saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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This is cross posted from my online journal. I thought maybe it'd prove useful, interesting or something of the sort, some feedback would be nice, although I've really already drawn my own conclusions, but still, anything anyone has to add- feel free!
I've been selfish..... Ignorantly and stupidly so.... I just got off talking to my Mum who has been talking to my uncle. My uncle is still pissed off at me because I still owe him money, sure, we probably all know that. However, really I should have just paid him back already, as much as I can try to pass it off on not getting enough work, really it is my own fault, I could have had more work if I wanted to, but I was just not motivated enough to get it. Lack of motivation is one of my weaknesses which I have, sure, while we can never totally overcome all our weaknesses I should have a least made more of an effort. The emotion strain my debt to my uncle is putting on my Mum, Nan and the rest of my family is really unfair. Mum even mentioned her and Nan loaning me the money (condition free and interest free) so I could appease my uncle, but really, how selfish would it be of me to accept it. They'd be putting themselves further behind their debts, struggling to help me pay off mine just because I haven't got more work. Not to mention my trip to America.
Chris (who isn't even family yet) is going to be paying for me to go to the USA, he is a student and isn't rich. He has to work until 11 pm some nights in order to save up enough money for me and everyone to go (he's paying for Mum and my brother, too) and while I am grateful to him, obviously I am not grateful enough. Surely I could have at least double the pitiful amount of work I have now so I could pay him back, even if only partially. Plus, unless I pay my uncle back the trip will probably be dampened slightly because everyone will be uptight about my uncle finding out I went on some extravegant trip when I haven't even payed him back my debts.
I guess growing up I never really had any responsibility, things weren't easy, sure, I was never spoilt, but I never had to manage my own money. I always had my basic living expenses provided for, without needing to think twice, even if sometimes luxuries were a little thin. I don't know if this is something everyone goes through, they have to really experience what others are willing to sacrifice for them before they mature and realise they have a responsibility to provide for themselves, at least. Maybe some people just realise what is required to give back to people, but it took a lesson that has almost turned quite bitter in order for me to realise it. Perhaps this is the first time I have felt true responsibility in life, Maybe now I finally realise why so many people get up and go to work every day. Pity it has taken almost 6 months in Japan, plus a University drop out to learn it, but maybe now I'm finally starting to become an adult.
So, where from here? Well, I already have about half the money I owe my uncle saved up, not including the money I borrowed from him to buy my luggage bags and stuff I needed to come here. I'll be getting paid from Jonathan's School sometime soon, after which I'll try and fully pay off my debt from my time in Japan, to him. After that I won't have much money left, and I'll probably be living on very cheap food for a month, but hopefully my visa will be approved so I can start looking for more work so I can actually eat and also have some spending money for in USA and all should be well in the world.
Recently I have had my uncle blocked and only been talking to him occasionally by email, I have been scared of him, true and I don't think I have matured from living in fear of him, in fact I wouldn't be suprised if it has taken me longer to understand this lesson because I've been living in fear of him. Hopefully things will go smoothly with my uncle and I catch him on a good day so he is not so angry. I would like to perhaps try and patch up my relationship with him, but if that isn't possible I guess I'll settle for being out of his debt and have a neutral relationship with him. Despite his bad reaction, I still did wrong, even though I didn't intend to. It's more that I was just ignorant, only now am I starting to get an idea of the importance of money and the responsibility that comes from being an adult.
I wonder if this is the last hurdle before the TRUE transition between child and adult, once this idea has fully pentrated and become a driving force in my life I wonder if I'll have lost the last bit of my childhood. I guess I wish I had learnt the lesson sooner, though and that it had been easier, but I guess then I probably wouldn't have learnt it so well. The lesson of responbility to look after yourself, to provive for at LEAST yourself, if not for a family too, is quite a difficult one. My Mum learnt the lesson by getting pregnant with me and having responsibility thrust upon her, I learnt it by realising how much of a burden I was being to people by being in debt to a family member. I hope all my friends learn it when the time is right, too. Those that are still young, though, forget it and enjoy life, you still have much to gain from being young before having to grow up and just hope you don't lose too much of that youth.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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