|
|
|
|
..on a morning that shot an entire day in about 10 minutes. i hate that i have parts of me that feel this way; that sometimes wish i wasn't a parent. and it is nothing, nothing against shiloh--it's all me and my selfishness (nevermind the countless "altruisms" that have occured without hesitation for her, for her..).
it figures i've been smoke-free for awhile, mostly for her so that she doesn't keep getting coughs and colds, yet this cough STILL hasn't totally left. today i was giving her a dose of her syrup before leaving for school, and she coughed so hard that it, along with last night's dinner, wound up everywhere. so naturally, i decide to keep her home so she can just relax, stay warm, stay medicated on a regular schedule, and maybe feel better.
but i had plans today. i was going to go to this gay/straight alliance (barring the fact they leave out people like, oh, misgendered's) meeting at my old college--the college where my friend c. still attends. after, we were going to finish up x-mas shopping, then go watch some QAF, as she is borrowing my season 1 and i've told her to NOT watch the last three or four episodes without me there with her. that's shot.
i seriously must be pathetic that the computer here, and online, and alllll these pixels and binary whatever's is all i have to escape, and be who i am, who i am LOSING beneath the veneer of being a parent. friday night there is a drag show at the ONE measly gay bar this town has. i was all excited to go: i couldn't decide between decking out in pinstripes and suspenders and a fedora, or wearing my blue/burgundy/black/white plaid-punk kilt with a slipdress skirt beneath that, with tights and a ramone's shirt. girly or boyish. i was so excited either way (even if faced with being around THAT much smoke for the first time since i quit--even if i know i'll say "i won't drink" but would probably wind up drinking myself under some table, pretending to be brian kinney because my life sucks and i should be destroyed for being so selfish to think that). except oh! i have no babysitter. shi's dad NEVER takes her on a regular basis anymore, as he SHOULD per our custody papers, and my mom, while not even LOVING this guy, has to go out with him allll the time. which IS good for her, i love when she gets the heck out of the house.
but i cannot afford to pay a babysitter, and so it's either: have her watch shiloh for drag night on friday, or have her watch shiloh so i can see return of the king on saturday. honestly, with the week i've been having and the allure of the club and getting the hell out of my nasty skin for a night, pretending to be someone else (and pulling it off quite well--i never toot my own horn but i am getting pretty good at wearing a fictional character's skin...) beats hobbits and pretty elves for a night.
the sweet irony is that the very, very few times i've had a parent-break for more than two days (my trip to new york; when her dad took her to cedar point this summer)? i spend most the time after day one and two missing her like crazy, and being miserable until she comes back, or worrying that he's going to take her and run and so nothing is fun until she gets back.
people, use protection until you're ready to be a parent. well ... that is if you ever wind up in bed with a female.  ) sorry, i had to make a funny.
ok, now this. fitting for me, for today. for always. it's come to a point i exist more in my head, and in the fantasy of things that'll never REALLY happen or come true, more than i do in reality. how pathetic.
she's lost in coma where it's beautiful
intoxicated from the deep sleep, deep sleep.
do you wonder what it's like
living in a permanent imagination?
sleeping to escape reality, but you like it like that.
guilty by design
she's nothing more then fiction.
she dreams in digital,
cause it's better then nothing.
now that control is gone,
it seems unreal,
she's dreaming in digital.
she dreams in digital.
and your pixel army can't save you now--
my finger's on the kill switch.
i remember i used to compose your dreams
control your dreams
and don't be afraid to expose yourself
before i shut you down
you made some changes since the virus caught you sleeping...
:-/  ?? :'-(
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
appropriate... long... i'm sorry.
|
|
|
Re: appropriate... long... i'm sorry.
By: marc on Tue, 16 December 2003 16:12 |
|
|
Re: appropriate... long... i'm sorry.
|
|
|
Re: appropriate... long... i'm sorry.
By: marc on Tue, 16 December 2003 16:14 |
|
|
lolol
|
|
|
Re: lolol
By: marc on Tue, 16 December 2003 22:36 |
|
|
Re: lolol
|
|
|
Re: lolol
By: marc on Wed, 17 December 2003 00:26 |
|
|
queer as folk, US version.
|
|
|
Re: queer as folk, US version.
By: marc on Wed, 17 December 2003 01:19 |
|
|
Re: queer as folk, US version.
|
|
 |
Gale Harold
By: smith on Wed, 17 December 2003 02:08 |
|
|
Re: Gale Harold
|
|
 |
Kids can be an inconvenience, sure.
By: lenny on Tue, 16 December 2003 17:07 |
|
|
Re: Kids can be an inconvenience, sure.
|
Goto Forum:
[  ] |
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
