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I evidently am, although I can't honestly say that in the past it has ever been in quite the manner I've experienced within the past few days, with each song causing me to take a good long look at myself; an introspective view at just who I am, and what I have become these past couple of years.
I simply don't know whether it's just the time of the year, or not, but in the last 18-hours, or so, I've found myself suffering a near continual bout of ennui manifested through almost non-stop crying jags.
Let me digress for a moment and provide some background to this rather ridiculous circumstance, and an attempt to perhaps explain.
Earlier this week I found myself, for the first time in nearly two months, listening to a few MP3's I've archived on my system. This in of itself was somewhat of a treat for me as I'd only minutes before finished the last of many tweaks to my Server and again booted to Windows'2000; all of which had been made necessary because I had to rebuild my system entirely from scratch in order to recover from one of the many most recent spates of
Internet-based viral attacks, which I ironically had become a victim of, not through the traditional delivery vehicle namely e-Mail, but rather through a hole in my Server's Security which was capitalized upon when I was downloading the then most recent Anti-Virus Signatures and Updates.
So there I sat, pleased as the preverbial "Pig in Sh*t". I fired-up Winamp, and randomly selected one of half-a-dozen folders, and instructed the Player to "Shuffle" the tunes, figuring at the least I had some 8-hours of listening pleasure awaiting me.
Almost from the "get go" I appeared to be inordinately "tuned in" to the music. Lyrics I had hitherto paid little or no attention to previously (or if I ever before had, I'd long ago forgotten about any significance they may have held) seemed to leap right out at me, and the waterworks began in earnest.
Melodies such as "We Are The World", penned by Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie and brought so wonderously to life by that cast of hundreds; "I'll Be Satisfied" sung with a vengence by Jackie Wilson; "I'm Sorry" performed by The Platters featuring the unforgettable voice of Sonny Turner; Jerry Marsden and The Pacemaker's haunting "You'll Never Walk Alone"; Bobby Curtola's rousing "Corrina, Corrina"; Don and Juan's prophetic "What's Your Name"; Supertramp's apropos "Goodbye Stranger"; Boyzone's classic "When The Going Gets Tough" and Ronan Keating's teary "If Tomorrow Never Comes"; Al Alberts and the Four Aces' legendary rendering of "Strangers In Paradise" recorded for the Movie soundtrack to Kismet (which starred, of all people, a then simply luscious Shirley MacLaine); Jerry Vale's soaring vocal styling of "Al Di La" from the Movie Sountrack to "Roman Holiday" (which introduced what would become the quintessential Audrey Hepburn to the world); the truly awesome "Brandy" performed by a largely still unknown group named Looking Glass; David Foster and Skylark's "Wildflower" showcasing the remarkable vocal range of a youth (and I can't for the life of me stop weeping long enough to try and remember his name - something-or-the-other "Edwards" I think) who would become better known for his work 10-years later with another Canadian institution named Gallery, and a tune that launched Foster's remarkable ability to produce a seemingly never-ending string of world-wide No. 1 hit records through his simply re-creating this song's ambiance time and time again; Boy George's nod of his head to ABBA with Culture Club's dazzling cover of "Voulez-vous"; ABBA themselves performing their Disco-anthem "Dancing Queen", a tune which then seemed to embody all that was so glorious about being Gay in the mid-1970's; The Village People performing Giorgio Moroder's "Y.M.C.A.", a tune that became his own stepping stone to fame providing a formula he too would use time and time again with likes of Donna Summer, Musical Youth, New Kids On The Block and Boyz2Men; Elvis Presley's "If I Can Dream" and "Kentucky Rain", tunes that when first released finally made realize that that boy really could sing; Wayne Newton's smooth "Danke Schoen"; The Dixie Chicks' and their incredible "Travellin' Soldier"; Conway Twittie's toe-tapping "It's Only Make Believe"; Patsy Cline's empowering "Sweet Dreams (Of You)"; Mel Carter's feel good little diddy, "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me"; Whitney Houston's inspirational "The Greatest Love Of All" and humbling "I Will Always Love You"; Dan Fogelberg's homage to his father,
"Leader Of The Band"; Gordon Lightfoot's own to his, "The Auctioneer"; B. J. Kramer's legendary "Mama"; any way I'm sure you get the drift here. Each song is, and was, and continues to be, as I'm scribbling this, in one fashion or another, about "Love", whether love of family, a friend or simply life itself, or the absence of any love at all. Many deal with children, their worries and travails.
Long ago, I, and my family, hosted an annual Christmas and New Years week Open-house where my friends, and their friends who had no family (or those whose family had abandoned them) were made welcome, sheltered, fed, and feted; with all who visited leaving with a small gift or two. What began in earnest in the very early 1970's ended in the year 2000 when I buried the last of all but two of my buddies, all having died from AIDS-related causes - a group that at it's zenith numbered some 40-or-so. The two surviving friends I lost contact with in the early 1990's, one whom I had last heard was residing somewhere in the Ottawa area with the other probably in Shelbourne, both here in Ontario, Canada. I only know that they both are still living, as I would have heard otherwise.
In closing, let me share with you what I feel this walk down memory lane has, for me, been all about. I want each of you to reach out to your family, to your friends, and hell even to those who are not, embracing all in the fellowship of what the spirit of the Christian Christmas/New Year season is supposed to be founded upon.
Get out and do some sort of "Community Service". Visit Children in hospital, Seniors in Aged-homes, the afflicted in Hospices, and Shelters. None of these endeavours have to be especially "Gay-related", although I know from my own experience that Gay Hospice's are amongst those where one of the greatest needs lie. Join your local Community Centre, and
become involved mentoring our youngsters. It is my fervent wish for us to be able to lead the next generation of emerging Adults by our example. "Come Out" and be "Gay" by all means, but let us collectively show the World that we can be responsible, caring, and trustworthy
at one and the same time.
Join me in raising your voices along with Mama Cass Elliot, and one and all together let's "Dream A Little Dream"; combined we just might find that we are capable of fostering one extraordinarily fine and "Beautiful Thing". What's more we may very well see this endure and become a living memorial to all Gays through the lives of all we touch.
Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada
2003-12-18
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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Are any of you ever affected by the tunes you listen to? 
