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posting this because i have a tendency to delete old journal entries when i 'get past that moment,' and therefore can't look back on it for reference when a moment similar arises. it occured to me today i have no idea what i'm doing... i had a chance to explain to someone who really did seem nice and not a conservative lemming, just what i was doing/thinking when i chopped my hair off. instead, i lied. i realised in that moment that i can cut it all i want, wear bigger clothes because clothes that fit show my fat girl-hips and other feminine body things, and i can buy secret items that will arrive in unmarked packages so i can piss standing up, and it won't make a difference.
i'm still a god damned girl.
anyway, this was like a 102 WPM rush of words in LJ. i want it somewhere where i know at least one person cares (as opposed to LJ which has just been strange lately, and i have to be careful as i've a cousin on my list and etc), and where i don't have the power to delete it at will. i don't want to fall into hating myself again. i will always hate myself, but i mean hate myself to the point of being awful, like yesterday i drew my own blood because i was bored and wanted to practise. i forgot that yeah, i have to push the tube onto the other end of the needle, and i went through the vein. didn't hurt, but when i pulled the needle back out, more blood was coming through than the needle could stop, so when it came out the blood came running, pooled up about the diameter of a quarter then began to spill. i was terrified, nauseated, and then ... intrigued. it didn't hurt and for a few seconds, nothing else did either.
but i'm too old for teenaged self-injury crap, aren't i? i'm also too old to have an eating disorder, and neither solve the fact i have the wrong chromosomes, they just distract. so you know.
props if anyone's read this far; you needn't read further, i just need this in a spot where it won't get lost. paste-pieces:
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yeah so i got my hair fixed today and was very sad. i think the woman cutting it should've been a gay man; she used her hands to talk just as much as cut and she said things like, "why would you cut it like this if you wanted it like that, that's terrible!" and i mumbled some lame excuse about a bad history with hairdye, and how impossible it's been to re-grow my own hair out from beneath this constant rust-red-brown shit color i've had. yeah, i lied to her because it's not normal to be transgendered.
(edit note: was that so very stereotypical of me to say? probably. but i love gay men more than other men or girls or gay girls or oxygen so.)
**
i look so ugly. i swear i have this thing in me that wakes up whenever i start to look remotely decent, and says, "oh oh, you silly thing you need to look like a creature again. stop that, stop thinking you could almost pass for something almost pretty." and then i do things like CHOP OFF ALL MY HAIR even though it ALWAYS ends up that i regret doing it--yet i think "this time will be different," or binge eat or pick at my face so that there's cut-nail-scab marks, or i perform bloodraws on myself or or or.
yesterday, during the fiasco with spider-man boy***, i had commented that it was a shame he'd be locked up in the back of a baker college security truck for five years, because he was awfully cute. hayley says, 'go talk to him and make him feel better!' and i was like 'wtf no?' she says, 'you're way too shy, or introverted or SOMETHING, you talk about being lonely like it's a joke, but i bet this is WHY.'
*** ref: this kid was hyped up on some drug, had to be, or else he was just amazingly strong for his size, and also bored. he climbed a tree and started busting off branches the thickness of my arm, like they were twigs. security drove by in the parkinglot at random, spotted him, went after him. he jumps from the tree, bolts across the courtyard, and lauched himself up the side of the building wall, like barely even put his foot on a window ledge and up onto the roof he went, taunting security for 20 minutes before one thought to climb up the other side of the roof and sneak up on him. amazingly beautiful boy. maybe he was bored.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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