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that's okay, though. i need to get it out, to say that i did so.
spent the week in the hospital. liver is safe, head and body are not. my parental tried to put me in an eating disorder facility. i'm officially underweight now, lost 45 in one month. BMI is below "underweight" level of 17. but because my skin is still soft and i don't have bones that stab people (yet?) i'm safe. add to that fact that i'm an adult (though i rarely act it?) and i'm safe. i can't be "put" into any facility. me, 1. them, 0.
here's some stuff, from henry rollins. i got to meet him this year, the day before my birthday. it was the best birthday i've ever had. we exchanged something knowing (or so i told myself) and i have pictures of us together. his books have saved my life and head in more ways than one. each of those ways is outlined and emphasised below. this is the part i'm sure'll get skipped over. occasionally a song'll say something better than i can, etc... but this guy? henry... i swear he's been inside my head before. it's scary that these things could be written like this. that someone else could feel it so strongly.
so with all this my point is that i'm well aware i've worn out my welcome, and that i don't fit certain criterias to receive it. receive what...? i don't know, but i didn't get a single email, offline message, or ANYTHING while i was away. i realise how bratty it is of me to "expect" such things but you know, it does put things in perspective. i remember, again, that these are just pixels, just words and screen names. it means nothing.
would it be pompous of me to ask that every post i ever made here be removed? probably. but they fall to the wayside, ignored, anyways. to me that's just as good as removed. i could hope to be banned like bryce, so that even if i have the urge to "come back" i wouldn't be able to. i'm tired of beating my head into walls, frankly. i'm tired of not being special enough, small enough, thin enough, healthy enough, or even sick enough, or male enough, or young enough, to receive what everyone else has here. so screw it. with any luck i'll become unsoft and it'd be hilarous that all this hubbub was made about a fistula, when i could keel over from a heart attack due to trying to be perfect.
anyway, rollins:
Some of us live in the dark. We never see the light unless it comes through the window. Street light at night creeps through the venetian blinds and lies broken and scattered on the floor. Some of us wait in the dark. Quietly. Patiently. Sharpening our claws waiting for you to slip just once. Our bodies are warm. Our muscles are tight. We press our eyes up to the key hole and look around. We wait in the dark, grinding our teeth. Waiting. Waiting for you to slip just once.
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Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define you character.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Tonight I'm an old satellite
Emitting weak signals from far away
Low output
Where are the planets tonight?
Think about the spaceman blues
Lonely on the moon
Imagine walking out of your room
And finding you're on the moon looking at Earth far away
After awhile it might not be so bad
At least they couldn't hurt you from there
Memories stick like napalm and keep burning
Years later I still burn.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Tried to find you with my eyes closed tonight,
I got to your face and that's it.
Something switched off--
The impossibility of you and me.
I can't remember how I felt then.
It doesn't matter.
You were a bag of lies and excuses,
You let your life turn you into shit
You're like all the others,
I must have been out of my fucking mind.
--vv the one i've written him about vv---------
I know you.
You were too short.
You had bad skin.
You couldn't talk to them very well;
Words didn't seem to work,
They lied when they came out of your mouth.
You tried so hard to understand the others.
You wanted to be part of what was happening.
You saw them having fun,
Seemed like such a mystery.
Almost magic.
You thought that there was something wrong with you.
You would look in the mirror trying to find the flaw...
You thought that you were ugly.
And that everybody was looking at you,
So you learned to be invisible.
To look down.
To avoid conversation.
The hours, days, weekends;
The weekend nights
Alone.
Where were you,
The basement, the attic, your room?
Working some job?
Just to have something to do?
Just to have a place to put yourself?
Just to have a way to get away from them;
Staying away from the ones
That made you feel so strange,
And ill at ease inside yourself.
Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not;
For hours you imagined what might transpire;
If they would laugh at you.
If you would know what to do.
If you would have the right things on.
If they would notice that you came from a different planet. ***
Did you get all brave in your thoughts,
Like you were going to be able to go in there,
Deal with it and have a great time?
Did you think that you might be the "life of the party?"
That all these people were going to talk to you,
And you would find out that you were wrong?
And that you had a lot of friends,
And you weren't so strange after all?
Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you got invited
Because they thought you were so weird?
I think I know you.
You spent a lot of time full of hate,
A hate that was as pure as sunshine.
A hate that saw for miles.
A hate that kept you up at night.
A hate the filled your every waking moment.
A hate that carried you for a long time.
Yes, I think I know you.
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived;
Home was not home.
Your room was home.
A corner was home.
Anywhere they weren't,
That was home.
I know you.
You're sensitive;
You hide it.
You fear getting stepped on one more time.
It seems that when you show a part of yourself
That is the least bit vulnerable,
Someone takes advantage of you.
One of them steps on you.
They mistake kindness for weakness--
But you know the difference.
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years, and
Strength is something you know a bit about.
You had to be strong to keep yourself alive.
You know yourself very well now.
You don't trust people.
You know them too well.
You try to find a special person,
Someone you can be with.
Someone you can touch.
Someone you can talk to.
Someone you won't feel so strange around.
You found that they don't really exist.
You feel closer to people on movie screens.
Yea, I think I know you.
You spend a lot of time daydreaming--
People have made comment to that effect,
Telling you that you're self involved and self centered.
But they don't know, do they,
About the long night shifts alone.
About the years of keeping yourself company.
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
So you could imagine someone holding you.
The hours of indecision.
Self doubt.
The intense depression,
The blinding hate,
The rage that made you stagger,
The devastation of rejection.
Well, maybe they do know.
But if they do,
They sure do a good job of hiding it.
It astounds you how they can be so smooth,
How they seem to pass through life
As if life itself was some divine gift.
It infuriates you to watch yourself
With your apparent skill in finding every way possible
To screw it up.
For you life is a long trip:
Terrifying and wonderful.
Birds sing to you at night,
The rain and the sun,
The changing seasons are true friends.
Solitude is a hard won ally,
Faithful and patient.
Yes, I think I know you.
------------------------------------------------------------
Hope is the last thing a person does before they are defeated.
------------------------------------------------------------
I am ready for whatever's coming. I expect nothing but to be let down or turned away. I am alone. Goddamn. The shit hurts sometimes, but I realize what I am, what I have become. The alien man waved his arms up and down and noticed that he couldn't wave in the right language so he stopped. ***
------------------------------------------------------------
Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them. If you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
------------------------------------------------------------
Wrap your skeleton around me.
Weld your bones to mine.
I need more than regular involvement,
I need you to perform a miracle on me.
Somehow still the horror inside.
Please help me,
I don't want to die screaming.
I don't know if you can do it..
Hold me in a violent grip,
Outsmart me.
I need something.
A vacancy is growing inside me that I can't control...
Fuck it.
Don't even try.
I'll just abuse you;
It's all I know.
I'm just afraid that I'll hurt you
More than I already have.
------------------------------------------------------------
they don't lie a lot
they just don't tell the truth very often.
truth does not mean much to them;
you can lie to them, or tell the truth
makes no difference to them.
walk on them, if you want
eat with their forks
destroy them for the hell of it.
this is me -- nothing-light, leander, heathyr -- logging out of apos. i wish i could erase URLs from my memory so i don't come back, i hate being human, and curious. but i don't want to read the nothing that'll be said back. it'd be too little, too late.
andy - although i'm not too happy that you spoke with my mother, thanks for being the only one who gave a shit that i was in the hospital. i do appreciate.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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i know that no one's going to read through all this. 
