocab. assignment, and this letter was not written. when he confronted her about it, she started doing her 'not crying but whining/about to hyperventalate' thing that is apparently common at school, and complained of a stomach ache and she wanted to come home. the policy is that if there is no fever or vomiting or rashes or whatever, the child has to stay at school. so she went even more ballistic, and that's when they called me just as i was leaving class today.
so i don't know if this meeting will do anything .. but it has to. her and i talked long about it and while she sounded petulant and almost ... victimised, i assured her she wasn't in trouble, and that she doesn't want to grow up with big stomach aches because she's so stressed and upset all the time. that she can tell me anything, i will NOT get upset (then i like, cited examples of her asking me about things, or telling me things she was scared to, just to find out i didn't get upset at all, and she smiled and said okay, and that she knows). that if there's still things she doesn't want to tell me, or thinks she can't, then she can tell her teacher, or the soc. worker, or you, or whatever. once again she reacts and answers and responds as if i've gotten through, but i thought i did yesterday. i thought i did the last times this came up, and then i'm thrown into a 180 finding out she's having this much trouble in class.
i asked if the reason the homework wasn't done was the whole 'she's bored with the work,' thing, that's common in smarter children. i mean she has the reading comp./vocab level of a freaking ninth grader, YEAH, the spelling words she's doing are going to bore her silly. her math is always done, other work is always done (unless it's homework), but there's this pile of undone spelling/reading work there. he said maybe, but it's hard to tell with all this other going on, that is not 'a common trait' of 'smart kids who are bored,' and is more some kind of emotional problem going on that we have to figure out.
so where the hell have i gone wrong to create an EMOTIONAL PROBLEM in an eight year old? this is why, half the time, i think i need a damn therapist because apparently things i thought i was keeping hidden from her, keeping hidden from the household, are in fact not hidden at all. he said her actions and 'episodes' in the class are 'attention grabbing,' but she GETS attention here. i'm on the computer a lot but half the time i'm talking with her, or in the afternoons she's over my shoulder and we're looking at animal or bird sites or whatever. lately we're reading her books b/c she's getting books, now, timed with my anatomy units. i just gave her my old desktop keyboard so she can maybe not be so frustrated in learning to touch-type without looking in computers class, because she can practice here and i'm going to be helping her. already she's loads cheerier than when i picked her up 2 hours ago, but she ALWAYS is, here!! so what happens between here and there that she's a totally different person??
but medicaid is just going to get me crap therapists, and i don't feel like changing therapists 45038 times and having to go through re explaining myself over and over with a new one. as it is i'm bouncing medication all over the place and still there are problems. obviously, the whole, 'i need to just suck it up, deal, and stop doing what i do to myself, thinking what i think,' method isn't working. because some things can't just be shut off like a lightswitch, like everyone seems to think or assume that i can, or should do. but i'm doing something wrong. the main thing seems to be the 'perfectionist' thing, and that she gets super upset if someone does something better, faster, quicker than her. but it's got to stop and be fixed THERE. before it turns into what i'm afraid it's going to.
anyway, i just wanted to let you know what's going on. we need to talk tonight when she's in bed, because if i'm going to "fix myself" i cannot do it alone, my insurance doesn't cover decent, credable therapists but it will cover hospitalisation. obviously that's going to throw a wrench in school, career, parenting. but i think she's going to be better off with me gone, until i'm the person you all expect and want me to be, but i can't become overnight.
email me back if you can,
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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