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my life  [message #22653] Wed, 27 October 2004 20:14 Go to previous message
tBP is currently offline  tBP

Likes it here
Location: England
Registered: February 2004
Messages: 242




hi guys, i'm sorry for creating a thread about me, not the most interesting topics i know... but there are somethings i want to say, but i never seem to be able to say them, not even over MSN
its kinda long... and random. sorry

27/10/04
Do you ever have the feeling when the whole world is against you, when no one and nothing wants you to succeed and everything conspires against you?
When the world gets to tough, what can you do? Some people are strong; they can weather and bare it, reach out toward the brightness of the hopes and dreams, their future, and know that the best is yet to come. I’m not like them, I’m not strong, whatever I’m told, whatever the nice people I know say, I’m not strong, I’m a coward, always have been, running from conflict hiding away, staying deep in the closet for no reason other than be too scared to come out of it.

This is going to turn into one of those depressing stories that everyone knows… but I can’t talk about this, not to anyone, only the keyboard do I trust to be my confident, only the hard drive can keep the secrets of my deep desires, depressions and the great sadness I bear with me.

What is it with me? Why is it everything I try and do go wrong? At school at least I had my grades, it was all I had, worthless bits of paper though they maybe, it was something i could say, yes this is mine, this is my achievement. Here at uni I don’t have that… no longer am I top of the class, no longer can I take solace in the fact that I’m doing well, here I feel I’m failing… I just can’t work like this, I don’t want freedom, I want people to tell me what I need to be doing, with timetables, and deadlines… here I have nothing to measure myself against.

But studies aside, there must be more to life than academia. Isn’t there??
Here I am, Wednesday night, retro reloaded down the union, an invitation to come out from my best and only friend here at uni. I plead no money. I still have at least ₤10 on my weekly budget…
What’s wrong with me, why am I always the one left sitting by the side? Why do I choose to be the stay at home?
At least one of those questions I can answer. Too many nights where I’ve gone to a club and still been left sitting on the side, starring round the room and seeing the only other people doing what I’m doing are the dirty old men who hope to get some nice young boy who’s drunk that they can play with. Will I end up like them? Old and alone, outside society, cold and depressed.

It goes back to last summer, back to the time when I finally had to admit to myself who and what I was, but I guess I didn’t do a very good job of it. All I did then was admit I was bi, even then I was still lying to myself, I know what I am deep down, can I ever tell anyone? Can I ever be myself? Or is it too late for me now? Too long have I screamed at the heavens, “oh god, why me, why can’t I be normal, why can’t I be just like everyone else?” my voice slowly trailing off as I fall to my knees in the field at night and lie on the cold grass crying (yes I actually did do this). Too long now have I bottled myself up inside, kept all my feelings locked away deep in my heart, never telling, letting anyone close, for every time I have, all I have suffered is great pain and heartache. My old friends told me my face used to be like a stone wall, I could crack and joke and never even give the faintest of smiles, but now, the face remains, but all the walls inside are falling. I can’t talk to anyone, I’m trapped in my own head, I can’t discuss my feelings, my emotions…
On Timmy’s advice I went to see a councilor here, I stopped going after 3 weeks… she thought i was getting better, fact is, I just couldn’t talk to her… I couldn’t tell her stuff, and after I recovered from my emotional outpouring, on the outside I became controlled, old stone face returned. And every time I left her office, all the words I wanted to say but couldn’t came running through my mind, and by the time I get home, I’m ready to cry again.
I don’t need someone to talk to, I don’t need someone I can tell all my problems to, I need someone who can help me, who can help me solve my problems, who can be active in my life, not passive. A councilor can’t, all she does is listen, and maybe offer advice, when what I need most is a hug from someone who actually cares about me, not for me, someone who takes an interest because they like or love me, not because they are paid to.
But I have no one, not any more, and who do I have to blame for that? Me, who else?
I’ve joined the unions LGBT society, (gay society) I meet with them, relax, I can be gay with them, if you get my meaning, and I go out to the local gay bar with them, and stand on the side, and watch them dance. And whenever I join in, I end up as the other guy, the odd one out in a group of people dancing, the one without a partner, or if there should be an even number, someone else gets invited into the group…
At this society there’s this really great guy called mark, he’s 2nd year, so older than me, but really great, and cute to… I tried, and I failed… he wasn’t interested in me, not in that way… but I couldn’t take a hint… I kept on trying, until he finally had to spell it out for me. How could I be so stupid, endangering the only friendship I have? Thank god he’s so understanding.

