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but you guys've become family, and i've done something terrible, i'd like to think i can get it out here (since there's other things that ARE board related i'm scared/nervous to post about here). and i've nowhere else to go, because the 'eating disorder' board (geared and split toward both recovery and non) i go to, in my efforts to self-recover, i asked the administrators to please block me from viewing/posting in the active-ED forums. i can only see recovery oriented things, and posting this sort of thing there might trigger or upset people. my time there now is limited, anyway.
warning, bad language. also, if this is too unrelated or too .. bad, it can be gotten rid of.
also, i know that my MOTHER contacted some of you in the past and i ask this NOT be relayed to her or anything insane like that, becuase i don't intend to make this a habit. again. but --
i just binged 17 ounces of cake. well not JUST, but an hour ago. 17 ounces of cake is a WHOLE fucking cake, like, 9 inches by 9 inches.
then i had 3 fucking cookies atop that and then i puked it all up and kept on going until it was coming out clear and spit-like, and i have to pick shi up in 10 minutes, my eyes look like i've been crying or rubbing or grinding them and they're bloodshot inside and outside (does that make sense) and i feel so disgusting.
recovery WHAT? THIS is the kind of fucking shit that happens when i try to recover too fast or too int3ensely or too whatever. i DO want to recover and i HAVE to for my daughter but THIS is what happens when i force myself to eat X amount, healthily: i feel guilty, i starve, then i buy a GOD DAMN WHOLE CAKE for the whole intent of binging it to make the hunger pain go away and then FUCKING PUKING IT BACK UP.
jesus GOD. the amount of exercise i'll have to do to make up for that, purge or NOT, is insane. i cannot do this again because if my electrolytes go crazy and i land in the ER for things related to this again, i'm gone. they're going to put me in patient and i cannot do that, i can't i can't. so yes that means don't be stupid and immature and don't do ita gain, i WAS and have been losing weight while actually eating food like a normal person so i don't NEED to do this so it's simple and logical but i couldn't help it
:'-( :'-( :'-(
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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