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this is probably my longest post ever, but please if you've the time, read it? i need every aspect of input i can get. this is why i came here in the first place, months ago now.
i decided to be brave. that, or i have SO much nyquil and tylenol PM in my system with little to no food that'll stay in, that my better judgement is impaired. but i'm tired of not touching the reason why i came here in the first place. and i need help with it. and if i was able to get this out in an email to mr. fresh breath of air in all our lungs (  ), then i should be able to do this.
this is somewhat sexually explicit (not in bad creepy ways--like assault, so don't worry!), but i've tempered it down. to save my fingers the effort since like, hahaha, i can barely type right now, i'm just pasting, but cutting some parts out that i was asked to keep off the board for personal reasons. i would appreciate any and all imput, both good and bad, positive and negative. however, you will not change my mind. i KNOW this is who i am. the problem is, i can't find anyone willing to accept that this is who i am.
posting this is the beginning of my liberation. some parts edited for privacy.
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now, for this email .. i *kind* of know what you mean? are you trying to say that there are advantages to being a girl, over a guy? i know there is ... i will admit there's things i like about being a girl. i *like* being feminine. i'm not a butch sort of girl in the slightest, except i do skate, which is something most don't think or assume girls would do -- at least not to the extremes guys do, and i do. but ... but i don't know. i'm going to try and not get too graphic, because i don't know if that's right for us to talk about, or okay with you, hehehe. but you've shared secrets, and you seem willing to listen .... most others don't seem to be bothered. it's why i came to the board, initially, but now when i bring it up or touch on it, everyone avoids it..
when i've been with guys, and have had sex with them, it's fine at first. but then it starts to not be fine. because then i start to like ... god, how to explain this. step out of myself? and then step back IN to myself with the mindset of a perhaps somewhat-feminine gay male. and i look at the guy i am with differently. i notice things about him that girls don't usually pay attention to. the angles of hips, uhhh .... other more sexual things that girls either "hate" doing (or seeing), or won't do unless they get it back (oral -- and i actually haaate getting that, i feel icky, so you know, it works out).
at first, the guy is blown away (ehehehe, pun intended? ROFL i'm sorry). he is like, omg, a girl who will fall to her knees without losing her will, submission without the pathetic simpering aspect. oh, when was the last time a female did THIS? and it's ... awesome. except THEY don't know what *i* am really thinking and feeling when i do that.
but then it gets ... strange. because they are, obviously, still a straight guy. with no realisation that i'm doing to them what any gay guy would do, with the exception of one thing i'm not equipped for (so OMG, in season two when leda says to brian, plaintively, "ever been fucked by a dyke with a strap on?" and brian ACTUALLY says, "....is that an offer?" i about DIED laughing, and was like THAT would be the perfect guy). but at first, i can handle that. at least *i* am enjoying the sexual relationship, right? where before i really wasn't.
except it gets complicated. because gay guys will do things straight ones WON'T do. kiss their partner no matter .. WHERE their mouth has been, or what's been in it. things like that. the last guy i was with, to this extent ... uhm. i tried to rim him, knowing full well that mechanically, it is pleasurable for a guy, and he freaked. then a couple weeks later we were severely drunk and even more high, and i told him that i knew something he would die if he felt, that most guys of HIS caliber (nice way of saying straight), had noooo idea about. he was very, very interested. he was so interested he uh, could barely contain himself. i didn't have erm .... what leda had, HA! but i had fingers, and i started to do it, feeling like shit because i knew the only reason he allowed it to go on was because he was drunk. i thought it didn't make me any better than the guys that did what they did to me, but he was ENJOYING it, where i was not. i had never seen him come so hard.
except we split up the next day, when he sobered up and remembered what happened. "if i didn't know any better, like if i hadn't seen you physically, i'd swear you're a fucking faggot. or are you just some bitch who loves faggots?"
fucking asshole. so i said, "whatever. except good luck finding a girl EVER again in your pathetic, close-minded lifetime, who'll make you come five times in one night."
and i haven't seen him since. and this has happened to more mild degrees before that, and after him, but that was the worst.
i have wanted to post this story for ... a long time. so that people can see that no, i'm not just some younger version of like, debbie novotny, that this is ... it's permeated my mind. and i will never be happy, because a gay guy will obviously not sleep with a bisexual, misgendered female, but a straight guy cannot handle the emotional-mental whatever that comes of a girl doing things to him that begin to become obvious are not straight things.
so what do i do? suffer. did you know that **edited upon personal requests and respect** i fall for him more and more every day, and then realise we'll probably never really lay eyes on each other, and it doesn't matter that i am the way i am when it comes to physical relationships, because i'll probably never share it with him.
oh well. some of us are not meant to find 'someone,' especially those of us in the wrong body, or the wrong time. i can accept that, i just wish ... see, THIS is why i wish i was more like brian. because then it wouldn't BOTHER me that this is the way it will go for me.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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you know what? i'm finally going to get this out.
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You know.....
By: marc on Thu, 27 November 2003 01:17 |
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A clarification......
By: marc on Thu, 27 November 2003 01:55 |
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Re: Well what you believe is not true
By: Guest on Fri, 28 November 2003 14:48 |
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Re: You know.....
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sorry if this is selfish, but back to top.
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actually, nevermind. goodbye.
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Don't go!
By: jaman on Thu, 27 November 2003 17:29 |
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Re: Don't go!
By: kevin on Thu, 27 November 2003 17:37 |
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Ohhhhhhhh :<
By: smith on Thu, 27 November 2003 17:51 |
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Re: Ohhhhhhhh :<
By: ron on Fri, 28 November 2003 03:49 |
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I'm sorry... I don't wanna be alone, don't go please.
By: lenny on Thu, 27 November 2003 20:33 |
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I know how you feel, I've said some difficult things too....
By: marc on Thu, 27 November 2003 18:53 |
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Re: you know what? i'm finally going to get this out.
By: timmy on Thu, 27 November 2003 19:26 |
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Eyes bulge?
By: marc on Thu, 27 November 2003 21:15 |
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A reply is difficult
By: e on Fri, 28 November 2003 10:26 |
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Excellent answer...
By: smith on Fri, 28 November 2003 12:14 |
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Thanks smith
By: e on Fri, 28 November 2003 18:59 |
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Well, to start with the finish
By: saben on Fri, 28 November 2003 21:23 |
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