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so i went and did something, quite impulsively, although it comes from things i've been thinking about almost since day one.
everyone tells me oh, i'm worth so much more than this and that, that i deserve this and that, etc. and so on until the head spins so fast that you don't realise you aren't getting what they say you're worth.
so i step back from something, because for words that get said it still seems so empty. and empty isn't the right word, but if you're going to tell someone you love them, i just ... i don't know. it stings to be hidden and it aches to not hear a voice, and it feels strange to feel lame and pushy if i dare ask for these things. things that would be assumed commonplace in an exclusive relationship where the three magic words are being said from the heart, not just the fingers.
but i've apparently made a mistake. i seriously didn't think it'd be taken how it was apparently taken, because yes, the love is real, and i don't doubt that, but what else is there? i mean am i really selfish and daft because i think text and occasional mails can only mean so much, offer so much? i print them out and they are under my pillow for when i wake up from dreams that He has killed shiloh, or someone has killed me or there's biochemical warfare or whatever random nightmares i have no one cares to hear about. when i'm just flat out alone. it's the downfall to every LD relationship, but it doesn't have to be. they take more work, that's the truth, so then i'm selfish for giving up. but i didn't exactly give up, so much as this is what happens when i sit on things; how i feel and what i'm seeing, because i'm always afraid to say anything for fear of being a pest or annoying. or too demanding. but the things that'd be 'demands' i just see as .... needed.
but then again, crazy people see things all fucked up.
i shouldn't even be posting this here, but i've apparently caused something really really bad, and i wouldn't be hearing back anywhere else, i'm sure. so i'm sorry. if i'm wrong, you know who you are, then say i'm wrong. tell me i'm making a mistake, that what i see is wrong, that at least one of the "someday's" is more than just a pipe dream. i'm sorry i'm such an idiot that i need to have something more solid than paper that gets tattered and smudged beneath and atop my pillow.
i'm just sorry.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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give me an inch, and i make a mess. 
