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DAMN DAMN DAMN! i had to go and do it didn't i?
*sighs* ok, this could get weird...
i watched alexander today, and i was sitting on the bus coming back to uni, and feeling all pensive... well nothing unusual there, i'm always like that after a movie (usually wishing i could fence/fight like that lol) but today i was thinking of alexander and hephastion (and wishing i could jared leto!) and that led me to thikning of how alexander must have felt at hephastion's death. i used to be really cold hearted, the only time i;ve ever lost anyone close to me, i didn't really feel anythin.g i lost a pet once quite a young age, and was really cut up about it, and ever since then, i taughtr myself to control my emotions, i blocked it all up inside. i liked star trek at the time, i thought vulcans were amazingly cool lol *embarrassed grin* when i lost my grandad, i felt nothin,g i swear... and my ex girlfriend said getting emotions outta me was like getting blood out of a stone. i was kinda proud of that though, nobody could "read" me, and i proud of that.
then a load of things happened. i had an emotional relationship with eothain the spring of 2004, i never thought i could feel like that... and when i was recovering from the downside of that break up, i met Tim... and that brought me right back up again, before, like a rollercoaster thinks all went wrong with that and i had an all time low, as timmy and some others here know.
ever since those 2 events... i just havn't been able to control my emotions any more... its just all come right out, like tim slammed a demolition ball into all the walls i'd built. while i was with him, that wasn;t a bad thing at all... but now its all the negative stuff thats coming out. one of my few frineds here shcoked me to the core when he said he could read me like a book, and proved it... sure he was a physc student, but even so...
the trouble is, now, the slightest thng sets me off, and once i start its like i'm in this downward cycle for the rest of the day, and it always ends up with my crying myself to sleep... yeah, even at 19 i still hug my pillow and cry my eyes out... somme of my hall mates think i'm a bit of a loner (well i am) truth is i don;t trust myself not to break down in company...
anyways, today, it was the love of alexander and hephastion and his death that set me up. i came home and put on some depressing music, to suit my mood... bonnie tyler, and some other peaceful stuff that either soothes me ,or depresses me...
but just about anything can set me off... i have pics of tim in my room, i still miss him badly, and love him, and the few times i get to talk or meet him just seem to make it worse, like i get used to being away from him, and then i see him again and everything all comes crashing downn on me. one of my friends has suggested maybe i should let him go, move on and forget about tim, but i still love him, and so long as he loves me, i can't do that, i just can't.
what annoys me is, once i am depressed, i do everything i can to make it worse. i can't help myself. i put on the really alow music instead of my dance stuff which would probably cheer me up. in the cinema, i was dreaming of kissing jared leto (hephastion) and when i got home, it was more like wishing i could kiss anyone... and then i went looking around the net for pictures of boys kissing... god knows why... it just made me more depressed.
i badly badly need sommeone who loves me right now, or at least cares for me. sommeone who can support me and i can trust enough to tell them everything. i need someoone i can cry to who'll hug me and tell me everything will be alrite.... sure i have lots of people like that, but all of them are online, and while i'm esppecially grateful to sammy and saben... its just not the same...
the only guy i know here who's like that (the friend i mentioned earlier) has issues with physical contact oz of some stuff that happened to him... and he;s really busy with exams and his new boyfriend right now, so i hav;nt seen him in weeks anyway...
is it just me, or does everyone feel this lonely? all my virtual friends are really great people and all... but most of oyu aren;t even in the same country... malta australia canada america turkey... geez...
and you know what makes it worse? being bloody gay... i hate it sometimes, it means i can't go to just anyone, i can't, i don;t dare talk about my feelings and emotions to some of the guys in my hall, they;re all really good people but i don;t think they'd understand at all... besides, i never did get up the courage to tell them what i am... and they're not the sort of people i can ask for emotional support anyway really... i just have to keep bottling up, and letting it out every night but i get worse... and i'm afraid somethings gonna blow one day...
(btw, if anyone suggests talking to a councillor, i'll scream. i tried that before, andi hated it... i was so nervous talking to a stranger, and she couldn't help anyway... all she did was listen... i need some ohysical suport, and someone who can be there for me, not just when i have an appointment, besides, she thinks i'm "cured" after i steadily grew calmer and less emotional when i talked with her...)
Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, set fieri sentio et excrucior
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