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well, almost. first there will be several careful and cautious conversations with my daughter. after all, it's one thing to explain to a young child (but old enough to know what gay is, and what straight is) that "mommy likes women," or "daddy likes men," but it's another to explain that, "mommy is, for all intents and purposes, a boy inside. outwardly she might start to look like one, except she'll look like one who is trying to look like a girl." totally different to explain that, in time, my name will be changed; that i already have begun to go by a new name in circles, which is a male's name, albeit effeminate; that she can still call me "mommy" though, because i'll probably be what would be considered a 'campy' or 'queen' male -- a male who chooses to personify a woman.
androgynous? i don't know. FTM? i think so. "ftmtranny" i was told in a livejournal community i found, geared toward xx-men, and the xy-men who love them for who they are.
i found what i thought was impossible (then again, EVERYTHING can be too good to be true), however where i live? HA. it isn't so easy, and won't be. but i know, now, how i want to spend the rest of the time i have.
i want to spend it not hiding.
the first step was the name, second will be to chop off all my hair, again. quite like "johnny's" haircut -- short/spiked in the back to the top of the head, and then mid-crown to front is 2 or so inches, angling longer toward the jaw. third is wardrobe, although that is already questionably andro/male.
i have looked into T therapy and surgeries, and found they are far more accesable/affordable than i thought; that 90 percent of ftm's are content with just T therapy and don't need/want surgeries. although the excessive body hair that'd come from T is offputting (body hair of anysort is a major turnoff to me, beyond faint-faint in the genital area), i shave everyday already, so what's a bit more hair to tend to? but i like how my voice is in between, and i have more weight to lose before worrying about hormones redistributing what would remain.
and i've learnt that it really has nothing to do with the hormone within, although it helps ... it's what i am.
and i'm not a girl. i don't think i ever have been, and i think that is finally, finally the answer to what i came here about what seems so long ago now. relationships with guys, or girls, has never worked because i am not a lesbian, i am not a straight girl, i'm not a girl at all.
from misplaced to liminal ('on a threshhold') to transformed. i've found who i am, even if far too late.
-l.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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it's time.
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Re: it's time.
By: M on Tue, 13 April 2004 04:49 |
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Re: it's time.
By: gil on Tue, 13 April 2004 08:03 |
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Hey, Gil!
By: Steve on Tue, 13 April 2004 08:32 |
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Congratulations
By: saben on Tue, 13 April 2004 10:48 |
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Re: it's time.
By: timmy on Tue, 13 April 2004 13:44 |
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thank you, each & every one of you.
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Re: thank you, each & every one of you.
By: M on Wed, 14 April 2004 05:19 |
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Re: thank you, each & every one of you.
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Re: thank you, each & every one of you.
By: timmy on Wed, 14 April 2004 08:01 |
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Re: thank you, each & every one of you.
By: gil on Wed, 14 April 2004 17:38 |
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interesting....
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