And then there’s jack. Oh god, jack, do you know what you do to me? Do you know the heart ache you cause me? Jack, well, jack is just the most beautiful boy in the society, outgoing, but modest, young looking, cute, slim sexy, and fit as hell. Most all the boys in the society would gladly sleep with him if he gave them the chance. I would be one of them, I thought I was getting close to him, I wanted the sex, sure, but I wanted him as a friend to, and I thought I had made a break through… but now I text him, and wait, longing for the reply, any reply. I wait for him, hoping to see him, and say hi, but never see him… I want to be with him so much, but it’s like he just doesn’t care about me, just not interested… is there anyone??? Anyone at all…

Well yes. There is, there’s Tim, my poor dear Tim. As beautiful as jack, as friendly as mark, the best boy I’ve ever known, the boy I gave what’s left of my heart to, who has it with him, keeping safe, I hope. But how would I know? Tim, my boyfriend, the one I love but cannot be with, the one I dream of but cannot see, the one I long to hear, but dare not call. Curse his parents, why can’t they let us be together? All I have is one emotional and heart rendering letter on average of every 2 weeks… long awaited, yet read and reread inside an hour. So little from one so loved, if 15 pages can be called little…

I hate to call Tim a complication, it doesn’t do him justice, but sometimes, only sometimes, I can’t help wondering if my life would be better if we had never met. For all the love he gives me, he also, unintentionally causes me so much pain, and no doubt he can say the same for me… but he has his friends at school, and I, I have a longing in my body I cannot satisfy. The virgin longing for sex, but the one I love cannot provide, he’s underage, however willing. And I can’t see him regardless, yet every time I so much as touch someone else, however much Tim might forgive me, however much people tell me he’ll never know, I’LL know. I can’t do it, I want to, but I can’t betray my boyfriend. So I’m stuck here, torn in 2… reaching out, but not touching anyone, a longing in my body I cannot satisfy, a longing in my heart I fear to lose, for without Tim, I truly have no one, no one who cares, no one who loves me, who knows me, who knows my story and wants it to continue.

Oh god, what is it with me. Am I truly so retarded, so ugly and boring that no one is interested in me? Why do I always feel like the lump of wood among gems? Why is it even surrounded by gay boys, I can’t relax. Why can’t I let myself out, why can’t I come clean?

Someone once told me, or maybe I read it “what’s the point in living if you can’t feel alive?” I can remember the last time I felt alive, and that makes it worse, that I can recall vividly the only times I ever felt like I was a person, and not some machine with a flair for law and strategy games. The last time jack ever spoke to me, when we hugged before going our separate ways, when Tim kissed me good bye on the platform, before I boarded the train, little knowing it was going to carry me away from him for an entire year, at least.
I sit here alone, tears in my eyes, and the soft ethereal voices of the Libera Choir in my ears, and thinking, where have I gone wrong, could I have made my life any better, could it possibly be any worse? No to both I feel.
At least, if I had never met both eothain and Tim, I would never have known the love, never known what I am missing out on, and would at least been content with computer games ands masturbation. But now I find even kissing better than masturbation, and long to find out how good anal sex really is. Will I ever get the opportunity? I don’t think so. Eothain split with me, for reasons neither of us need to say, and Tim… I myself cast the die that caused our separation. And something deep in my heart tells me I’ll never see him again.
I look forward, and all I see is blackness, no future, no plans no life stretching out before me. I never have… what does it mean? Early death? To end a lifetime if suffering, and a year of utter pain and despair, only briefly punctured by time of such happiness and joy as can never be repeated.
Recently I feel like I’m being torn in two, my body and my mind struggling over what’s left of my heart, and slowly killing me in the process.

Oh no, an email from Greg. I’ve never mentioned Greg before; he’s a 14 yr old American boy (what is it with me and 14 yr olds?) who comes to me for help. He sees me as some kind of big brother type person, and I have to admit, I encouraged him. I like helping people, especially boys, I’ve always had a soft spot for boys in distress, and maybe a leftover from wishing someone could have been there to help me. Greg asks me questions on stuff like puberty and love, but he isn’t the only one, people think I’m wise and all-knowing, but why come to me? I’m only 18, what makes them think my advice is any better than Timmy’s or real councilors? Just because I can listen and understand doesn’t make me an expert. Do they think I’m strong enough to bear their troubles as well as my own? I’m not, I’m weak. i'm a coward. It’s like I’m walking through life carrying this massive pack, and each day the pack gets heavier and now I’m falling, falling, into a black pit of despair, stuck on a course of my own choosing and I can’t see any way out of the path fate has laid me. A path I see now only leads to one fatal ending. i'm not strong enough to turn from that path, and i don't see anyway out of it either. I’m trapped, trapped in a life of pain of my own making. All I want is someone to be there for me, to help me, to love me. But the one person who would do that for me can’t, because of me.
Do you ever get the feeling that life has become to much? That your burden is too heavy, and you just fall by the wayside under its weight… that feeling has steadily been growing this last awful year, since that summer when I had to finally admit some home truths to myself.
No offence to any of my online friends. I like you, and respect you, but non of you are any substitute for a hug when I’m feeling down… the help I need non of you can give, but I have no one else to turn to.


Geez… I look back on what I’ve written, and all I see are the self obsessed whining, the self absorbed waffling of a depressed teen. Am I so self centred and selfish to think that any of you care; you have your own problems, your own lives, why would you be interested in mine? No one else is…


Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, set fieri sentio et excrucior
 
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