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since i'm logged in. i almost thought i wasn't, i couldn't remember my original user ID.
here is what's been happening in my world, over the past few months.
i got a job at a hospital, i might've updated when that occured, in october. after full-time training i was only relief -- one, maybe 2 days a week and if i was lucky, sometimes more. as of last week i finally got a full time slot. this means a dollar raise, benefits to be set up soon, a retirement fund, and three days a week of 12 hour shifts -- it happens that they will always be back to back. in may, i will be three days on, one off, three on. that's six 12 hour shifts all but back to back. on the flipside, i'll get a week off in between. can't ask for much more. i should be living on my own again (my own being me and bugg of course) by summertime, once some debts are paid.
got a little deeper into playing the role of a boy. or, moreather, being myself. regularly i had been aggressive skating at a park that is about a mile and a half from my house. i introduced myself as "leander;" i bound my chest, wore a beanie, wore too-big clothes, and no one said much about it one way or another. for one thing, they wouldn't take a female skater in her mid 20's seriously there if i went as nature built me. for another, i wanted to see if it would work. but to do so i was essentially lying so i got what was coming to me.
at the beginning of january, just past the new year, i was skating and pulled a backside 540 off a decline of seven steps. landed, but 2-footed the landing, and in the process of trying to keep from falling, my hat fell off. out comes the hair that is very obviously a girl style, and suddenly the group of three who i'd been "pal'ing" around completely flipped out. i mean who wouldn't, they'd been lied to for several months. i'm sure i'd have done the same. by 'doing the same' i mean that i got the shit kicked out of me, hardcore. i was smacked across the head with one guy's skateboard, while i was going down the second guy punched me in the face, and when i was down the third and first guy proceeded to stomp me. i suffered a concussion and two cracked ribs.
but hey. on the plus side (the very plus side), during the interim of feeling sorry for myself and being laid up because any sort of physical activity that would cause lots of breathing would hurt my chest/ribs a lot, i am no longer underweight. in fact, i'm well overweight. i'm truly a fat cow, and i have pictures from going to skate-aid (a benefit opened by US ice dancing champions tanith belbin and ben agosto) to prove it. any sort of exercising, even STRETCHING made my lung/ribs burn like hell, and i hate being laid up and inactive and so i decided to see how much ice cream and other shit i could eat. turns out it was a lot. at one point it was funny, i rebelled and decided to try to skate some laps in my garage and by turn number four the pain was burning so bad i had to go back in... and get yelled at and put on a steroid so the inflammation would go down. steroids, of course, tend to make appetites rage and skin get bloaty.
i have 2 more series of x-rays to go to make sure the healing went down. i went off the steroid treatment last week. before skate-aid i managed to starve off 10 pounds but it wasn't enough to have me not look like a bloated cow-elephant among beautiful, rose-stem limbed figure skaters. my most favorite of all i got three pictures with and i look awful in all of them. i am able to at least do pilates, albeit carefully (i cannot do the stretches in full yet, at least not until the x-ray verdict is complete), and despite doctor warnings i've been skating laps. i don't know if i'll ever go back to the park. all those who witnessed this go down were like, completely floored -- but more by the fact that three ADULTS would act that way, and less by the fact i was a girl. so i might still be welcome, i don't know.
those three were arraigned and sentenced, by the way. they were found guilty of aggrevated assault and battery (1 count for each of them) and then a group charge of hazing. hazing! how strange. they were given three years, however, they will be eligible for parole in 13 months. being that this was a first offense for all of them, i am sure they'll be out by then, if not sooner. they fully admitted to what they did, not that they could deny it. it took two officers and one EMT to pull them off me. how TV movie.
my mother gets married in june and by then i should be living on my own, free again, like i was before i got sick and moved back here. i cannot wait for that. it's the light at the end of an endless tunnel that might not be so endless after all. i'm still single, i think i always will be. i am tired of genders and the fact that no matter what we wish and think and speculate about, will always matter. there is no such thing as a lovely, kind, versatile gay male who would be my live-in significant other, who'd curl up with me to sleep every night, who i'd let have boyfriend(s) if he needed to, you know, satiate himself, in return for just keeping me safe. i think i might train myself to just be an asexual creature. it'd be so much easier and hurt so much less.
i hope everyone here is well. if anyone still speaks with kevin please tell him hello, and that i miss him, and that i hope he's well. please tell lenny that i miss him and am sorry i'm never online. i was never avoiding it's just things got busy, and i hardly have any sort of messenger programs up anymore. tell smith hi, and to shem and andy, much love.
gone as the day is fading,
heathyr / leander.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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