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Right now at this particular moment in time, I'm drunk, scared, unemployed, and unsure of things. I try to be a friend, but not sure anymore.
Sometimes you just gotta say "to the hell with things" and risk it. I'm risking it. I don't know what my future holds, nobody does, but I'm hoping.
Hoping things work out, hoping so many things come true.
I was awoken at 7 am today with at phone call from the "water" company telling me they would be here around 9:30am. I stood and waited for them to show up, thinking. Thinking all kinds of things. Later in the day something came up between me and my mom when we stopped for fuel.
I told her: "I WANT TO LIVE!"
All kinds of reasons went through my mind when I said that.
Most of all was because: "I have so many things to do yet"
"so many things to do yet"??????
I want to meet the love of my life so bad it hurts. Those that know me know who and why that hasn't happened yet. Those that don't, ask, I'm not toooooo shy.
Other things came up tonight, little things, but things that showed me "quietly" how much my mom loves my dad. She was making plans for the two of them well into the future, even though my dad is recovering from a heart attach. They were "close" tonight, something i havent' seen before.
I can't tell them, but I can here. I love my mom and dad. If I told them, they'd think I lost my mind, and have me committed. Mom and I worked on they're house today, and gave my dad little chores to do to make him feel useful. (He only got out of the hospital on Saturday) He's like me, Stubborn. He has 6 stints in him now, and didnt' really understand what that meant till I opened my mouth tonight. He has enough metal holding open his arteries to set off the air port metal detectors, enough metal that if they do an MRI (Magnetic Resolution Imangie) they can be ripped from him causing instant death. (the doctors didn't explain that to him) A simple car accident where he's unconscience and can't tell them "No MRI" could kill him, and he's gone.
I guess what this is coming to is "What do we do?" I took a chance with my mom's and my life earlier today while fueling the vehicle. "Do we live in fear?" "Should we live in fear?" If we do, then what is the point in going on?
Yes, I'm still drunk, the beer is affecting me more now as I write this. But, I was out with my parents and one sister having a good time and drinking. We talked about death in front of my dad, even about his mother's death. "Is that good or bad?" (I learned things I didnt' know)
Oh well, If nobody ansewers, I'll understand. I was stood up by a "friend" tonight too, so screw it.
Brian
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
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