|
|
|
|
... that i could find kevin. i remember this time last year (actually it was more like last december; not this past but the one before) we talked a lot and we talked about writing together and we talked about becoming roommates and i'd secretly think about it and know that shi'd adore him. and i remember when it was a horrid winter night and it was the day i'd quit smoking; it was the third day of finals before break and i'd been three days without sleep, and he called just before the exam was going to start. i took the phone in the back room and was happy to hear him even if for a moment.
i remember panicking about something; externship or something and called him in tears from my car in the school parking lot and he put me straight. i remember thinking he might've been mean but looking back he was saying what needed to be said.
i hate that i was put on thorazine, and put on it for so long. i hate what it turnt me into and how horrible i was, to him and others. i don't know what happened, i don't remember what happened i just know i lost him somehow, and i regret it because even though i know i sometimes cling too hard to things and people when they are found and are actually kind hearted and not out to Get Me... i really do think that he could've become a best friend. well on his way, and then i had to ruin it. i don't even know if he thought of me as much as i did him, or if i was just a semi-neat internet person to talk to... i know that i regret everything i said or did; the things i remember and even the things that i don't. i wish i could go back and fix things.
i wish i didn't have this fixation of mine, either. becuase i know what it looks like, given my track record. over half the people i've fallen in love with or have just become very, very good friends with, they have all been gay. it's not like i "target" that, it just happens, it's what i relate to, and is all i feel safe around. i knew that if one day we decided to become roomies so we could've gotten out of our respective financial holes, i'd be safe. i wouldn't have to worry about someone sneaking in my room to do this or getting drunk and deciding to try and do that; i wouldn't have to worry about these things concerning me or shiloh. i thought maybe i could even sometimes have the occasional luxury of curling up and falling asleep, maybe his arm as a pillow.. and know that there'd be no strings attached. i know that in answer to that friendship and safety, i'd have done anything i could to help him, with whatever he needed.
but i'm unstable and i don't mean to be. i think i've come far since then, but i'm sad because i think it's too late. of course it is, i've tried several times to reach out and look for him but i think i'm barely a memory now. when i'm supposed to take things and people seriously and to heart and commit them to soul and memory, i don't do it good enough and i hurt them. when it's a situation that probably isn't serious or isn't what i think it is... i take it too seriously. maybe i thought too much of all this or was too intense or came off the wrong way and seemed psycho-stalker and scared him away?
kevin. if you're out there and .. i don't know. if you're out there will you please find me? even if it's to tell me to go away or to just forget that winter and those phone talks ever happened, that it's old news and even if we're 'faint accquaintances' we'll never be friends liek that again... still contact me? i'd rather know bad things or confirm worries than not know. truth, even if painful, is better than silence. please? i'm sorry, for all of it i'm sorry. i'd give so many things to erase my immaturity and mentality of then, if it meant ru49r
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
|
|
|
|
|
[  ] |
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
