|
|
|
|
I know where you hide:
Alone in your car,
Know all of the things that make you who you are.
I know that goodbye means nothing at all,
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls..
i spent the last 3 days up in what some people call god's country; a place that my car could barely get to, and the weather didn't cooperate either. it rained until yesterday, and then i swam naked in water that was way too cold. you can't spot tears when you swim. see, this lady called while i was away, ignoring voice mails on my cellphone until the last. my mother gave me her message: that she loved my resume and could i please call her at westshore internal medicine, to set up an interview? i was ecstatic. i called right away, on my cell and racking up roaming charges... but she was actually looking for a medical assistant, not a phlebotomist. i'm not trained as an MA but i told her i could learn quickly, that i adapt very quickly to new situations.
she said she was sorry, but no... however my resume was quite impressive and she will see to it that it gets into the right hands this time, if she can. i thanked her for her time, clicked 'end' on my cellphone, and then thought about stealing boat anchors from various spots on the lake i was at, tying them to my ankles, and then going swimming again.
it doesn't much matter if they do call, or the resume does get into the right hands, at least not right now. the externship hours are officially done; i have a paper to write and turn into my college by the 20th, at which time ludington's evaluation of my extern performance should also be in, which is the other 50 percent of my externship grade! yay though, for that! because then i will get my actual graduation certificate. ludington memorial hospital gave me a certificate, which almost made me cry it was so nice of them. i loved it there.
but it's done and i said and promised family and the like, 2 friends i actually have that when it was over, i'd get this last surgery i need. i know that that fistula is pushing on places it shouldn't -- if i move quick or in the wrong way, i can feel it. the last x-ray i actually had showed an inch or less between it and my liver. if it reaches the liver it'll be bad news. i need to have the surgery to have it removed, i know this. i wonder if i'd have not missed certain doses of imuran if this wouldn't've happened, but playing what if games won't change it, i GOTTA get this done. it'd be another week in the hospital, and then recovery time because it's abdominal surgery.
i must be a lame person to be putting this off because i'm scared of being "inactive" for so long. because the meds i'd be put on afterwards for pain make me crazy and i have an addictive personality. because i also know what'll go down afterward. i've lost too much weight, again, and my mom knows that the time off my feet will maybe help me gain, but if it doesn't i have to seek treatment for that, too.
and if someone could just hire me i could avoid all this. i need to work, need to have money -- shiloh needs school shopping supplies, and my car's transmission needs a flush, and these things do not pay for themselvse and i couldn't be made to have this surgery or go into treatment for eating issues/gender issues (they releate; my screwed thinking seems to think i can, in fact, starve off feminine curves, and only andy here has seen the awful picture that is feminine curves and my fat ass, and i've lost 20 since then) if i had a job. because i'd have to be at this job.
who i miss most in all of this, is kevin. because no matter how shitty things got, kevin made things seem like they were cake, and could always make me laugh and his voice was a soothing one. sometimes, i call his cellphone just to hear his voice on his outgoing message say his name. but i know even if i left a message that he wouldn't call back.
i don't know how else to apologise. i wasn't myself during those times, you guys. i wasn't. i handle pressure badly and school was being a monster and thorizine made me a zombie but now all that is regulated, and it doesn't change how i acted and i'm not trying to use it as an excuse but it's just how things rolled. i remember when i first came here and kevin offered shi and i a place to live if i was able to move out, and i know he's not there anymore (at least i don't think) and some nights the only way i got through was thinking about having such an awesome downstairs-roommate, and throwing little apartment-building parties and cooking everyone's food and cleaning for them as well, to show how much i appreciated a shot at a new life.
kevin, if you're sitll out there and read i miss you, and i'm so sorry for how i acted. i wish we were friends again.
if anyone even made it through this drivel-y long long post, thanks. i just had to release/vent somewhere, because a lot of this i can't get out in daily life. i'll drop a line in this post (digging it back up if i have to!) when the surgery comes up, i know it's a simple one and everything so it's not a big deal, i just can't put it off anymore, or else more scar tissue'll build and get closer. as for after that, ed treatment, i'm not entirely sure. it won't be anything inpatient though because i'm too old for them to force that. my mother says 5 more pounds down and she can, under the 'threat to self' motiff, but i doubt that.
love you guys.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
|
|
|
|
|
[  ] |
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
