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..so please know this does not have to be read -- you all know me; it's mostly jibberish babble anyways! just clearing thoughts.
i shaved my head the other day, having troubles growing haircut out to something that is acceptably passable, or passes as acceptable, either or. it was a quick, angry fix to an ongoing, frustrating problem. except i realise now, 2 days later with looking like i have an ash-colored helmet on, that in a month or so, i will have to deal with the same in-between strange-stage that led me to going mad with clippers.
and i start a new job (finishing the leftover extern hours i had) on wednesday. and they do not allow hats nor bandana's to be worn. i asked, "what if one has undergone chemo?" they said, "if so, they wouldn't be working for us, naturally; they'd be too worn out." which it then occured to me that they have no idea of what my body has in store for me; that i have a stubborn fistula that a month or so ago was an inch away from stabbing my liver, and now is probably a breath, maybe a heartbeat, and i'm sorry but i refuse to stop my life NOW (yeeah, for all the threats of suicide, baby, there's no way i'm stopping now) to have it taken care of. i finish this externship first. but the point is that they WOULDN'T have sick people working for them? why? what about girl-boys? what about what about? god, i hate small towns, and i hate narrow minded people. someone under chemo, obviously depending on the level of intensity and time and outcome of course, but someone who is sick can work as well as someone who is not.
and someone who isn't what their skin says isn't necessarily sick, and someone who has pieces of their body ready to stab other peices isn't necessarily sick if they aren't acting that way. truly, though... i hope they find none of this out. my school knows of my condition of course, but they apparently didn't say anything to LMMC where i will be working.
thank god for that?
yes.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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