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May 14, 2004. My last day of high school.
Well, technically. There's a senior trip to Washington, D.C. on Monday and a Physics final on Tuesday...and of course graduation! But, today marked my last day of classes. It never really seemed momentous or climactic to me. A lot of people (most notably parents) were talking about it, asking how I felt, but I really don't know. I'm not sure if it hasn't set in yet or if I'm just apathetic about it. I guess the coming days will tell.
Some have asked if Conor and I will ever have a final "meeting of the minds," if you will. And now I hear the shouts of "Please, do get over him!" Yes, I should, but that's easy for you to say, too. I will get over him once he is physically out of my life. That will not happen until Tuesday. That is the last day I will ever see him, and while he may not immediately vacate my thoughts, it will certainly be a signficant step.
But no, that final "meeting of the minds" never amounted to anything. As much as I'd like to talk things out and mend fences, I've lost all respect for the kid over the past 18 months. Not just because what he did to me but the way I see him treat others. He's quite irritating when it comes down to it. But, shoot me, I'm a person who needs to know all the answers. I'd love to approach him or the kid who outed me and ask how it all unfolded. Really, you don't know how much I thought about doing it in the last two weeks. Hell, I almost flipped Conor the bird as an act of desparation as he pulled out of the parking lot today. Oh well.
So, I'm just sitting around here on a Friday night, feeling generally numb and melancholy. Emotions welling up but not enough strength or will to cry. My parents are out tonight at school for a senior parents night, so I can't go out. Well, actually, unlike other times they go out, I was allowed to go out also. But it took me so long to get them to agree that I could go out that I didn't have time to make plans. It really sucks.
All I want is someone to love. Is that so much to ask? I'd really like this torture to end. I've put up with this tugging-at-my-heart-strings bullshit for years now and a change would be nice for once. I see all my friends happy with their companions...why can't I share in that for once?
Just until Tuesday. Then he's gone. Forever.
-Tom
"Whatever is sought for can be caught, you know,
whatever is neglected slips away."
Oedipus Rex, lines 126-127
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