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but not nowhere .. i think of him a lot, a friend/ex that died march 14, 2001, just two days before my birthday. we had this song that was ours and no one else's, and it comes on the radio a lot--no matter what station, sometimes (scarily enough) when it's a station this song wouldn't BE on. so i need to find comfort in that ... i mean is it stupid of me to think that's him saying hello?
i can't stop crying. goddammit, i miss him. a friend referenced him and i in a livejournal entry of hers i read this morning, and i've been derailed ever since. ironically, today would've been his 25th birthday. he had acute kidney and liver failure; i can't remember what the actual disease was called, but he'd had it since birth, and was never expected to live past 10. his last four years of life were spent in and out of the hospital, dialysis, and perscribed marajuana for pain management.
our last conversation, albeit online, before he went away for the weekend and then died, he told me things i'll never forget. i remember it all seemed so odd, that goofy kenny was so serious with me. then, he went to party it up in california, and wound up having 2 heart attacks atop each other. he was in a coma for four days, then died.
his headstone is engraved at the very bottom with, 'general lee stoned' (generally stoned, get it?), because myself and a few others would joke about the fact he was 'generally always stoned' those last few months, for the pain. his mother always thought that was cute.
anyway, i posted this in my livejournal, UNlocked (as usually most my entries are locked so random people can't see them). the part in italics was the original comment left in my friend's journal. everyone who lived out in the vegas area all but FLAUNTED the fact that the family gave away special things of his, based on what the person meant to him. i was supposed to get his incubus CD, and his white-wolf gaming t-shirt ... the girl who made the post about he and i has his wallet chain. and it's not about having an "item," it's not materialistic bullshit ... but that his mother still asks about me and shiloh i guess ... that i impacted them that much but have nothing tangible to hold onto when memories hit like this, stings. it sounds so immature and materialistic, doesn't it? but it's not.
here's the post (yea, i swear a lot in LJ, i'm sorry):
"" 12:32 pm - nostalgia masked as immaturity.
this was a comment to ellie's entry where i was strangely referenced in matters i have no idea what they mean. but kenny was mentioned too, and that got me thinking. and this is nothing new, not when that song still haunts wherever i go, even in other people's cars...
"heh. i never did get my kenny trinket, as promised by several people.
but it's okay with me, because incubus pops on the radio, "the" song, at least two times a week when i'm not expecting it. and i never know if i should cry or laugh, and wave hello at the sky.
even after all this time, it still hits me like that first week."
and that's the goddamned truth. let this maybe be a lesson to not ever, ever throw away things you have from friends who you fight with, or ex's that you might lose contact with temporarily, before the dust settles and you can reasonably and sanely be friends. it's not that i want some physical item, or have to have a CD or a shirt or a whatever .. it's got nothing to do with that. it's just it'd be nice to have something to touch to remember. and i, like the idiot i am, burned every letter i had from him in 1997, tore up all the pictures, and at least was reasonable and sent back the ring he sent to me. but i have our song, that song, that was ours and no one else's. so everyone who has something, and everyone who got to meet him before i was able, and for all the people's hearts he stole (often at the same time, and yet we couldn't hate him), i at least have something no one else does. and i guess that's all the comfort i'll get, and i'm fine with that.
fuck, i miss him today. and .. shit. ""
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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